Ken just returned on Wednesday from a 10 day trip to UCLA for some mad scientist shit, and I’m pretty sure the petri dish flavor of the week destroyed his “Are the words coming out of my mouth a good idea?” filter. I mean, it’s never been top notch*, but now I think it’s completely b0rked. Observe the progression into madness:
*My filter hasn’t worked in years, but that’s not what we’re talking about. Today, anyway.
April 21, 2011:
Gesturing at my breasts: “There’s too many babies here. Put those things away!”
Poking his finger into my cleavage: “Oh, yeah…”
Me: “Last time I showed cleavage, you told me to cover it up because there were too many infants around. This is Target, home of soccer moms with twins in wide by side shopping carts.”
Ken “Hey, it’s dark there’s a lot of fog, and there’s a good chance there could be some ships lost at sea right now. Maybe if you let those puppies shine, we’ll have a better chance of bringing those boys home.”
Me, responding to a comment about the Zoot Suit Riots: “That’s actually a pretty hilarious song.”
Ken: “What’s that hell song about the afterlife or whatever?”
Ken: “You know – “Iiiiin the afterlife!”
Me: “You mean Hell? By the Squirrel Nut Zippers?”
Ken: “That’s who does Zoot Suit Riot, right?”
Me: “No. That’s Cherry Poppin’ Daddies.
Ken: “So what does Brian Setzer do?”
Me: “Jump, Jive, and Wail. ‘Tard.”
Ken: “Whatever! I don’t listen to this swing shit!”
Which is exactly why he knows the lyrics to all three, and the genre to which they belong. No, Yeah, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
These are a few lines from the archives*:
*I cannot honestly remember what some of this was regarding, but it’s somehow funnier now that I can’t remember the context.
March 26, 2007:
“Sounds like they might be trying to dress up a lot of beef chuck as prime rib.”
“I think you just called me beef chuck, and by extension a cow.”
“Well, you’re definitely filet mignon. You don’t need any dressing up. You’re as sexy as steak comes.”
March 17, 2009:
Ken, Regarding Cookie Monster/Sesame Street Kids Clubs at Beaches Resorts: “Yeah, that’s exactly what I need when I’m on vacation – some big, blue, furry retard with a cookie fetish bugging me while I’m trying to relax.”
May 24, 2008:
A random conversation about episiotomies:
Me: If they don’t make the snip and the woman tears during childbirth, then they have to do some restructuring and you won’t be having sex for a while. So you get the joys of new parenthood and a prolonged case of blue balls.
Ken: Why? You have a mouth. (At this point, Ken realizes what he’s just said and gets a horror stricken, panicked look on his face.) I’m sorry! That didn’t come out right! It wasn’t me that said that! It was Evil Ken! IT WASN’T ME!
There you go – more than you ever needed or wanted to know about the inner workings of my husband’s mind that should leave you saying, “WTF?!?”
Now go hug your perfectly normal husbands/boyfriends/sons.