Dear Undergraduate Population Throughout our Great Nation,
You little bastards are disgusting. College kids should have to be wrapped in plastic or body condoms or something, and then prohibited from touching shit. I think I just wiped snot and a particularly virulent strain of syphilis off the public facing side of my desk. No joke- my disinfecting wipe shrieked and went limp. Given what I’ve been exposed to in the aftermath of the Halloween revelry, I’m surprised that I haven’t succumbed to a similar fate. Seriously- clean your rooms. Being within spitting distance of the glitter and STD soaked nightmare that is the 15 laundry piles all over your apartment is terrifying.
I think I’ve walked in on more people completely naked and passed out in their beds at 2:00 in the afternoon this week than I actually encountered driving around campus. Don’t you people go to class? Hell, no. It’s pretty apparent that whatever the university may say, a lot of you don’t bother with trivial things like class. Or have class, for that matter, but that’s more of a Tuesday diatribe.
So while you’re all avoiding classes that really don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of shaping your pot and booze addled minds to be something productive and useful to society, I’d like to discuss your unfortunate choices in majors.
Ugh. Psych is the worst. Any doctor or scientist with even a scintilla of self respect doesn’t even consider it a legitimate science. Look, ladies, I know that a lot of you are trying to get to the bottom of some major daddy issues, and it’s commendable that you would seek some clarity, but it’s no major. Pretending like it is will just end up with you counseling middle school boys with accidental boners a la Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher. Only with more booze and less hot gym teacher ass.
If you have a poli-sci degree, you should probably start brushing up for the GMATs to get into grad school so that you can learn something marketable. Really, the only useful application of this degree is for law school, and even then you wasted 4 years of your life because I know people with biology and music degrees who got into law school. Seriously, poli-sci is a broad snapshot of how the world works in a social, political, and economic level, but if you can’t pick up on that by reading the paper or watching the news, then you probably don’t meet the basic literacy requirements to be in college anyway.
#4: Feminist studies
Say it with me: “I am more than the sum of my neuroses regarding interaction with the opposite sex.”