You must be having a slow day, or are otherwise looking for a laugh. Perhaps you were here last week when we kicked off the holiday gift giving season with basic decorating. Whatever your motivation, I heartily welcome you back to our enlightening multi-part series of posts wherein I present to you:
WTF?!? Friday: Your guide to stupid, ugly, or otherwise distasteful Christmas gifts.
Part Two: Gifts for the Entertainer
1. Dunecraft Beer Garden Plant Kit
At the low, low price of $24.99, this kit comes with everything you need to grow your own beer making plants. Hops, barley, and wheat fuse together in this hybrid terrarium to make the base components of great beer, which you can brew yourself! Almost. Assuming you have a green thumb, you still wouldn’t grow enough weeds in this kit to brew a six pack, much less a killer party keg. Plus, it costs less to buy enough barley and hops from the local brew shop to make about three 12-packs which are far less likely to taste like grass clippings than anything made from this grow dome of suck.
2. The Tuff Glove Fan Fist
Whether you brew your own beer or go with a prefab brew, attractive service of your beverages is a must. And nothing says classy host like a Hulk-sized fist of “go team!” for your guests. Never mind that baseball season is long over by the time the holidays come drunkenly strolling in, I want to know how you’re supposed to drink from this fist of futility? $19.99 for something that’s going to spill budweiser in my hair, cleavage, and festive sequined blouse? Bitch, please. If I wanted a golden shower, I’d hang around an I-80 truck stop.
3. The Alcohol Shot Gun
For the party guest who needs rapid transit for the shortest ride to shithoused, this little beauty is a bargain at $9.95. It also gives new meaning to “loves taking shots in the mouth.” What? It only holds a 1.5 ounce shot? Pussy. Just give me the fuckin’ bottle. I need a little more than just the Captain’s gherkin in me.
4. The Scrunch Ottoman
Every good host and hostess knows that a variety of seating options for your guests is a must. I’m not entirely certain, however, that an overgrown vinyl metallic scrunchie is the most enticing seat in the house. Fuckballs, is that a foot stool or Olivia Newton John’s leg warmer? I’m sorry, what did you say it costs? I couldn’t hear you over how loud those sparkles are. $90?!? Oh, honey – That’s not a festive piece of furniture, it’s a cry for help.
5. The Ex Knife Display
Every party needs a thought provoking item on display to help get the conversation started. If this is what you’re using to that end, your conversations are likely to center around three things:
“Oh, that’s clever. Has anyone seen [significant other] tonight?”
“How did you say you know this person?”
“Hello, police? I need a restraining order, and it needs to be retroactive to [host’s date of birth].”
In short, if you find yourself at a holiday party with this dude is decorated in tinsel, it would behoove you to eat a bunch of whatever looks most like to cause food poisoning and then sneak out the bathroom window. Get the point?
And join us next week when we highlight our special subset of Gifts on the Go!