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Nov 09

WTF Friday: Letter to the Unwashed Undergrads

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Dear Undergraduate Population Throughout our Great Nation,

You little bastards are disgusting. College kids should have to be wrapped in plastic or body condoms or something, and then prohibited from touching shit. I think I just wiped snot and a particularly virulent strain of syphilis off the public facing side of my desk. No joke-  my disinfecting wipe shrieked and went limp. Given what I’ve been exposed to in the aftermath of the Halloween revelry, I’m surprised that I haven’t succumbed to a similar fate. Seriously- clean your rooms. Being within spitting distance of the glitter and STD soaked nightmare that is the 15 laundry piles all over your apartment is terrifying.

 

 

I think I’ve walked in on more people completely naked and passed out in their beds at 2:00 in the afternoon this week than I actually encountered driving around campus. Don’t you people go to class? Hell, no. It’s pretty apparent that whatever the university may say, a lot of you don’t bother with trivial things like class. Or have class, for that matter, but that’s more of a Tuesday diatribe.

 

 

So while you’re all avoiding classes that really don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of shaping your pot and booze addled minds to be something productive and useful to society, I’d like to discuss your unfortunate choices in majors.

 

#1: Psychology

Ugh. Psych is the worst. Any doctor or scientist with even a scintilla of self respect doesn’t even consider it a legitimate science. Look, ladies, I know that a lot of you are trying to get to the bottom of some major daddy issues, and it’s commendable that you would seek some clarity, but it’s no major. Pretending like it is will just end up with you counseling middle school boys with accidental boners a la Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher. Only with more booze and less hot gym teacher ass.

 

#2: English

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but the utmost respect for anyone who chooses to go into the teaching profession, and English is a solid skill to have in the quest to shape young minds into something other than a smelly pile of “duh.” But if you’re NOT going to teach, you’d better be so phenomenal in the sack that some loaded piece of tail keeps you as a housepet, or start brushing up on how to be a smug prick while drawing foam pictures in quadnormous mochifrappacrappes.
 #3: Political Science

If you have a poli-sci degree, you should probably start brushing up for the GMATs to get into grad school so that you can learn something marketable. Really, the only useful application of this degree is for law school, and even then you wasted 4 years of your life because I know people with biology and music degrees who got into law school. Seriously, poli-sci is a broad snapshot of how the world works in a social, political, and economic level, but if you can’t pick up on that by reading the paper or watching the news, then you probably don’t meet the basic literacy requirements to be in college anyway.

 

#4: Feminist studies

Say it with me: “I am more than the sum of my neuroses regarding interaction with the opposite sex.”

 

 

#5 – Art, in any form
Queen Inappropriate: omfg –  basket weaving.
Truth. Also: music, dance, drama, art history, and anything else that would result in your work being displayed at an exhibition. Unless you’re attending Juilliard, or blowing one or more key Hollywood players, these are hobbies – not majors.
#6: “Sports medicine”
Look, athletes, I get that you have demanding sports schedules and whatnot, but I feel like I should tell you straight up, because obviously, no one else is, there is NO medicine involved in sports medicine. If there were, you’d have to go to med school. You’re expecting to go be a personal trainer in case your dreams of going pro fall through, but what you are actually doing is called “kinesiology” or “exercise science” to people who can’t pronounce any -ology without a few drinks in them. And it’s WAY harder than you think.
I know so many people who fail out of their “cushy” exercise science programs because they can’t handle the anatomy. Let’s face it – most athletes can only name one bone, and it’s usually nicknamed something cute like “Pedro” or “Thor.” Getting them to name 206 ACTUAL bones is asking way too much. Save yourself a lot of embarrassment and leave kinesiology to the future physical therapists of the world.
And for all of you “Too long; didn’t read” types who must have everything highlighted, this blurb’s for you:
If you picked your major because it:
A) Sounds uber intellectual,
B) Sounds like an easy A,  or
C) Is a hobby you’d like to make money on,
Be sure to take a class on the fine art of saying “Would you like fries with that?”

 

 

 

10 comments

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  1. Misty

    Wait a second here . . . I was an English major! And also went to law school. I feel like maybe this post denegrates my entire school career! I should probably be offended or something. Meh.

    But, other than that, well done. Bravo. And the horse pic is my favorite, because seriously . . . how on earth?
    Misty recently posted..Wrap-Up That Rascal!My Profile

  2. Parker

    I’m so glad you left sociology off that list of shitty majors, why it’s close to vindicating. That said, don’t major in sociology.

  3. bluzdude

    You should start taking your camera when you go to “visit” some of these properties, so you could post your own evidence.

    Oh, and you can probably add “Communications” to the list. I can testify as to the uselessness.
    bluzdude recently posted..Electoral AfterglowMy Profile

  4. Winopants

    *Polysci major hangs head* meehhhhh
    I’ve gone far in life, lol, as a wine manager at a restaurant. No money for grad school or unpaid internships- good planning on my part
    Winopants recently posted..A Black and Orange Birthday Mess of FailMy Profile

  5. Valerie

    I feel like I probably should have went to college. Then, when I wake up in a puddle of my own vomit, I would feel smarter and less ashamed. Isn’t that how it works?

    Or maybe I missed something.

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    Valerie recently posted..Things me and Abraham Lincoln have in common: 1. We are both master axe wielders and 2. We can both kill the fuck out of some vampiresMy Profile

  6. Beth

    I recommend trade school. I have a degree from my local junior college in Electrical Construction and Maintenance. Now, ask me if it got me a raise? Wah Wah Wah….
    Beth recently posted..Fun with the FamilyMy Profile

  7. NATurally Inappropriate

    We should totally make up some website. Instead of POWM, we could have some shit like, “Stupid College Kids” or “College Dorm Stories” or “Why College Kids are Thundercunts”
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Today, I’m the douchebag.My Profile

  8. Brandon S

    The one in the white boxers… can you give him my number? He looks like he could be kinda cute. Not to mention he’s got the backup career already in the works – see how well he collects bottles? That 5cent redemption will come in real handy….
    Brandon S recently posted..A Call for 2013 – We Want You!My Profile

  9. tazer warrior princess

    Yeah it’s official, I love you. Yes I’m stalking your blog right now.
    tazer warrior princess recently posted..You can’t spell diet without DIEMy Profile

    1. admin

      Yay! I have a new stalker!

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