Dear militant feminist lesbian hippy lobbyist upstairs,
I know it’s you who’s been leaving your shit in the toilet without flushing every day. There are only 3 women working in this building. One of them is me and the other wears a colostomy bag. I am here to tell you that it ends now – I’m tired of your shit. Literally.
I know you’re all eco-conscious and you drive a Prius with a “meat is murder – save our Mother Earth” bumper sticker, and you only wear natural, organic fibers, and you believe that deodorant of any kind is part of the anti-feminist agenda to make women conform to masculine ideals of femininity. Whatever blows your tie dyed peasant skirt up, sugar tits.
But let it be known forthwith: your “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, it’s a precious gift from the Goddess” assault on indoor plumbing must end. I insist as a condition of your continued tenancy that you flush the toilet after every use. The smell is worse than a sun-baked Tijuana porta-john. Seriously, you’re a fucking vegan – what the hell is producing that smell? I mean, I know your pits are part of that but I swear, we could tap into your ass emissions provide a new renewable fuel source for 100 Mother Earths.
Furthermore, if you ever drop a meatless dookie in the toilet and leave for the weekend ever again; leaving me to find a moldy toilet bowl of fecal doom, I will siphon your shit out of the toilet and feed it into the air intake of your Prius. Don’t like it? Move to Portland.
Consider yourself warned, bitch.