I know it’s been more than a week since I last posted and I still need to answer for a most prestigious blog award, but holidays are to schedules what pumpkin pie is to my waistline – obliterated the second you smell the turkey. And so I present to you this week’s answer to the Black Friday Conundrum:
WTF?!? Friday: Your guide to stupid, ugly, or otherwise distasteful Christmas gifts.
Part Three: Gifts on the Go
1. The AMAZING Pocket Chair
For the easily winded person on your list, this handy little folding chair holds up to 250 pounds and fits into your pocket in a handy matching carrying case! Can’t handle the long wait in the 10 items or less line? Pop a squat! Not enough chairs at the Overeaters Anonymous meeting? Have a seat! Need a thoughtful spot at the grocery store to contemplate whether pickled pigs feet pair better with Franzia or jug wine? Winnie the Pooh ain’t got shit on you, sweetheart!
Between the foot of carbon fiber tubing and three inches of nylon fabric, they’re out a whopping 33 cents, $3.33 if you include the cost of the box. I cannot begin to fathom how retailers could possibly let this go for the unbelievable bargain of $4.95-$14.99, especially when you consider that you’ll need to buy a second one for when one of those 23 cent tent poles becomes lodged in the recipient’s ass. Then again, tailgating wouldn’t be as much fun if someone didn’t get something embedded in their ass.
2. Camp Chef Deluxe Portable Oven
And speaking of tailgating, have you ever been hanging out before the big game with your hot dog in one hand and your beer in the other and thought to yourself, “This is peasant fare! Just once, I’d love to huddle around a tailgate with Quiche Lorraine! and a Petite Syrah!” If you have ever uttered something like this, fuck you. Get your ass back in that closet and carry on with your adventures in Narnia because you have no business being anywhere near a tailgate party. And neither does this gourmet grotesquery. With dimensions of your average coffee table and a weight of 36 pounds (not including the ginormous propane cylinder you need to power it), this thing is not remotely convenient to take to a tailgater or a camping trip, and at $279.99, I could buy a full sized oven for my kitchen in a shade other than 80s apartment shame. Just…no.
For the multitasker in your life who can’t bear to waste time on their morning commute with just driving a car, now they can have a productive commute and the most important meal of the day! Christ in a 12 volt pizza oven… Can someone please explain to me in what universe it might be a good idea to fry up some eggs and bacon while navigating the mean streets of Sheboygan? I know it’s important to go into the day well caffeinated, but a coffee pot that takes 15 minutes is just going to end up through the windshield of the first guy who pisses me off and at $20 a pop, it’s an expensive road rage habit.
4. Sippin’ Seat
Stadium beer is cheap swill, but it’s expensive cheap swill. If you’re lucky to have beer in your stadium, that is. Most people just get good and drunk at the tailgate and ride the sweet alcoholic wave through the end of the fourth quarter. But if you’re at a loss for what to get the college student with a major in binge drinking and a minor in economics, this is the perfect gift. This harmless looking $30 stadium seat has a hidden pocket for a bladder big enough to hold 3 full bottles of Natty Ice which can be dispensed via a $5 catheter. And the best part is that you never have to miss a second of the game since you can cath yourself and empty your bladder after you’ve emptied the bladder!
5. The Hot Rod Grill
It’s a grill. I’m already over it. What’s that? I have the attention of someone with a penis? Fine then, it’s a $700 grill made out of a real hot rod engine and painted to look like it was taken out of Elton John’s flamboyantly gay matchbox car. At that price though, it’s better be able to service the grill master orally while turning Grade Q beef into bacon wrapped filet mignon. Anything less is just another weekend at college tailgate party.
Join me next week when I bite the bullet and go virtual shopping for our four-legged friends!