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Mar 30

WTF Friday: Top Dollar Paid for Dirty Souls

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We’re a little behind the curve apparently, but Ken and I just started watching Mad Men. It has its moments, but I have growing concerns that Ken will insist that I wear more skirts that show my ankles and calves, and take to slapping me on the ass while telling me to grab him another beer. More than he already does.

According to Ken, "Only if they want it."

As we delve deeper into season one, I’ve been paying more attention to the advertising that takes place around us. Most of it is barely noteworthy, but every so often there’s an ad that you can’t help but notice. If only that were a positive thing…

 

Whole Foods Bumper Stickers

I don’t really know what this campaign is about. I try not to go to Whole Foods unless there’s a specialty ingredient I can’t find elsewhere. Like maple sugar. Which resulted in the most expensive apple pie I could have made short of dressing it in edible goldleaf. But I digress. For a store that’s all about local and sustainable food as a part of a healthy lifestyle, their bumper stickers may not be getting that point across in quite the way they’d hoped. Behold:

Wait for it...

Nothing out of the ordinary here, right? Are you sure? Because at the end of that letter ‘m’ is a dot that looks suspiciously like this sentence became a whole different sentiment entirely. It’s time to revamp your artwork, Whole Foods ad execs, because every time I’m passed by one of these blasted stickers on a car or plastered on the side of a bus, this is what I’m actually seeing:

And suddenly the meat department becomes quite suspect.

 

Unfortunate business names:

My fellow entrepreneurs, when you have a great business idea and a solid business model, you’re still setting yourself up for failure if you don’t put some thought into your name. Let me just say that there is a reason my massage practice is called Reverie Massage and Wellness instead of Helping Hands, Kneadful Things, or Content Under Pressure.

Unless you are, in fact, running a camp teaching girls how to climb Mt. Orgasm, a double entendre is best used for office flirtations, rather than brand recognition.

 

Yanking the heartstrings (right out of your chest)

Forget about how my amoral ass should be having an existential crisis over my steady diet of defenseless children. The brainchild who birthed this atrocity should be forced to subsist on a diet of excrement equal to the amount of bullshit he’s pedaling.

 

Open Mouth, Insert Footlong Penis

 

Oh, it'll blow all right...

Good Jesus FUCK, she looks like a RealDoll. Christ, boys, we get it – sex sells. But if your ad is going to show a woman stuffing 7 inches of meaty goodness in her face, please try to omit the creamy, white ooze from the photos. Your latent homosexuality is showing.

Still a better sex guide than Cosmo.

 

Self Medicating – One Glass of Kool Aid at a Time

NOW we’re talking! I love me some margarita love. Sugared rim, rocks. Size? Big. (That’s what she said.) But let’s get something straight – just because tequila doubles as liquid panty remover does not mean I’m going to join your swinging sex cult and pump out some chosen ones. These ain’t birthin’ hips.

 

Airing Dirty Laundry

I was reading one of my fitness magazines the other day and ran across this little beauty:

Only a man could have come up with this idiocy. My D-cup runneth over, if you catch my drift, and of all the things that have ever hit me in face, my boobs have never made that list.

And then a few pages later was this:

I don’t know what’s going on here that has anything to do with fitness or lingerie, for that matter.  All I know is that those boys could use a sammich.

 

Now we’re getting to the point…

Hannibal Dexter? Party of two?

Finally! Advertising that caters to my specialized needs! I must say, though -while this is relevant to my interests, I’m just not sure I can relate. I tend to use a filet knife when I’m preparing brain.

In closing, my dear MadMen:

Please, think of the fucking bunnies. Assholes.

4 comments

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  1. Misty

    When I first read that bumper sticker, I thought the exact same thing. Who came up with that? Morons.

    That one with the nekkid mens looks like all of their bottoms are red, so a spankfest? Wait. Not what I meant. Then again, with that many boys and only one chick, maybe that IS what I meant.
    Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Return of the WhackMy Profile

    1. admin

      I’m glad I’m not the only one. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen that bumper sticker and almost rear ended someone because I was distracted by wondering why Whole Foods would endorse cannibalism.

  2. Jana

    SPANKFEST! Woo HOO….those boys booties are red.
    Jana recently posted..Eating yourself and nothing….cause I have nothingMy Profile

    1. admin

      The really funny thing about this is that you gals are all hot over naked skinny dudes, and that wasn’t even the best ad…

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