May 04

WTF Friday: Conversations with the Great Unwashed

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Ever had one of those weeks where you had a long/bad day and you come home to find that you want to throw everything in your house into the trash can? Then you take a shot, have another look, and realize that you’re just inundated with stupid little clutter? That was me last night.

Ken and I both got home after 6:00, and I was scrambling to cook a double batch of dinner (some friends just had their first baby and I figured two days worth of baked cavatappi = a decent nap for them). I was also indiscriminately tossing whatever I didn’t like looking at anymore. Mail. Catalogs. Keys. Concert VIP Passes. Wine bottles I haven’t yet written tasting notes for. I even routed the glove box in the car. (Why do we still have copies of our California registration and old insurance policies? And why is Chipotle the only restaurant we steal napkins from to restock the glove box?)

It’s amazing what 30 minutes of clutter busting does to make everything look so much cleaner, and I’ve come to the conclusion that our house is never dirty but for the little stuff. I wish I could say the same thing for my tenants.

My future Robot overlord (the Roomba) was delivered today and is currently chillin’ in the back seat of my sweet ass ride (a Honda Civic). One of my tenants and his buddy were walking by as I pulled up to their building and gestured at my back seat.
“Aren’t those things like, $400?”
“Not if you steal it. Or buy it on closeout.”
“Still… why would you want to spend so much on cleaning stuff?”
“Because I’m an adult at that point in her life where I pride myself on having a home that my guests can enter without fear of contracting airborne syphilis.”
“I dunno… I can think of a lot of stuff I’d rather buy.”
*His friend, chiming in* “Oh yeah! Like more of that sweet ass blow from last weekend!”

And that last part sort of ties in with this next one. Ken pointed out this morning that The Kentucky Derby is the weekend (pointless but for a small subset of people around here that may be from Kentucky), along with Cinco de Mayo and the annual Mifflin Street Block Party. The block party is the last major party of the year where the college kids from all over the state show up to celebrate the end of regular classes. It’s that last weekend to cut loose before finals start. It’s centered around a little street called Mifflin and it’s your typical college kegger, only there are food vendors who set up carts and they close the whole street down.

Cinco de Mayo is a big enough deal on its own for the closet alcoholics who live here, but the Block Party is a nail in the coffin. Sometimes literally. In the past few years it’s gotten really out of hand and last year’s event ended with 3 police officers treated for injuries, a dozen or so alcohol toxicity cases, and 3 stabbings. The mayor hates it, the police hate it, landlords hate it, and commuters hate the inevitable traffic jam. I’m sure the surrounding neighborhood home owners don’t appreciate the amount of trash and vomit stuck in their hedges on Monday morning either. But it continues much as it always has, albeit with no street closures or food vendors this year. And apparently, some of the local college kids already started their party.

As I was showing to potential lessees, one of the guys in the group got a text message and then broke out into hysterical laughter. “They took {roommate} to the hospital because he was freaking out and they thought he was having a stroke. It turns out he was just really fuckin’ high.”

On the same showing, I discovered that my tenants don’t even bother to schedule their bong hits around showings anymore. Seriously, this conversation just happened an hour ago:

I walked in, and immediately got hot boxed. The showees started showing themselves around while I sat down on a side chair in the living room next to the dude with Billy Bong Thorton.
*frat boy chin raise* “Sup?”
“Not much. Showings as usual.”
*takes another hit* “S’cool.”
“You know that I’m you’re landlord and that’s an evictable offense, right?”
“Yeah. You may be a bitch, but you’re still pretty cool though.”
I think I was supposed to be flattered. I am so over this week. Going grocery shopping tonight, followed by the first night at the movies in at least 8 months, and a weekend of Cat on Roomba warfare. Happy Friday, everyone!


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  1. Jana

    You know its moments like those that I wish I could bitch slap their Mom’s and Dad’s. Look what a fuck your kid has turned into to!
    Jana recently posted..Zee EndMy Profile

    1. admin

      And you know it’s money that they begged their parents for in order to “eat” that they’re spending on the mediocre hookers and premium blow…

  2. Valerie

    Careful with that thing… It’s either gonna be a robot or zombie apocalypse on the horizon. You may have just bought the enemy.

    Although, I’m sure if you just write an angry letter about how the Robot Overlord tried to rearrange your furniture and claim to be king of your house, you could get some kind of refund… Or… put in Rehabilitation for the Mentally Insane.


    Valerie recently posted..And then Tequila showed up to the partyMy Profile

    1. admin

      When the robot apocalyspe comes, I’m riding that bitch into battle.

  3. Jen

    Well, if you have to be a bitch, at least you’re a “cool” one…right?

    PS: Billy Bong Thornton? Genius!
    Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Playlist: "Love Is a Battlefield"My Profile

    1. admin

      I’ve started to wonder if these kids haven’t started viewing me as their bitchy older sister or something, because their parents fear me more than they do.

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