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Mar 02

WTF Friday: Gimme my Depends and Ensure.

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There comes a time in our lives when we must accept the inevitable defeat of age, compile our bucket lists, and then don our circulation enhancing compression socks, kick back, and wait for the sweet embrace of dementia to squeeze the crap into our Depends. And here, at the ripe old age of almost 31 years of age, it is my time to join this illustrious geriatric society.

Okay, so not really, but it’s easy to see how I could be mistaken based on the contents of my mailbox. Yesterday, I got a membership invitation to AARP, an invitation to the spring Symphony Gala, and a catalog called “Make Life Easier.” Only one of those things was relevant to my interests, if not age appropriate.

Anyone familiar with the origins of WTF Friday knows that I get a ton of catalogs in the mail, so what’s one more, right? Let me stop you right there and reintroduce that relevant to my interests concept. Not only did this catalog contain a bevy of shit I could not care less about, but I almost nodded off 3 times in their 127 pages of crap. And not just any crap. Oh, no! This is crap geared specifically to OLD PEOPLE.

I have nothing against old people, per se. In fact, I someday hope to be one and then kick off before I start shitting my pants. You see, I always saw myself as aging gracefully and being that kick ass grandma who buys her grandkids condoms and porno mags (or apps. Shit, when I’m old, they may very well have interactive porno holograms and I will buy them for my grandkids, as long as they promise to wear a condom.). At the very least, I pictured myself as a small, sage old lady like Master Yoda, only without the ear hair.

Sit by the fire with a cup of tea, I will not! Ride your ass down the black diamond slopes, I will Bitch!

 

But rather than getting catalogs geared toward old people with active lives who perhaps need some ski goggles with bifocals or ergonomic sex swings, I get this shit.

Double-grip sock garters

 

Wait, they still make these? What is it about 60 year old calves that a sock won’t hug them anymore? I thought grandparent type people were cuddly? So instead of the sexy kind of garters that hold up my thigh highs, I get to look forward to calf garters to hold up my compression socks. Stylin’.

 

Telescoping handle litterbox scoop

Yay! Now when I go all crazy cat lady, I won’t have to get down on my hands and knees to scoop Fifi’s crap! Wait, once you get the crap scooped up in that thing, how are you supposed to get it in the garbage bag without spilling it everywhere? Bitch, please. When I’m old, cats will have evolved to use the toilet.

 

Incontinence throw blanket

Nothing about this is okay. An incontinence pad that looks like a throw blanket? Jesus christ! What happens if you’re a little senile and you forgot that you peed on it and then turn around 5 minutes later and cover up in it? Blech. I need a shower now.

 

Jumbo adult bib

Fashion meets function for the fashion and function impaired. I mean, even the classiest rib joints in the country just cut holes in a plastic hefty bag and drape it over you. This? This is just sad.

 

Spray-on headstone cleaner

When the indignity of using all this other stuff finally catches up to me, I’ll probably kill myself. But when that happens, I’ll at least go into death with the same anal retentive cleanliness that I had in life. Ken, get your Sham-Wows ready, baby. I need me a clean tombstone.

 

And now, having fulfilled my post quota for the week, I shall go assemble my new recliner, kick back, and watch me some Matlock reruns.

11 comments

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  1. Jana

    It is kind of wrong that the adult bib was something that I might be interested in? I somehow always manage to get something on my shirt. And as fate would have it, that stain is usually right on my boob so that everyone can check out what I’ve had for lunch and my boobs at once!
    Jana recently posted..How my ass can keep your clothes hole free…..and drinking with the nannyMy Profile

  2. Jana

    And I forgot to say WOOOOHOOOOOOO on the Oh Noa Funny Bitch!
    Jana recently posted..How my ass can keep your clothes hole free…..and drinking with the nannyMy Profile

    1. admin

      I am a huge proponent of Hefty Bag ponchos for messy meals. Somehow, wrapping myself in a giant trash bag still seems less sad than an adult lap bib.

      And I was quite surprised at the Funny Bitch honor. I figured it would take me at least another 100 posts, or at least more street cred from my internet trolling antics.

  3. Charity

    Why am I intrigued by the idea of an incontinence throw blanket?
    Charity recently posted..Fuck You Friday, BiC Chat and Better Boobs!My Profile

    1. admin

      I don’t know. It made me throw up a little in my mouth. And then in the toilet. But that may be the illness talking.

  4. Charity

    I mean, if we had one, and were already in bed and comfy, we could just totally pee on it.

    1. admin

      How comfy would you be once you peed on yourself?

  5. Transformed Nonconformist

    I have never understood what the criteria is for getting on those stupid lists. I got my first AARP mailing when I was 28. WHY?!?

    1. admin

      Yeah, that sounds about right. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I get a lot of craft magazines…

  6. Tracy

    When my Mom retired, I finally put the stupid “Gold Violin” catalog I get in the mail every week to use and bought her a clock that shows which day of the week it is.

    She was not amused.

    But damned if she didn’t hang that thing on the wall and then get really pissed when it fell down and broke. So I bought her a new one. Score one for old people products.
    Tracy recently posted..An Ambush of AlarmsMy Profile

    1. admin

      I haven’t received Gold Violin in my every growing pile of junk mail, but now that you’ve mentioned it, I’m sure it will be in my mailbox today, and I’ll have a new post for Friday.

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