We’re a little behind the curve apparently, but Ken and I just started watching Mad Men. It has its moments, but I have growing concerns that Ken will insist that I wear more skirts that show my ankles and calves, and take to slapping me on the ass while telling me to grab him another beer. More than he already does.
As we delve deeper into season one, I’ve been paying more attention to the advertising that takes place around us. Most of it is barely noteworthy, but every so often there’s an ad that you can’t help but notice. If only that were a positive thing…
Whole Foods Bumper Stickers
I don’t really know what this campaign is about. I try not to go to Whole Foods unless there’s a specialty ingredient I can’t find elsewhere. Like maple sugar. Which resulted in the most expensive apple pie I could have made short of dressing it in edible goldleaf. But I digress. For a store that’s all about local and sustainable food as a part of a healthy lifestyle, their bumper stickers may not be getting that point across in quite the way they’d hoped. Behold:
Nothing out of the ordinary here, right? Are you sure? Because at the end of that letter ‘m’ is a dot that looks suspiciously like this sentence became a whole different sentiment entirely. It’s time to revamp your artwork, Whole Foods ad execs, because every time I’m passed by one of these blasted stickers on a car or plastered on the side of a bus, this is what I’m actually seeing:
Unfortunate business names:
My fellow entrepreneurs, when you have a great business idea and a solid business model, you’re still setting yourself up for failure if you don’t put some thought into your name. Let me just say that there is a reason my massage practice is called Reverie Massage and Wellness instead of Helping Hands, Kneadful Things, or Content Under Pressure.
Unless you are, in fact, running a camp teaching girls how to climb Mt. Orgasm, a double entendre is best used for office flirtations, rather than brand recognition.
Yanking the heartstrings (right out of your chest)
Forget about how my amoral ass should be having an existential crisis over my steady diet of defenseless children. The brainchild who birthed this atrocity should be forced to subsist on a diet of excrement equal to the amount of bullshit he’s pedaling.
Open Mouth, Insert
Good Jesus FUCK, she looks like a RealDoll. Christ, boys, we get it – sex sells. But if your ad is going to show a woman stuffing 7 inches of meaty goodness in her face, please try to omit the creamy, white ooze from the photos. Your latent homosexuality is showing.
Self Medicating – One Glass of Kool Aid at a Time
NOW we’re talking! I love me some margarita love. Sugared rim, rocks. Size? Big. (That’s what she said.) But let’s get something straight – just because tequila doubles as liquid panty remover does not mean I’m going to join your swinging sex cult and pump out some chosen ones. These ain’t birthin’ hips.
Airing Dirty Laundry
I was reading one of my fitness magazines the other day and ran across this little beauty:
And then a few pages later was this:
Now we’re getting to the point…