I know, I know… I missed last Friday’s post. The mom was still in town so I was trying to get in lots of quality time (gotta stay in the will and whatnot) and then I spent all weekend engaged in church related activities. (No, I didn’t suffer spontaneous combustion injuries, thanks for asking.) The important thing is that I’m here for you today in your time of need.
Speaking of time of need… Not to cause any undue panic for anyone, but you do realize that there are only 9 shopping days left until Christmas, right? I’m going to be a smug bitch here – all my shopping is done, wrapped, and mailed out. Neener, neener, slackers. But fear not, my procrastinating brethren and sistren! For I have come to you equipped with a plethora of gift ideas for the most discerning hillbillies and/or creepers on your holiday shopping list! By way of apology, I have a double dose of WTF for you today!
Hang onto your overalls and gun racks, people! Today we’re exploring the sordid and terrifying world of:
WTF?!? Friday: Your guide to stupid, ugly, or otherwise distasteful Christmas gifts.
Part Five: Redneck Christmas Spa-tacular and Klassy Gifts Extravaganza!
1. Dermaseptic Skin Care Remedy
Touted as an innovative, all-natural solution for embarrassing outbreaks and skin conditions, this attractive little plastic box features what appears to be a hearing aid battery which supposedly delivers painless, natural anti-microbial silver ions directly to infected tissue before it breaks out into an open sore. This is good news for the shameless skank in your life since it claims to be highly effective against herpes, cold sores, warts, and fever blisters. That said, it would probably be most effective if it could somehow make the user’s genitalia shrivel up and fall off.
2. iGrow Laser Hair Loss Treatment
Ever get that not-so full and luxurious feeling from your mop up-top? It could be that you’re suffering a debilitating case of hair loss and you don’t even know it! Well, you don’t have to sit there and pull your grieving hair out at the follicles! Science has found a way to steal $700 dollars from you in return for peace of mind and a laser intended to restore your hair to its full majesty! Yes, the world’s most advanced HANDS-FREE hair rejuvenation system (which utilizes a patented combination of Lasers and high output LEDs – read: brigh,t sparkly lights) offers thicker, fuller hair for both men and women after 10-12 weeks of use and you can even listen to your favorite music with the incorporated headphones! For $700, that helmet had better come with my favorite band, live and in my living room.
3. The Flair-Hair Visor
So perhaps you do have more sense than money and the Special Ed Storm Trooper helmet is not an option, but you’re still chagrined over your lack of luscious locks. There’s a hat for that. This delightful headgear keeps the sun out of your face, and lends the appearance of a head of hair reminiscent of Rick Flair and Guy Fieri’s monkey faced love child. Warning: Product may cause the wearer to channel Guy Fieri and/or Nature Boy Rick Flair. Side effects may include excessive weight gain, over-tanning, a penchant for shitty diner food, and the tendency to shriek “Woo!” at inappropriate times for no reason whatsoever.
4. Piano Bathroom Scale
I cannot understand the point of this scale. First off, the dimensions measure a mere 9″ w x 3/4″ h x 6 1/4″ d and the step-on function analyzes body fat, water, muscle mass and bone mass. Riddle me this, though – If you can’t fit your whole body on the scale, how can it accurately weigh you? Or is that the point? And yet despite the fact that this “fun” design resembles a piano keyboard, the scale does not, in fact, play music. That’s the straw that broke this camel’s back. If it can’t shame me into losing weight by playing Baby Elephant walk whenever I step on it, it has no value as a scale.
5. Sit Fit Exercise Device
Maybe the numbers alone on the piano scale were enough to shame you into losing some weight. That still doesn’t mean you have to get off your fat ass! This handy, sliding thingamajig is designed to improve your abs and lower body muscle tone, all while sitting! Watch TV or use your computer and get a low-intensity aerobic exercise to help weight loss, burn calories and increase blood circulation. Convenient, portable, and offers adjustable resistance. Yeah. REAL low intensity. I’d get more intense exercise in front of my TV from eating a crock pot full of chili and busting ass while watching a Bones marathon. And I’d rather spend my $50 on the chili instead of this thing.
Now, this next grouping is a little, shall we say, odd.
I can’t imagine a situation where any of these things would be on display in or around my home because they just freak.my.shit.out. This kid ain’t all right, but I’m still not creepy enough for any of this:
6. Squirrel Dress-Up Magnets
I suppose I should be grateful that someone would have these somewhere in their house instead of a taxidermied one, but I’m not. There’s something infinitely more creepy about the guy who goes to the fridge for another Budweiser and changes Buddy McNut’s outfit from Zorro to Roy Rogers while he’s there.
7. Meerkat Garden Stakes
Because one isn’t creepy enough, these zombie meerkats come as a creepy little family of 4 to create the illusion of an invading rodent guerilla army bringing the war to your yard. The 4-piece
family infantry includes a mother, father, and two pups. And since they’re spring-mounted, they sway in the slightest breeze for extra creepy realism.
8. “The Offering” Wall Sculpture
Strong, disembodied hands emerging mysteriously from my wall to steal my iPod and cell phone? Yeah. Sign me up for 3. Hell to the mothafuckin’ NAH, yo. For $40, I can go to Target and buy 4 bookshelves on which to lovingly display my knick knacks without subjecting myself to a full body tremble every time I walk by. If the best thing you can say about this “art” piece is that it’s “hand-painted in a realistic flesh tone” and ‘handily’ holds your shit, you failed art and advertising.
9. “Roswell” Wall Sculpture
Nothing says “We come in peace” like a wall mounted groping kit. I swear, my husband strikes this same pose every time I take my bra off, only I’m legally required to find him endearing when he does it. The kind of people who have this proudly displayed as “art” in their home are no doubt the same fan boys who’ve been masturbating to the X Files since the day it premiered and there’s undoubtedly enough tard-spunk in that domicile to spawn their very own new life and new civilizations. I feel the need for a bleach shower just typing that.
10. The Lamp of the Damned
Now don’t get me wrong, I totally dig The Divine Comedy. Inferno had some pretty awesome imagery that I imagine acted as inspiration for this lamp. But can you think of any darker a subject to use in the creation of a lamp? Thousands of bodies twisting and writhing in agony? At least, I hope this is a depiction of the souls of the damned in the second circle of hell. If it’s really just an artist rendering of a Roman orgy, it’s certainly one hell of a choice (no pun intended) for mood lighting.
I hope this week has given you the motivation necessary to quit procrastinating and finish up your Christmas shopping. For the rest of you, I’ll see you next week for our primer on last minute gifts! Happy shopping, y’all!