Sep 12

The world is full of so much sickening fail.

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Sick days always make me feel so friggin’ guilty.  I’m not accustomed to sitting on my ass and doing nothing – I’m all about the productivity, but sometimes when you’re feeling like fried ass, the only thing that sounds remotely restorative is sitting on your ass and doing nothing. I had such a dilemma on Monday when I woke up feeling incredibly weak and achy in every ounce of my body. Standing up to go to the bathroom made me feel like a woman of 71 and not 31. I get one paid sick day per quarter, and Monday was it.

But when I finally extracted my ass from bed at 7:30, I was wracked with guilt for needing to get so much more unpacking and organizing done, but lacking the energy to do it. The battle raging in my head was something like, “Should I wait until 9:00 for Barnes and Noble to open, get my book, and hide out in bed all day (because we still won’t have a couch until Thursday), or should I spend a few hours putting away the little piddly stuff still not unpacked, assemble and install my headboard, shower, and THEN go to Barnes and Noble and spend the rest of the day in bed?


Well, you ask, it depends on how you’re feeling. Smart question, reader. On a scale of 1-10, I was at about a 5.  I was a 4.7, if you will. That’s enough to get out of bed and walk around the house like a zombie, but not enough to go to work and deal with undergrads who would easily suck my life force down to a 2 in one conversation. In the end, I half compromised. I put the rest of our clothes away, took a shower, and went to Barnes and Noble, then Target to pick up a bath shelf (There’s a serious dearth of storage in our bathrooms. It’s truly tragic.) Sometime after watching a documentary on Netflix and shoveling some leftovers in my face, I assembled my heavy ass headboard and dragged it down the hall to my room where I had to wrestle with the even heavier platform bed to get it in place. Then I dragged all the empty boxes in the house out to the recycle dumpster. And then I felt like DEATH. So I retreated to bed with my book.


Also filed under encounters that drain my life force, I woke up this morning to find that I had no internet. Weird blinky on the modem, so I reset it. It came back on with all lights flashing go, and still no connection. Fine. I guess I’ll go to work. So I logged into live chat from the office to ask them what gives.

Maricelle:  May I have the phone number associated with your account, please?
Me:  *providing the number listed on the bill* Although that needs to be changed as well since we haven’t had that number in years.
Maricelle:  Thank you for the phone number, it works.
Maricelle:  May I have your home address, please?
Me:  *again providing her with the information*
Maricelle:  Thank you for providing your home address.
Maricelle:  I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused. Upon checking, there is currently a system maintenance in your area. As of this moment, we do not have an estimated time of repair. However, our technicians are working to resolve the issue as quickly as possible. We appreciate your patience while we work on this.
Maricelle:  I am sorry for the trouble.
Me:  Not a problem. I can work from the office for today.
Maricelle:  Great. Thank you for your patience.
Me:  However, I do need to update the phone number on file because it is no longer in service.
Maricelle:  It’s okay.
Maricelle:  Is there anything else that I can assist you with?
Me:  Yes, I need to update the phone number on the account.
Maricelle:  Thank you for being part of the Charter family. We are always looking forward in doing business with you. Please don’t hesitate to visit Charter Communications again. Have a great day!

Your session has ended. You may now close this window.
Me: Are you shitting me?
What. the. Fuck. I had to actually call and talk to someone before they’d change the damn phone number. My internet connection had better work when I get home, or brainless heads will roll.
Moving on to my actual job, We’ve officially started getting complaints about security deposits, but not nearly as many as I expected, based on last year. The few I’ve received though have been hilariously infuriating.
One tenant moved out without paying their last month’s rent and then refused to repaint their purple walls OR clean their apartment, so we did it and charged it against their already negative security deposit. (It’s against the law here to use your security deposit to pay rent.) Apparently, they weren’t happy at the prospect of owing us money and sent a letter to me specifically to dispute charges.
The charges to our account that we are disputing and refusing to pay are listed below:
6. Rent late fee: $62.50. You did not object to releasing our security deposit to pay last month’s rent, nor did she correspond about it. This is tacit acceptance of our proposal.
I propose you kiss my fat ass. Please see previous comments re: against the law.
8. Labor to repaint apartment: $577.50. Labor required for painting was not stipulated in the lease agreement, and as such is the landlord’s responsibility.
Bwahahaha!  Gotcha there, bitches! Or are you going to argue that you’re not the one who signed the agreement where we allowed you to paint on the condition that you would repaint or pay for the cost thereof?
I have already complained about this bill as well as your failure to provide heat for the first three months of our tenancy, per the lease agreement, with the department of consumer protection.
Um… you took possession in August of last year.  It was 90 friggin’ degrees until the first week of October. You actually complained about the heat until the owner gave you window air conditioners (which you were never charged for), and THEN you complained because we didn’t give you central air conditioning in a 100 year old building. Morons. I am SO looking forward to your court date because me, the court commissioner, and probably the stenographer are going to laugh you right out of the room.
Translation of the above correspondence: I am a shitty excuse for an adult with no regard for my contractual obligations or the property of others.


Yesterday, we received another dispute from a guy who didn’t actually live in the apartment for most of the year. I’m guessing his roommates didn’t tell him that they were not very responsible about paying rent on time. Most of the complaints were about late fees, of which they had one every month. In his words:


Firstly, it has only just come to my attention that our rent was not being paid in full for a majority of the lease. I have since reviewed the Non-Standard Rental Provisions which we signed and I understand that these deductions to the security deposit were correct;


Thank you for finally getting on the same page, 13 months later.


however, the fact that we were never informed of this discrepancy is unprofessional.


We mailed you a balance sheet every month showing your outstanding balance. It’s not my fault if your roommates hid it from you, and most landlords don’t give you a copy of your ledger unless you request it. After about 3 more paragraphs complaining about late fees, he ended with this:


I also find it ridiculous that a “quarter sized burn mark in carpet” constitutes a $50 charge because of the damage done to the carpet. In an apartment which is almost entirely carpeted, a burn mark the size of a coin seems like a minute issue, especially because it will not make your apartment more difficult to rent out in the future.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *breathe* ahahahahahahahahahahaha!


You’ve never talked to a girl in your life, have you? The first time I show that apartment with your burn mark, the first thing any girl is going to ask is “You’ll be replacing that, right?” (No, we will not. Get out of my building.) More to the point, did you or did you not create a burn mark in what was brand new carpet? And what the hell makes you think you aren’t responsible financially responsible for that damage? Be thankful we didn’t charge you to replace the carpet, asshat.


Translation of the above correspondence: I can’t be bothered to monitor the apartment for which I’m a responsible party, nor do I have to balls to talk to my roommates about how I’m keeping my whole deposit and they can split whatever is left. I, too, am a shitty excuse for an adult.


Honestly, if these emails and a bunch of complaints from girls about the occasional bug in the apartment and how they think they’re entitled to brand new carpet every year are the worst we have to look forward to, we’re doing pretty good. Even so, I’m going to do whatever I can to lease apartments exclusively to guys this year, because I’m ready to commit mass gendercide against the entire female sex.

In closing, I’d like to wish the following upon all of you 20-something dipshits whose idiot parents should have eaten you along with their placentas:


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  1. NATurally Inappropriate

    Lulz. I laughed about the painting.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Chick Chat: Foundation/Cover StickMy Profile

    1. admin

      As a matter of fact, I did too. And I’ll probably have to fight really hard to keep from laughing in court because someone who signs a form that says “I’ll repaint” and then says that there was never any indication that they needed to repaint deserves to be laughed at.
      Admin recently posted..The world is full of so much sickening fail.My Profile

  2. Misty

    I love how they are trying to come across as all professional and knowledgable, but just end up sounding like moronic asshats. And it’s in writing. Bonus! Have fun in court.
    Misty recently posted..Hide and SeekMy Profile

    1. admin

      Given that huge portions of the landlord-tenant laws changed back in March, I’ve read the entirety of Chapter 704 eight or nine dozen times while updating our contracts and forms. These guys don’t know was Chapter 704 is. You lose, schmucks. And you always will.
      Admin recently posted..The world is full of so much sickening fail.My Profile

  3. Valerie

    I can’t believe you have to deal with that crap. I really hope they all DO step on a leggo. I did that once back in ’87. Never recovered… Heel of my foot is made of titanium now. God damned tools of the devil.


    Valerie recently posted..Kenny’s Shorts vs Val’s Sunglasses: An Epic Battle of our TimesMy Profile

    1. admin

      I’d like for them to start choking on the bag of dicks and then while they’re gasping for air and flailing around, then I want them to step on a lego. Just to add insult to injury.

      If I believed in such a thing, I would be a magnificent, malevolent god.

  4. bluzdude

    Perhaps one day they’ll learn that using fancy language and formal sentence structure will not make a stupid argument any less stupid.
    bluzdude recently posted..Retail BluzMy Profile

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