Oct 04

Your ambition may be pre-mature.

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Trust me - i'm a doc-durrrrrrr.

A resident came into my office today and we had an exchange that went something like this:

“I need to drop off my rent check. How much do I owe?”
*Me, pulling up his account ledger* “Your outstanding balance with late fee is $xx.xx.”
“Wait, why do I owe a late fee?”
“Because rent is due by the first. Today is the fourth.”
“The first was on Saturday. You guys aren’t even open until Monday. So technically, I’m only a day late. Give me a break! I have enough to worry about – I’m pre-med!”


They should license people to deliver a righteous reality check of a bitch slap to people like this. Hell, they should make it a doctorate. It will be the closest most of these flaming dickwhistles get to anything resembling the medical profession, short of becoming an anatomical research dummy.


And thank you for the completely irrelevant excuse, asshat. You think it makes you sound ambitious and intellectual, so you walk around telling anyone who will listen that you’re pre-med. All this means is that you intend to take a buttload of science classes which, if you pass them and if you get a decent MCAT score, may get you an interview with a medical school and slim chance of acceptance. Hard truth time – diddling a drunk, clap-infested sorostitute whilst wearing a pair of examination gloves does not a doctor make (but kudos on the half-assed foray into safer sex role-playing). What do you call the guy who maintained a “D” average throughout med school? Doctor. Given that you can’t handle a task as simple as paying your rent on time, I’m going to downgrade your already slim chance at med school to a miniscule one. Sorry kid, but given our history, you’ll have to forgive me if I chose to withhold my congratulations until you’re actually accepted to med school.


Same thing goes for you “pre-law” asshats. In case no one has tipped you off, let me avail you of a very helpful factoid – “pre-law” means fuck all. It’s not even a major. It’s an arbitrary designation that indicates that at some point in your lengthy college career you might take an array of midlevel courses intended to help you pass the LSAT. Hard truth time: with the over saturation of would-be lawyers in this country, all you’re guaranteed by choosing that path is a wealth of frustration and disappointment when it comes to pass that you’re not even possessed of the legal acumen necessary to enroll in a paralegal correspondence course.


A little show of hubris every now and then from someone who busts their ass to achieve their goals is perfectly okay, but if you’re going to play the conceited little ass bag that irritates everyone with your pomposity, then you’d better learn to handle even the most remedial of life’s tasks (like paying rent) without expecting a parade. You don’t gain any credibility in life by slipping in bullshit and falling off your pedestal.

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