The time has come to lay some hard truths on you kids these days. Because it seems there’s a dearth of positive role models when it comes to your clothing choices and the rest of us are being made to suffer.
First and foremost, ladies, the Uggs have got to go. They are not cute fashion accessories. They are an abomination and an affront to boots everywhere. They have no shape and no style, unless you count Abominable Snow Whore as a style. Worse still, they have no arch support and zero ability to keep your feet warm and dry when it’s 20 below.
If you’re from some warmer climate and can’t comprehend what 20 below feels like, FUCK YOU. If you’re more about the style than the functionality, FUCK YOU. I moved to Wisconsin from California (yes, willingly) hoping that people here knew better and bought real boots, but it’s still alive and well in the climate too, only that stupid shit will get you killed here.
When it comes to accessorizing in Wisconsin Winters, more is more. With as much booze and cheap beer as people in this state drink (Number 1 in the nation for binge drinking – Thank you, UW Fraternities) you really don’t need to try so hard. Chances are, you’re just going to end up fucking behind an alleyway dumpster in parkas while a homeless guy watches and beats off to keep warm. Besides, men think they’re hideous too. Seriously, I’ve been asked by way too many men what women see in those boots, and I have no answer to give them. I’ll save you from their comments on pointy toed shoes, lest your heads explode.
And while we’re on the subject of fashion don’ts, I have a scathing missive for you peacocking, allegedly hetero cock holsters of the world. ENOUGH WITH THE POPPED COLLARS, DICK BRAIN. That shit makes you look like a constipated turtle and I get seriously stabby. No girl with a self respecting vagina is going to get turned on by that shit, and the not so self respecting vaginas you’ll settle for have herpes, so knock it off. The only fashion statement you’re making by wearing that shit is “I LOVE THE COCK AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO VERBALLY EXPRESS IT!” only you’re being seriously offensive to my bromosexual buds because they find it just as repulsive as I do. If you’re so busy overcompensating for your lack of personality (douche is not a personality) by dressing like an Abercrombie hobo, you should just stick to letting your mom dress you.
And to both sexes of the twenty-something persuasion, what do you have against fresh air? Your room smells like sweaty socks and week old sushi, and any public place you frequent for more than 5 seconds smells like the Designer Imposter version of the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Lay off the perfume/cologne/aftershave/body spray. One spritz is more than enough! Anything more than that and I instinctively reach into my purse for one dollar bills.
You are, allegedly, grown adults. Someday soon you’re going to be in a position where you need employment. But from what I’ve seen in the past few months, unless your intended career path is stripper or gigolo, no employer is going to take you seriously when your short skirt leaves your twat on full display, or they’re so overcome by your body fumes that they pass out midway through the interview. Yes, we’re all trying to assert our individuality, and competition for recognition is fierce, but you’re getting recognition for all the wrong reasons. Now go take a shower and put some real clothes on.