It’s been stressful around the Atypically Relevant universe lately while I keep busy and await some possible big news. Since I’ve been stalking and crashing on your proverbial couches by way of funny comments, I figured I’d throw a small party here at my place. So without any glitzy centerpieces are 20 piece bands, I give you some random hilarity from me and mah peeps these last few months.
“You get all the cool stuff. I just get unfriended by Jesus.”
-Dani at Facebooking from the Edge
“I’m still holding out to be a bronze statue in the town square for my contributions to society… Of course, if that’s not possible, perhaps I could be made into spice, so the contributors to headache in my life can truly and sincerely eat me.”
-Drew Baxter in a conversation about art, gone terribly awry.
“Listen, when I see a group of Marines in their dress blues coming towards me on the street, I avert their gaze because they always look like they could disembowel me with an index finger and a dirty look. A group of Navy guys always look like they are about to break into a musical song and dance number. I respect you guys, and I know you are tough as shit, but Christ, you really drew the short straw on this one…I should go. I imagine there is a Navy Destroyer somewhere poised to fire a Tomahawk missile right up my ass…”
-Arrogant SOB during a Chaos in Theory blog-lecture
“Babies are magical. They make my friends disappear.”
– Me, regarding my dearly departed social circle.
“As a matter of fact, I think masturbation during prayer hour would be a fantastic use of my time. A whole hour is more than enough time to do it right!”
– Me, regarding what I’d do during prayer time at a religious private school.
Ken, while flipping through an old book:
“Ugh! Weird pictures of testicular torsion! I don’t need to see pictures of that. I KNOW it’s fucked up.”
Queen Inappropriate, regarding a certain blouse:
“It’s sooooo comfy and so flattering! Wear a push up for a night on the town or strap those puppies down for the office.”
Me: “I don’t strap shit down for this office. These puppies are crowd control.”
Tina, regarding my atheist lack of soul:
“You’re like a ginger, only you did it to yourself.”
Queen Inappropriate: This conversation is terrible. Like, this is not at all what I came to this chat for.
me: You’ve never experienced Disneyland until you’ve spent 10 hours there with a fever.
Steve: And I never will. Mickey can suck my dick.
Me: Being that the Mickey costume is generally worn by a girl, that’s not a half bad proposition.
Steve: And you say this to a Jew.
Steve: I <3 you.
Queen Inappropriate, regarding her husband:
He’s so awesome. I don’t believe in god, but if I did, I’d believe he sent him to me as a reward for not slaying my family when I was a child.
My husband, calling me at the office: Did you bring your gym bag to work today?
Me: No, why?
Him: Crap! I forgot to put deodorant on this morning.
Me: I have some in my desk…
Him: Is it strong enough for a man? Never mind. I’ll be right there.
me: My god, tenants are such drama queens. And I actually mean “queen” pretty literally here. In a “pound me in the ass, Freddie Mercury” kind of way.
From Val, following an exchange of mailing addresses:Val: Thanks! Now I shall totally show up all creepy like at your house! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding… Or… Am I….?
Me: I have an attack cat. Bring it.
Me: No, seriously, I’m bleeding right now. Bring band aids.
Val: I’m all out of band aids.. But… I’ve got duct tape. And also .. Hope.