«

»

Nov 22

WTF Friday: Assault By Any Other Weapon

Print Friendly

Earlier in the week, my husband linked me to a news story that happened near where we live. The full article is so hilariously well written in describing events, so I won’t rehash it here but to say READ IT. It involves fisticuffs, spilled bacon, and a frozen turkey. It is worth perusing.

http://www.channel3000.com/news/woman-wields-frozen-turkey-in-grocery-store-melee-police-say/-/1648/23052340/-/iin4biz/-/index.html

 

As is the fashion in the midwest at this time of year, it snowed today. As in, “leave a few minutes early to clear off the car and wear mittens” snow. Because I prepared accordingly, traffic was actually not bad at all and I got in 30 minutes early.

 

At 8:00, when everyone would generally be getting to work, maybe 2 people were on time. The receptionist was in at 8:15 bitching and moaning about how terrible traffic was and how many accidents she passed, all before she even took her coat off. Everyone else trickled in between 8:20 and 8:45 grumbling about stupid drivers too.
winter-blunt-card

 

Before any of these grumbles started rumbling through the office, my other early arriving coworker and I made a friendly wager about how many people would show up late this morning and use traffic as an excuse. We went so far as to pull up the real time traffic cams pulled up on the internet, and make a tally every time someone claimed there was an accident. Because people live all over, very few people here take the same route to work, yet at the end of our tally, we had claims of 23 accidents on the commute this morning.

 

Meanwhile, my coworker and I were checking the traffic cameras and both seeing the same thing – the roadways were clear and our Starbucks toting coworkers are dirty fucking liars, trying to enjoy a leisurely Friday. I’m onto you people.

 

In related news, my only traffic snafu today happened when I went to pick up my salad at lunch. As I was proceeding to make a right turn on green at a traffic light, some asshole decided to change lanes in the intersection while running a red light and speeding, nearly t-boning me in the process. Most people would sheepishly drive off as fast as possible and try to pretend the event never happened. Not this douche. No, he flipped me off for being in his way. I responded in kind with my own single finger salute. He tapped his brakes at me and then changed lanes to get next to me. As he pulled along side me, he rolled down his window and started screaming at me to watch where my bitch ass was going and made various vulgar references to the intelligence of my vagina.

 

Not one to rise to his bait, I ended the confrontation graciously and reasonably. I chucked an empty coke can through his window and blew him a kiss before driving off.

 

But at least I didn’t beat him over the head with a frozen turkey.

1 comment

  1. PinotNinja

    “It involved fisticuffs, spilled bacon, and a frozen turkey” — that is how I would like my life to be described on my tombstone.
    PinotNinja recently posted..Babies, Roast Raccoon, and Chakras: A Rural Yuletide TaleMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge