Jul 06

WTF Friday – Adventures in Landlording: Moving on out.

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of these little gems because most of my students went home for summer and it’s been pretty quiet here. Little by little, the malcontented miscreants are drifting back into town for the purpose of moving out, and it’s game on again.

So here’s a fresh batch of shit brownies, whipped up by my tenants the fucktards.

A group of frat-tards dropped off all their keys and told us point blank, “We moved out.” I happened to be there the next day for a showing to find that the apartment was empty, but for a brand new double bed in one of the bedrooms and the apartment is filthy. They called me a few days later to check on the status of their security deposit.

“So, we dropped off keys last week, but we still haven’t received our security deposit.”
“Well, I want to verify that you’re completely moved out because the place isn’t clean and someone left a bed.”
“I don’t care; it’s not my bed. We are officially moved out, so shouldn’t we get our deposit back now?”
“To be honest, if you’re not going to clean or remove this bed, you’re looking at some serious deductions against your deposit which you won’t get back until after the lease term ends.”

Cue the irate Jewish mother…
“Cleaning is normal wear and tear, and I want my son’s bed back. You need to mail me a key so I can come get it.”
“Number one, cleaning is not normal wear and tear. Number two, your son confirmed that he is moved out. You aren’t permitted to have a key after you’ve surrendered the premises. Number three, the law says that I have until 21 days after the end of the lease term to give you whatever remaining deposit you’re owed.”
“I’m calling the police! This is theft!”
The police reiterated what the law says about abandoned property and security and she called back to say she wasn’t paying rent for August (which she already did), and she’s suing us.
“Best of luck to you in getting the last word. I look forward to what will be an easy win for me.”


An off-campus tenant with whom we’ve had a great deal of  trouble and attitude sent me an email in response to the move-out packet we mail everyone.

“We incurred a great deal of expenses with our recent move and are unable to come up with July rent. Just apply our security deposit towards the rent, and we can work out any incurred expenses at the end of the month.”

Yeah, no. Security deposits are for damages and cleaning/painting. Also they painted the entire apartment a god awful color and gave me shit when I told them that the new tenants don’t want to keep their color, necessitating that they repaint.

“I don’t see why we should go to the time and expense of repainting since you didn’t treat us well enough to keep us another year. We’re just going to have to go over your head on this and speak to the owner. He liked the color.”
“With all due respect, I have a legal contract with him that says I make the policies for the building, so his opinion here is irrelevant.”
“I don’t appreciate this oppressive dictatorship you’ve created.”
“That doesn’t make me the one in the wrong here.”

Pretty much every campus area lease in the city terminates on the same day. Move-in happens a day and a half after that, resulting in what is known as “24 hours of homelessness.” Really, it’s  a rite of passage around here, but one tenant feels that it’s offensive to his more delicate sensibilities.

“My new lease doesn’t start until the 16th, so I’m going to need the apartment for an extra two days.”
“We can’t do that. We need that extra time to check out the apartment, clean, paint and get the unit ready for the next tenants who are scheduled to move in on the 16th.”
“Well that’s too bad. You can’t kick me out with no place to go, so I’m staying.”
“Understand that if you don’t move out on the 14th by 9:00 am as specified by your lease, you will be charged two times the amount of rent every day until you leave, plus the cost of temporary housing and storage for the new tenants’ belongings. And I don’t even need a judge’s permission to do it! Good luck getting a new apartment with that collection on your record!”
“That won’t be necessary. I’ll just get a hotel.”
“Smart boy.”

I don’t care. GTFO.

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, kids.


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  1. bluzdude

    This is the inevitable byproduct of parents catering to their kids’ every whim. They’re actually shocked to find out that the world doesn’t snap to, whenever they make a demand.

    1. admin

      I don’t know that shocked is the appropriate word so much as appalled and enraged. But I’ve found that I like fanning those flames just to see that moment where something in their brain fizzles and they’re reduced to monosyllabic half words.

  2. Misty

    This was my favorite:

    “I don’t appreciate this oppressive dictatorship you’ve created.”

    Why can’t people say things like that to me?? I want to create my own oppressive dicatatorship!! Oh, wait. I forgot for a minute that I have kids . . . we’re good. Carry on.

    1. Valerie


      You took the word out of my mouth. Then again, I would probably just laugh my ass off instead of coming back with a witty response.



      1. admin

        Oh, there are days when laughing my ass off is a much more impactful response.

    2. admin

      This is one of those hippy-dippy fucktards that pays $60 a year to shop at a co-op too.

      Also, what good is having kids if you can’t turn it into an oppressive regime?

  3. Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes)

    Oh, Mandi…

    (I’ll stop now but it triggers a Barry Manilow moment.)


    I seriously have to wonder if I was that obnoxious as a young college student. I reallyyy hope not but I fear that I may have been.

    Is my apology retroactive? If so, mea culpa.

    1. admin

      I somehow doubt you were like that. See, we were raised as generations of kids who still got a righteous ass whoopin’ for being dickheads. Then child services tried to label it as abuse. Well fuck that. Beatings in my house will continue until attitude/morale improves.

  4. NATurally Inappropriate

    Fuck! Dani just got Barry Manilow stuck in my head. Also, I get to see you in just a few weeks. Fucking winning.

  5. Valerie

    Your suave handling of these idiots amazes me. I bet you could talk the skin off a rattlesnake. (I’m not sure if that’s a real saying… But I’m gonna go ahead and stand by it.)

    You. Rock.



    1. admin

      Rattlesnakes are notorious whores, as evidenced by the fact that they don’t have to be talked out of their skin. They take it off regularly.

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