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Jun 21

We are all hilariously stupid.

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It’s been stressful around the Atypically Relevant universe lately while I keep busy and await some possible big news. Since I’ve been stalking and crashing on your proverbial couches by way of funny comments, I figured I’d throw a small party here at my place. So without any glitzy centerpieces are 20 piece bands, I give you some random hilarity from me and mah peeps these last few months.

 

grapes_of_wrath

 

“You get all the cool stuff. I just get unfriended by Jesus.”
-Dani at Facebooking from the Edge

 

“I’m still holding out to be a bronze statue in the town square for my contributions to society… Of course, if that’s not possible, perhaps I could be made into spice, so the contributors to headache in my life can truly and sincerely eat me.”
-Drew Baxter in a conversation about art, gone terribly awry.

 

“Listen, when I see a group of Marines in their dress blues coming towards me on the street, I avert their gaze because they always look like they could disembowel me with an index finger and a dirty look.  A group of Navy guys always look like they are about to break into a musical song and dance number.  I respect you guys, and I know you are tough as shit, but Christ, you really drew the short straw on this one…I should go.  I imagine there is a Navy Destroyer somewhere poised to fire a Tomahawk missile right up my ass…”
-Arrogant SOB during a Chaos in Theory blog-lecture

 

“Babies are magical. They make my friends disappear.”
- Me, regarding my dearly departed social circle.

 

“As a matter of fact, I think masturbation during prayer hour would be a fantastic use of my time. A whole hour is more than enough time to do it right!”
- Me, regarding what I’d do during prayer time at a religious private school.

 

Ken, while flipping through an old book:
“Ugh! Weird pictures of testicular torsion! I don’t need to see pictures of that. I KNOW it’s fucked up.”

 

Queen Inappropriate, regarding a certain blouse:
“It’s sooooo comfy and so flattering! Wear a push up for a night on the town or strap those puppies down for the office.”
Me: “I don’t strap shit down for this office. These puppies are crowd control.”

 

Tina, regarding my atheist lack of soul:
“You’re like a ginger, only you did it to yourself.”

 

 

me: *hwarf*

Queen Inappropriate: wtf is a hwarf
me: That would be the onomatopoeic version of *vom*. Because anything related to mung is ick.
Queen Inappropriate: wtf is a vom? Is onomatopoeic a real word?
me: Yes. An onomatopoeia is a word that makes the sound it’s describing. Like “thud” or “thwackata, thwackata, thwackata.”

Queen Inappropriate: This conversation is terrible. Like, this is not at all what I came to this chat for.

 

 

me: You’ve never experienced Disneyland until you’ve spent 10 hours there with a fever.
Steve: And I never will. Mickey can suck my dick.
Me: Being that the Mickey costume is generally worn by a girl, that’s not a half bad proposition.

 

 

me: I have to go pick up my cat from Meowschwitz after work because we’re Anne Frank-ing her while our management does the annual apartment inspections.

Steve:  And you say this to a Jew.
Steve:  I <3 you.

 

Queen Inappropriate, regarding her husband:

He’s so awesome. I don’t believe in god, but if I did, I’d believe he sent him to me as a reward for not slaying my family when I was a child.

 

My husband, calling me at the office: Did you bring your gym bag to work today?

Me: No, why?

Him: Crap! I forgot to put deodorant on this morning.

Me: I have some in my desk…

Him: Is it strong enough for a man? Never mind. I’ll be right there.

 

me:  My god, tenants are such drama queens. And I actually mean “queen” pretty literally here. In a “pound me in the ass, Freddie Mercury” kind of way.

 

 

From Val, following an exchange of mailing addresses:Val: Thanks! Now I shall totally show up all creepy like at your house! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding… Or… Am I….?
Me: I have an attack cat. Bring it.
Me: No, seriously, I’m bleeding right now. Bring band aids.
Val: I’m all out of band aids.. But… I’ve got duct tape. And also .. Hope.

4 comments

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  1. NATurally Inappropriate

    We are so completely hilarious.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..The HappeningsMy Profile

    1. admin

      We are the height of comedy.

  2. Valerie

    This reminds me that we need to email each other more. We make a good team… And I mean that in a total non-creepy way. Unless you think me wearing your skin is creepy. Then I guess it just goes to show you how different we all are.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    1. admin

      Indeed. If you were ever to travel to the land of beer and cheese, we may never be able to post bail.

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