Aug 20

You poor, dumb bastards…

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After all the long hours and constant running from last week, this weekend wasn’t nearly long enough for me. I had a headache pretty much all weekend, and I didn’t pack shit. It’s a week and 4 days until we have to be out of our apartment, so I guess I’ll be spending the better part of my weeknights lovingly wrapping shit I don’t ever look at in bubble wrap before stuffing then in boxes that I won’t unpack for a month.

But this morning, it’s back to the grind. Everyone just moved out last Tuesday. I’ve been up to my elbows in move out reports, trying to type security deposit reconciliations since last Wednesday. I’m less than halfway done. At the rate we’re going, we’ll have them out about a week earlier than last year.

Meanwhile, all the new tenants moved in, but unlike last year, practically no one has called to complain about anything. I’m scared, y’all. My boss got one phone call on the day of move in from a mom who started the conversation by screaming. Literally, screaming. I could hear her from my desk one office away.

Mother of Satan: “My daughter’s stove isn’t plugged in and there’s no 3-prong outlet to plug it into! This is unsafe and you need to send someone out here right now to correct it!”
Boss: “It’s 5:00. We’re still trying to hand out keys to other people. I will send our maintenance staff out tomorrow to take a look, but he’s gone for the day and the rest of us are very busy with the other tenants.”
MoS: “My husband is an electrician!  This is unsafe and you’re going to be fined for it! I’m calling the building inspector! We pay a FORTUNE for this apartment and you’re just making money on us without doing anything!”
Boss: “Call whoever whatever you like. The bottom line is that we don’t have time for this tonight and you’re going to have to wait in line just like everyone else. If you want to move up the street to a brand new building, go right ahead, but your “fortune” in rent is going to be about $1000 short. Otherwise, it’s been a long day for all of us, and I’m not going to listen to your screaming anymore.” *click*

Go, boss, go.

Aside from that single phone call, the new tenants have been ridiculously nice and happy with their apartments. If this keeps up, I won’t have any more installments for Adventures in Landlording. Last year’s tenants are still being a bunch of shit stains though, so I have at least another month of material, especially when they get the statement of damages from move out and find that they have no more security deposits. And it’s already started!

An irate mother called our office this morning and it was my turn for screaming in the ear:

“My daughter said that you withheld her entire security deposit! I expect this to be rectified immediately!”
“Um… that’s not possible. For starters, we haven’t even refunded the security deposits yet; I’m workng on them as we speak. For another, your daughter was subleasing in the apartment and never paid a security deposit according to her sublease contract. There’s nothing to refund.”
“You’re lying! I paid her $600 security deposit. I want my money back!”
“Who’d you make the check out to?”
“I didn’t write a check. I gave her cash.”
“She never paid that cash to our office, so you’ll have to ask her what she really did with it.”

I guess it wouldn’t be a Monday morning if someone weren’t calling me a liar, but then I got this phone call 10 minutes later:

“Hi, I was subletting in apartment #2 and I was wondering… I need my ledger to show that I paid a security deposit.”
“But you didn’t pay a security deposit. The person you subleased from waived the security deposit for you, so she gets to keep whatever security deposit there is to refund.”
“Oh, I don’t care about getting a deposit back. I just want to know if you can fake a ledger that shows I paid it. My mom is flipping out because I told her the deposit was $600 and when I didn’t have to pay one, I ended up spending the money on other stuff.”
“So you want me to cook up a fake ledger so that you don’t get reamed by your mother for effectively stealing her money, and meanwhile, she’ll be expecting a check from our office to refund a deposit you never paid. Thanks, but I think I’ll pass on any major felonies.”
“This is bullshit! You’re a terrible landlord!” *click*

Having seen quite a few illicit items in her apartment, I think I have a pretty good idea of where that money went. I hope it was top shelf…


A frat mom whose kid moved out in June just got her security deposit back and they all destroyed their 1 year old carpet AND didn’t clean anything all year, so not only did they lose their deposit, but they owe us money.

“I disagree with a lot of these charges. For one thing, we paid $1775 for security deposit, but you only gave us credit for $1100.”
“That’s because if you’ll look at your ledger, your son didn’t pay his rent in August. ”
“Those are two separate issues and you can’t deduct that from rent. I know the law. I’m a landlord.”
“You’re not a landlord here, or you’d know that the account statement is correct. Once your rent was deducted, you had just over $1100 of security left. Now, moving on, what are your other issues?”
“These cleaning charges are ridiculous! I don’t pay our housekeeper this much every month!”
“Maybe not, but your housekeeper cleans regularly enough that it doesn’t take her an hour to scrub a ring out of the bathtub. Your son never cleaned all year, so it takes longer to restore the cleanliness of the unit.”
“Well then I want to pick up keys so I can clean the apartment myself and have these cleaning charges removed.”
“That’s not going to be possible. The cleaning has already been done and someone else lives in that apartment. ”
“So what?”
“You want me to give you keys to a stranger’s apartment so you can go clean an already clean kitchen?”
“No. Will not be happening.”
“That’s it! You’re unreasonable and I refuse to deal with you anymore. I’m calling my lawyer!”

That’s going to be a fun hearing. For me…

Happy Monday, my fellow wretches. I made you a picture to help get you through it. You’re welcome.


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  1. Jana

    Oh Lord, slap me silly if I ever have these conversations with my daughter’s landlords!!
    Jana recently posted..Biz Snatch TripMy Profile

  2. bluzdude

    You should have a web cam set up to record these conversations. Priceless.
    bluzdude recently posted..Jaws – A Classic RevisitedMy Profile

  3. Misty

    Wow, you ARE a horrible landlord!! You wouldn’t commit a felony for a former tenant? For shame, Mandi. For shame.

    1. admin

      I’ve come to the conclusion that the only felony I’ll be committing for this company is murder. And by “for this company” I mean for my sanity. And “for my sanity” I mean in mourning thereof.

  4. Valerie

    They need to develop a technology that allows you to slap stupid people through the phone. I think it would really eliminate a lot of people from making phone calls.

    Or at the very least, you should invest in an attack llama. I hear they spit pretty far.


    Valerie recently posted..Mannequin Arm becomes a real arm… Like fucking Pinocchio and shit.My Profile

    1. admin

      Oooh! And I can always harvest my attack llama’s wool for a really kick ass blanket! Someone get me the number for an attack llama dealership!

  5. NATurally Inappropriate

    Somehow, I just now caught this. You are going to murder someone one day, babe.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..A heartfelt cinematic adventureMy Profile

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