Dear Fellow Local Motorists,
I blame you dumbfounded dipshits for my progressively more violent road rage. Yes, it snowed last night, but there’s been ice on the roadways for the past two months! How is today different from any of the previous 60 days? Look, the posted speed limit is 30. Everyone else (including the snow plow) is going 40. So when you’re the asshat straddling the center line, poking along at 15 mph, talking on a cell phone, fucking with the radio, and finger banging your girlfriend, I want to shove that cell phone so far up your ass that you could dial with your uvula. In your case, I’d be less concerned about driving too fast for the conditions and more concerned that I’m going to jog up to your car, yank you out of it, and kick your ass before I leave you for dead in a melting snowbank.
The same goes for you, twatwaffle in daddy’s Lexus SUV with New York plates, rhinestone studded cell phone, and ridiculously over-sized sunglasses- If you can’t see around your stupid glasses, your cell phone, or your latte well enough to head check before you barrel into my occupied lane, you shouldn’t be surprised when I’m hurling whatever I have within reach to get your attention.
Honorable mention goes to White Trash Nancy in the rust bucket who’s more concerned with digging the cigarette lighter she just dropped out of her cleavage than merging with traffic on the highway. You’re an asshole. Please stay the hell off the road until I’m safely ensconced at my desk.
And Cyclists! WTF are you doing riding a bike in the snow, shit for brains? You don’t halt for stop signs, pedestrians, traffic with right of way, or vehicles 10 times your size! Look, granola muncher – if you can’t stop your 50 pound bike safely for any obstacles in the roadway, what the hell makes you think that my 2,000 pound Civic is going to be able to stop safely for you? I commend your desire to commute green, but save that thought until you can actually see the green of the grass, or you won’t live long enough to get a mention in my summer traffic rant.
And you! Mr. and Mrs. So Old and Decrepit That I Can’t Operate a Vehicle Properly or I’ll Snap Every Bone in my Body- I don’t give a rat’s ass if you *have* been alive longer than Methuselah. If that’s your excuse for being unable to perform the maneuvers necessary to have a driver’s license then you should just surrender yours now and leave your kids and grandkids to cart your ass around. While you may be welcoming death’s embrace, the rest of us aren’t quite so enthusiastic. Or old.
Seriously cock holsters, have some respect for the sanctity of life.