I get a lot of catalogs in the mail. If I had to assign a percentage, I’d say about 85% of our mail is catalogs. Some of them are places I’ve ordered from in the past like Pottery Barn or Frontgate, but most of them are seriously trashy, “build your credit while buying a bunch of useless crap” type catalogs.
With Christmas around the corner, the rate at which these catalogs keep coming is out of control, and the contents are a little more over the top with every passing week. I can’t possibly see why any well adjusted, sane individual would ever want this crap, but far be it from me to deny exposure to those with, ahem, simpler tastes.
So without further adieu, I present to you a multi-part series of posts wherein I present to you:
WTF?!? Friday: Your guide to stupid, ugly, or otherwise distasteful Christmas gifts.
1. Hanging Lighted Deer Decoration
Because it’s just not the holidays until you’ve got the house strung up with this tasteful sculpture of a deer…strung up. Comes complete with indoor/outdoor rated lights around a wire frame AND “super realistic” exsanguination! Remember, kids – nothing says Happy Holidays like Prancer bleeding to death in the tree outside your front door.
2. Bigfoot Lawn Sculptures
It’s so hard to find tasteful lawn decor these days, but with this trio of delightful lawn ornaments you are guaranteed to get yourself on
some sort only the best of police/FBI/neighborhood watch list. What’s with the creepy pedophile behind the tree? Why can’t you see his other hand? The important thing to remember here is that in addition to ensuring that no one comes within 500 yards of your property, you can also act out your own Jack Links “Messing with Bigfoot” adventures! (Jack Links beef jerky not included.)
3. Nessie Lamp
What’s the season of light without some warm, fuzzy mood lighting? Horrifying, if you give this little beauty as your Secret Santa gift.This LED encrusted Dr. Seuss/Island of Dr. Moreau atrocity is sure to give the recipient hours upon hours of nightmares replete with fuzzy tentacled LED anal probes!
5. Comforts of Home Fire Enhancing Gift Basket
The manufacturer guarantees that you will be the talk of the next holiday party when you come bearing this attractive basket of cedar kindling and cinnamon scented pine cones. Of course, they fail to mention that the conversation will take place after you leave and be centered entirely around what a cheap motherfucker you are. Seriously, I could buy every single thing pictured in that basket and the basket itself and still be able to buy myself the Costco sized bottle of Jack Daniels to drink my shame away.
There you go, boys and girls- plenty of fuel to get you in the mood for a holiday season of drinking to forget! Be sure to join us next week when we tackle the subtleties of holiday entertaining!
What’s the most shameful Christmas decoration you’ve ever seen?