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Sep 29

Who jizzed on your frosted mini wheats?

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I found something I wrote a few years back about how ill-tempered I can be first thing in the morning. In my adult life, I’ve gone through some rabid phases of insomnia where I went a few days at a time without more than an hour or two of shut-eye per night. Back then, I didn’t believe in things like Ambien. Now older and wiser,  I realize that I need more beauty sleep, because as Ken tells me, I’m one ugly bitch in the morning.

During the time the following is written, it is painfully apparent that full time school and full time work were not meeting my beauty sleep requirements. Here are a few of the things that I’ve said in the early morning that have left many of my friends asking me “Who jizzed on your frosted mini wheats?”

“If that guy doesn’t embody fat gamer nerd, I don’t know what does.”

“Get your fat ass out of my way, you ugly bumble bee looking bitch!”

“Why didn’t your mom spike you like a football in infancy?”

“If I really cared about what a bunch of bitter twenty something bitches without boyfriends thought about my relationship, I’d be as dumb as they are and then I’d have to do the world a favor and end myself.”

“The real travesty here is that your mother didn’t give you the coat hanger kiss in utero.”

It would seem that I’m a little nicer on 5 hours of sleep or less, but not by much.

And to Ken, who has been witness to or on the receiving end of some of these little pearls. Thank you for making me coffee and not throwing cold water on me first thing in the morning.

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