This week’s virtual shopping trip took us on a little foray into fur and it was simultaneously amusing and horrifying. I bought a Christmas present for our cat last weekend and we gave it to him the same day because he doen’t know the difference and I had hoped it would keep him from climbing the Christmas tree. (It didn’t.) He also has his own stocking where we drop treats and catnip toys, but I’m not about to wrap his shit in pretty bows and take pictures of him ignoring me disdainfully while we coax him into opening the box.
Still, we love us some fluffy lovin’ from balls of fur/feathers/scales/ectoplasmic goo and pet supply manufacturers are fully aware that many people will pay a premium for Fluffy and Rover’s comfort and amusement, often to a point where it just crosses the line for sanity and takes a pitfall into apeshit idiocy. Let’s face it – many of us love our pets like our own children, and many others are at least creepy if not outright illegally obsessive in their devotion. Don’t deny it. If it weren’t true to some extent, these products wouldn’t exist, and I would have no material for this week’s —
WTF?!? Friday: Your guide to stupid, ugly, or otherwise distasteful Christmas gifts.
Part Four: Gifts, for the Love of Dog!
1. Poopsikins’ Personal Toilet Bowl
How inconvenient is it to be sitting (almost literally) on 8 cups of coffee and a big gulp only to run to the bathroom and find Rover engaged in sloppy tongue kisses with your toilet? Well now you can give him a throne of his own! Granted, it’s not going to have the same pee stains on the bowl or seat, but it will guarantee him a continuous stream of water from the 64 ounce reservoir. *Not recommended for frat houses or homes with potty training in progress.
2. Seek-a-Treat Pet IQ Puzzle
Now this one I just don’t get. Does Fido’s doggy daycare have stringent testing standards for acceptance? Are you hoping to make the dog smart enough to watch your kids for a few hours? Do you think that his propensity for peeing in your shoes is indicative of a lack of intellectual stimulation? To quote my furry little friend up there: Bitch, please. Either Puppylump is going to get irritated while trying to figure out how to get the treat and he’ll just nosh on the whole thing and then produce a big pile of butt mulch tomorrow morning, or you’ll get frustrated trying to teach him and do it for him. Why not cut out the middle man?
3. Sasquatch Pet Bed
Crocs are the worst thing to happen to footwear since bowling shoes. People who wear them thinking that they’re the height of ergonomic fashion should be subjected to the cast of Riverdance dancing on their windpipe in ever color of croc ever made. People who buy the super-sized version of them for their pets to sleep in deserve nothing less than death. I wouldn’t pay 4 cents for the real thing and I sure as shit wouldn’t pay $40 for my cat to sleep in one. Even if you could get it in a coordinating color, who honestly believes that it matches their decor? No self respecting cat that I know is going to sleep in a shoe when they have a perfectly good set of 800 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets in the next room over. Any self respecting dog is going to do as nature intended and turn it into a chew toy. Now you’re not just a fashion impaired dolt, you’re a fashion impaired dolt with a giant ugly shoe, and a lighter wallet.
4. Cesar Millan Pet Feeding System
So maybe you’re not a fashioned retard and you actually have a little class. You’d like for Prissy to have stylish toys and accessories. Stainless steel is certainly an attractive option, but do you really have to spend $60 on the set with inspirational adages and the Dog Whisperer’s autograph? Newsflash: Your pet can’t read! All that money on IQ puzzles and your dog still can’t read the word “bacon.” The writing is for you, you say? Do you really need a written reminder to “Be the Pack Leader”? If the hierarchy in your household includes taking orders from your pet, it’s time to look into therapy.
5. Bone Appetit Seat
Somewhere in the millenia that we’ve had domesticated pets, they’ve somehow become too good, too evolved, or too pampered to eat on the ground like a common house pet. You poor dumb bastards. There are people in this country who don’t have high chairs this nice for their 2 legged offspring. They also happen to be the same people who will purchase a pet sized sofa for Snookums and painstakingly hand craft a 7-course meal for their pets while dropping the frozen Hungry Man dinner on their kids’ heads before carrying fluffy off for their nightly mani/pedi. You have more money than common sense (or good taste) and I hate you for it.
Don’t miss next week when I showcase redneck spa products!