With a title like that, you may be wondering if this will be safe for work. To that end, I can only say…depends on how kinky your boss is. If there’s even a small chance that your boss or corporate net nannies own a few of these, then this probably isn’t safe for work. Most normal people won’t know what the hell these are.
Disclaimer: I may or may not own a few of these. I’m kind of a freak.
So let’s get down to business.
WTF Friday: Your guide to sex toys that have no business in sex.
1. Vegan Condoms
Because Trojans aren’t eco-friendly enough, now all the hipster twats can get down to boning with a product free of the milk proteins used in other condoms. That is, if they can stop tossing their hair and not caring about boners long enough to get one. Now, I always thought that vegans didn’t swallow, but they’re also flavored, so you can be super eco-friendly and eat them when you’re done! Or is that not how that works…?
2. Artificial Hymen
Forget vaginaplasty. That’s for rich people. This is the budget friendly revirginization. Really, you have to read their website. The copy is so fucking ridiculous that it practically makes fun of itself. Then again, it was developed in Japan: home of Hentai. From their main page:
“Artificial hymens are for women who were born without a hymen, broke their hymen during vigorous exercise, engaged in premarital sex and now fears how their future husband will react if he find out she is not a virgin, and those born with a defective hymen. We provide a cost effective and convenient product for getting your hymen back and you revirginized.”
WTF? Is your husband also going to go back to your father, slap him for letting you be a whore, and demand extra goats for his shame?
“Once the artificial hymen is inserted carefully into the vagina, it will expand a little and make the vagina feel tighter. When you begin sexual intercourse and your lover penetrates you, the artificial hymen will begin to ooze out a red liquid that looks like blood, not too much, but just the right amount. This will simulate the defloration of a virgin and stain the bed sheets with a few drops of simulated blood. By adding in a a few moans and groans, you will undetectably recreate the fantasy of making love to a virgin.”
Dude. Only pedophiles have fantasies about making love to virgins. Furthermore, nothing would ruin sexytime for me more than staining my 800tc Egyptian Cotton sheets with cellulose and water soluble dye. I’m the same person who lost her shit when Ken knocked the folded laundry on the floor in an attempt to make a grand, sexy gesture.
In closing, $27.95 is a lot of money with no real bang for your buck. (See what I did there?) Especially when you could use that money toward this bad boy:
3. Clone a Willy
Dildos are expensive. Yes, I know this for a fact. The more realistic cyberskin models can run upwards of $60, and more if you don’t want the teeny weeny. But for $50, you can buy this handy kit and make your own, modeled on your partner’s package! (Partner not included.)
I have a hunch that this was also made for the Japanese market because 90% of the reviews on Amazon said that there wasn’t enough product to complete the mold. Also, it didn’t mold well once the boys started going floppy, and a lot of people ended up with the kind of sad, misshapen dongs that you find in discount porn shops and West Virginia whorehouses.
Of course, if you’re Forever Alone and you’ve long given up hope of having a partner, there’s hope for you as well!
4. Hand Solo
It’s like a stranger, without the tingling sensation or the hassle of having to put your own hand to sleep! I wanted to post all sorts of troll reviews when I found this toy, but other people apparently beat me to it.
“It’s like brass knuckles for your knuckle children!”
“This thing is a serious lube hog.”
“It’s like a handjob with a cowbell!”
“I have a mild case of penis envy.”
“This baby really couldn’t do the kessel run in 3 parsecs.”
Apparently, it’s designed as a one size fits all kind of deal, and it’s just not snug enough. Maybe those Clone-a-Willy reviews were fabricated after all.
5. I Rub My Duckie: Special Edition Bondage Duck
I can proudly say that I own this bad boy. But it has never been used in the context it was intended. No, this is a conversation piece. I keep it in my guest bathroom medicine cabinet so that I can tell when people have been snooping by the look on their faces when they emerge.
I originally got this as a gag gift from a friend in a gift bucket of other sexy stuff. I couldn’t tell you what happened to the other stuff, but this guy is still around. He’s adorable in his little red ball gag and studded leather body suit, plus he vibrates AND like any good rubber ducky should be, he’s waterproof!
The problem is that you can’t use it. The vibration is like a jack hammer that makes my hand numb 2 seconds after you squeeze the ass to turn it on. There’s no way it’s coming anywhere near my hoo-hah. And if you set it to vibrate in the bathtub, it starts creating mini-tsunamis that splash over the side of the tub.
“A” for aesthetics and comedic value. “F” for functionality.
6. The Sinulator
I don’t believe they actually make this anymore, but apparently a few of its offspring were featured at CES this year. It’s basically a USB Plug ‘n Play rabbit that can be remotely controlled via computer by anyone that has your IP address. Not a bad deal for long distance relationships and cam whores.
Unfortunately, I can’t access their website anymore, so they may have moved on to bigger and badder things. In its day, it also had a price tag of about $130, so that may have been a contributing factor as well.
If you’re in the safety of your own home, sans kids, and feel like exploring a little, check out Eden Fantasys, Adam & Eve, and Divine Interventions. If you’d be offended by a Baby Jesus Buttplug or Shiva dildo, you may want to skip that last one, but it is disturbingly hilarious.
In the end, I have to applaud the innovators devoted to spicing up the sex lives of the already adventurous, but I’d still rather have one of these:
Happy Friday, everyone!