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Apr 17

Happy Birthday! Have Some Untimely Death by Moped.

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The weather has been nicer and more spring-like lately*, so I’m trying to walk to more of my showings within 4-5 blocks of my office.

*Except yesterday when it was so windy I got choked with my own hair every time I opened my mouth to speak. Even Mother Nature wants me to shut the fuck up.

Of course, being a pedestrian in any city comes with its own challenges. Let’s face it- no matter how many laws exist giving you the right of way, everyone else (including those smug, reckless cyclist bastards) considers you the conveyance-free low man on the totem pole.

It’s almost a daily occurrence for cyclists in our fair city to blow off a stop sign and almost get hit by a car or plow through a pedestrian.

I’ll admit it- I’m a fickle bitch. When I’m a pedestrian, I hate motorists and when I’m a motorist I hate pedestrians, cyclists, other motorists, children, old people, and anyone wearing a t-shirt with Bob Marley or Che Guevara.

I wasn’t jaywalking, and FUCK YOU.

Why all the hate? I’m sure you all remember my candid, well-worded, and perfectly reasonable diatribe against mopeds.  Well, I had 3 different showings at a nearby building yesterday and I was almost mowed down by one of the little dildo-driving cum puppets at every single showing.

The first time, I was crossing with a damn walk light and the dumb motherfucker came barreling down the turn lane with no regard for my right of way, and no intention of stopping. My potential lessees may have shouted some highly inappropriate but approved epithets at his fleeing form.

On trip number two, I was returning to the office and crossing the parking lot behind the apartment building when some cum receptacle on her hot pink sex rocket darted between the two parked cars I was walking toward. I ended up having to jump out of the way while she turned hard to miss me. After which, she had the nerve to give me the finger and I threw a rock at her.

My final near death experience was also on the return trip to the office where I was crossing University Avenue (which is a one-way street, for you non-locals). It’s already a terrible crossing because there’s a marked crosswalk that no one pays any attention to, even when you’re traveling in it. In this case, I lucked out because all the traffic was stuck at a red light for at least another 30 seconds and I can cross all 4 lanes of that hell in 12, wearing 6” stilettos and doing an Irish jig.

My luck ran out as I was in the last lane when a moped came tearing toward me, driving THE WRONG WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET. See, in this state, mopeds are treated like fat bicycles for parking purposes, but still have to obey the same traffic laws as motor vehicles. EXCEPT that you don’t need a driver license to operate a moped, so these dumbfounded dipshits don’t even know what the traffic laws are.

Like this, only imagine me giving him the finger.

When Mr. No-Way-But-the-Wrong-Way made his debut, I’d already resigned myself to death before my 31st birthday, so I stood in the middle of the lane, hand on one hip, head cocked to the side with a look on my face that I hope conveyed the sentiment best described as “try me, motherfucker.” It must have worked, because he ended up having to swerve around me into oncoming traffic that had escaped the red light and then ran his moped up the curb before ramming it into a concrete retaining wall. Karma is a BITCH, sweetheart.

And speaking of birthdays! I’d like to wish a happy birthday today to my old-ass husband, who will always be 1 year and some odd days more decrepit than I.  This is also my birthday week and we will be celebrating by spending a night in a swanky hotel in Dubuque, IA (motto: we have riverboat gambling) for some well-deserved R&R.

I’m not much for celebrating my birthday with parties or attention whoring. Hell, I’m not even going to tell you when it is. However, to show that I’m still a good sport, and because I much prefer giving gifts to getting them, I’m giving one of you the opportunity to have a very merry un-birthday with some fabulous gifts.

First, these stylish refrigerator magnets for the house full of munchies:

  

And because pie is no good without coffee:

 

Busy day of being stunning indeed…

Or perhaps you don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but you are someone who enjoys the finer foods in life, I have this:

To win, you must chose your favorite among my many ranting, frustration-fueled posts and write me a poem in any format of 31 words or less. I’ll also pick 2-3 runners up and give them a smaller, but still fabulous consolation prize to be determined later and shamelessly plug your mastery of poetry and/or the English language in a follow-up post. Leave me a comment or email me by Sunday, April 22nd .

Give me your best shot – a hateful review in masterfully crafted iambic pentameter, a dirty limerick in homage, or a flowery soliloquy – just make it good. Use of profanity is acceptable, and even encouraged, if used sparingly and done well.

Happy word-crafting!

19 comments

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  1. Dani

    You don’t want much, do you?

    FINE.

    I’ll write you a damn poem.
    Dani recently posted..You say "tumescence", I say "peener"My Profile

    1. Dani

      Well you came and you gave without taking
      And I sent you away, oh Mandy
      And you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
      And I need you today, oh Mandy

      I’m standing on the edge of time
      Walked away when love was mine
      Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
      The tears are in my eyes
      And nothing is rhyming, oh Mandy…

      GOD I’m brilliant. BRILLIANT. This could almost be a SONG.
      Dani recently posted..You say "tumescence", I say "peener"My Profile

      1. Jana

        Damn you, this will be stuck in my head all day!!
        Jana recently posted..Ooops, I did it againMy Profile

      2. admin

        I’ll have to refer back to the rule book, but I’m pretty sure that disqualifies you…

        Also, you’re going to hell for getting that stuck in my head. Fuck you, Barry Manilow.

  2. Jana

    Jesus….I have to WORK for your birthday. You should just give it to me because I am fab….fine….but I will need to drink first for inspiration.
    Jana recently posted..Ooops, I did it againMy Profile

    1. admin

      Drinking is encouraged. STRONGLY encouraged.

  3. NATurally Inappropriate

    Bramble boobs, ebony stock
    Nightmare twat protected by Glock
    Stoic semen stains of love
    Mannequin Mandi, bettah wear gloves.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..It’s sad.My Profile

    1. admin

      Hahaha…brilliant!

  4. Jana

    Mandi Pandy-Puddin Pie
    Likes to kiss the boys and make ’em cry
    When Mandi Pandy goes out to play
    She makes the mo-peds run away
    Mandi Pandy just the other day
    almost had a spawn of satan on the way.

    All Right…I’m done…tapping out.

    1. admin

      I wasn’t sure where you were going with that, but I lol’d at the end.

  5. Misty

    Goddamnit, Mandi! I didn’t make you work this hard for YOUR prizes!! (and I suck balls at poetry. Fuck).

    Oh Mandi, fuck you
    I love your posts but can’t rhyme to save my ass.

    Was that a haiku? Bite me, I say yes.

    Now give me my loot!

    Oh, and happy happy day to your hubs and to you, biotch!! MWAH.
    Misty recently posted..Tag! You’re It.My Profile

    1. admin

      Um… I’m pretty sure I wrote you a kick ass limerick. I said ANY format. You can write me a ballad. Bitches love ballads.

      1. Misty

        Grrrrr . . . fine.

        There once was a girl named Mandi
        With boobs that make toddlers get handsy
        Her tenants are whack
        And need a good smack
        So Chateauneuf du Pape is her candy.

        Oh Mandi has a name like Misty
        Where songs with her name make her cringey
        When she hears Barry
        It makes her teary
        Cuz she wants to punch that twat with her fisty.

        (I warned you I sucked at the rhyming. It is not one of my gifts. But can I have the prizes now, please????).

        Ok, here’s one more:

        Happy Birthday to you and your hubs
        To celebrate, have sexytime in hot tubs
        You might gamble away
        Your most recent pay
        But who needs money when you have mad loves!

        Ok, I lied. This is IT though:

        Mandi and her hubs are idiots savant
        To commemorate this she gave him what he wants
        She slaved away
        But her efforts did pay
        With an epic beer fridge all other wives she does taunt.
        Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos: Part ThreeMy Profile

  6. NATurally Inappropriate

    31 words or less!!!
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..WTF Wednesday: She’s not country. QuesadillasMy Profile

  7. Misty

    Oops, missed that part! Did you actually count each one? Damn, girl.
    Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos: Part ThreeMy Profile

  8. Valerie

    I once got hit in a parking lot whilst texting. This happened the day after my husband lectured me for texting and not paying attention to where I was going. And to make matters worse, a lady older than god hit me. Think of that scene in Superbad when the fatty gets hit and goes flying.

    My husband almost peed himself when he found out. But, luckily, he was too busy doing the I Told You So Dance..
    Valerie recently posted..If My Dog Were Human, I Would Get a Restraining OrderMy Profile

  9. Jana

    Misty – showin’ off her wordsmithing skills!! Woot Woot!!

  10. Jen

    You had me at “dildo-driving cum puppets”. That filled my heart with so much joy.
    Jen recently posted..Fasting: You’re Doing It WrongMy Profile

  11. NATurally Inappropriate

    LMFAO
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..F*ck You FridayMy Profile

  1. WTF Wednesday: She’s not country. Quesadillas | NATurally Inappropriate

    […] friend Mandi is doing a contest requiring dirty poetry. I’ma win that shit, […]

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