Jun 13

Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.

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I’m not much of a bug person. Outside of an eight year old boy, who is? A spider here and there? That’s cool. They eat bugs and I’m happy to have them as long as they don’t eat my face. Ants? Sure. Just keep it outside, freakshow. Cockroaches? Never okay. Kill that shit with fire. Bedbugs? Even the idea makes my skin crawl.  And then itch. And then I scratch uncontrollably until I’m a big seething welt of insect hatred. That said, insect infestations of any kind give me the “full-body-shudder-I’m-paralyzed-by-ick” willies.

So imagine my delight this morning when one of my tenants who isn’t a complete and total fucktard called to report that he found bedbugs in his apartment. As soon as I took down his info and called the pest control company, my skin started itching everywhere, even though I haven’t even been to that building in over a month. My neighbors across the hall confided in us that the tenants before them had a bedbug infestation and they’re still fighting it off, so I’m ridiculously anal about checking nooks, crannies, and mattresses in our apartment for evidence of them.

While I haven’t found evidence of these critters in my own domicile, I ain’t takin’ no damn chances! I went to the garden center at lunch and bought a bottle of diatomaceous earth to treat the apartment with. While I was there, I ran across a section of the store devoted to “fairy gardening.” For those unfamiliar with this concept, it is the practice of crafting a small, outdoor dollhouse from itty-bitty garden components and teensy-weensy furniture to entice fairies to come live in your garden. It’s a cute idea if you’ve got small children, but I can’t imagine devoting a great deal of time to it as an adult. One woman was arguing with a sales woman over whether sphagnum moss or mood moss looks more like real grass, as she was buying up itsy bitsy bird baths. By her own admission, she does not have children. She just “believes in the awesome magical powers of fairies.”

I cannot make this shit up.


In other hilarious internet trolling news, Matt Inman of The Oatmeal is delivering a righteous bitch slap of internet justice to the owners of Funnyjunk.com for their blatant cash grab at his expense. I recommend going over the Oatmeal blog and reading the whole thing in all its fucked up glory, but I’ll give you the nutshell version if you’re too lazy to clicky the linky. Basically, they hosted his content on their site without credit, profited from the ads, and are now attempting to sue him for $20k over a year later for what they are trying to call libel, slander, or some other bullshit. Meanwhile, they’re still violating DCMA while hosting HUNDREDS of his items. (Literally hundreds – I got a cramp in my wrist scrolling through it all.)

To quote my new hero, Matt:
“You want ME to pay YOU $20,000 for hosting MY unlicensed comics on your SHITTY website for the past three years? No. I’ve got a better idea.

I’m going to try and raise $20,00 in donations. I’m going to take a photo of the raised money. I’m going to mail you that photo, along with this drawing of your mom seducing a Kodiak bear.

Photo courtesy of The Oatmeal (www.theoatmeal.com) See, Funny Junk? Is it really so fucking hard to give credit where credit is due, you cornholing fuck monkeys?

I’m going to take the money and donate one half to the National Wildlife Federation and the other half to the American Cancer Society.”

And so he has. He raised the initial $20k in an hour and it’s at $150k and climbing as we speak.

Cockknockers’ attorney has been completely unprepared for this response, and made the following idiotic comments in an interview:

“I really did not expect that he would marshal an army of people who would besiege my website and send me a string of obscene emails.”

Dude! Have you ever been on the fucking internet? Do you not read legal journals? Did you never see anything on TV or in the newspaper about the Regretsy/Paypal incident that caused Paypal users to abandon the service en masse?

“I’m completely unfamiliar really with this style of responding to a legal threat — I’ve never really seen it before. I don’t like seeing anyone referring to my mother as a sexual deviant.”

Again, you’ve clearly never spent any time on the internet, or 4-chan.

“It’s an education in the power of mob psychology and the Internet.”

And yet you will learn absolutely nothing from this, you ignoble, money grubbing fucktwaddle.

I will leave you today with this marvel of modern retail wizardry, also found at the garden center during my lunch break:

Yes. Birds love hot sauce, while squirrels are apparently so repulsed by it that flame shoots out of their squirrely little asses. Or maybe that’s a tail. Whatever. I was tempted to buy this and test it on my tacos, but it was $10 a bottle, and Tapatio is only $6.

It’s my half Friday, so don’t expect too much vitriole from me on Friday. I’ll probably be drinking wine and watching my Coupling DVDs for the bazillionth time. Cheers, babes!


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  1. Valerie

    Is it weird that that picture looks exactly like my Boss? I wonder if they’re related…

    Enjoy your Friday!!



    1. admin

      The flaming squirrel, or the Kodiak bear? Either way, pics or it never happened.
      Admin recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.My Profile

  2. Jana

    I need some of that hot sauce…must buy and send to me! Happy early Friday, I hate you.

    1. admin

      If it makes you feel better, I spent my day off looking for a new apartment.
      Admin recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.My Profile

  3. bluzdude

    The down side of that sauce is that after the birds eat it and then shit on your windshield, it eats right through.

    1. admin

      Thank you sir. I read the email notification of this message a few days ago, and choked on a cracker. I read it again today and snorted snapple. Bravo.
      Admin recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.My Profile

  4. Misty

    I took off all day Friday. It was glorious. Hope you enjoyed yours as well!

    I have never heard of this “fairy gardening” bullshit. I this some sort of sexual fetish thing of which I was previously unaware? I’m sure there are people out there who wanna have sex with fairies. Pretty much there is always someone who wants to have sex with all sorts of crazy shit. Freaks.

    1. admin

      Rule 34: If it can be thought of, there exists the fetishist version somewhere on teh interwebz.
      Admin recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.My Profile

  5. NATurally Inappropriate

    Dude. WTF is wrong with people. Fairy gardening? Really? And, I totes need to know if you are bullshitting about birds loving hotsauce. I have this pack of birds that lives in my porch and they shit all over my fucking front mat and my furniture and everything. I must rid myself of these goddamn birds and make them never come back.

    1. admin

      Yes. They love hot sauce. Do not feed it to them if you want them to leave, or you’d better learn to love patio furniture shellaqued in bird shit.
      Admin recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.My Profile

  6. NATurally Inappropriate

    Also, what’s wrong with your comment luv?

    1. admin

      My roboinstaller updated to WP 3.4, but not the plugins. I had to update those my damn self.
      Admin recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.My Profile

  7. Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes)

    The idea of bedbugs sends me straight over the edge. The reality would probably do me in.

    Working in the school system for so long I had more encounters with head lice than I can possibly count and the knowledge that one of our charges was hosting those little critters would trigger in me an immediate itch response that would last until I went to the drug store, bought lice killer shampoo, and risked giving myself head cancer just on the off chance that one of those little bastards was laying eggs in my hair.

    Jesus, I’m itching right now just thinking about it.

    The worst was last year when I was responsible for making sure a severely mentally retarded young man made it to his classroom from the bus and then wait with him until his aide arrived. He came from a filthy home and was known for being infested on a regular basis. One day he was waiting at his desk and playing with something on the lid. I looked over to see what he had and what to my wondering eyes should appear but a whole bunch of little lice crabwalking around on top of his desk. THEY WERE FALLING OUT OF HIS HAIR.

    I’ve never recovered from that.

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