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Nov 29

The savior was bore on the wings of flamingos.

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My living room looks a Christmas emporium projectile vomited. The intent was to decorate the tree on Sunday, but between Turkey hangover, Christmas shopping, and the inevitable fatigue that sets in whenever you get a haircut (anyone know why that is?) it didn’t happen. I’ll get there sometime, but right now, you can’t make me. So I went to Target tonight and bought more Christmas stuff to throw on the pile of xmas barf.

Picture this as my living room, only with half the space and the tree ornaments on every surface except the tree.

And on the subject of Target, I really need to stop going there after about 7 o’clock at night. The people who tend to congregate there are seven shades of bug fuck crazy. Example: As I was in the seasonal decor looking for some LED snowflake lights, an older woman and her husband came plodding through the aisle, her complaining about not being able to find a certain pattern of snowflake light and him smiling and nodding while making non-committal noises. He picked up a Darth Vader wise man and held it up to his wife, giggling with nerdy, joygasmic glee and she went from zero to Hose Beast in a nanosecond, screeching “You put that back right now! It is completely against everything this holiday stands for! It is disgusting and I won’t have it in my house!” He glumly complied, long faced and shoulders drooping, before turning around to become a victim of the most brutal aural rape.

“OH MYYYYY GAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWD! THEY’RE BEAUUUUUUTIFUUUUL!!!!”

And in her meaty sausage hands she was holding 5 boxes of multicolored LED Flamingo lights.

Majestic Christ Bearer they are not.

“But they’re flamingos, honey. They’re not very Christmasy.”
“Oh, hush! They’re gorgeous! And they’re God’s creatures so they’re as much a part as Christmas as the angels themselves!”

That’s right, folks. Darth Vader Magi is the damn antichrist, but fucking flamingos bore the Christ child on their majestic fluorescent wings. Dude that wanders around the cosmetics aisle in a purple singlet and a beat up flannel shirt is an upstanding citizen compared to that level of bug fuck crazy.

But on the subjects of majesty bearing gifts, the infamous Killer Cupcake, Dani, bestowed me with a most prestigious Versatile Blogger Award!

And unlike flamingoes, it's appropriate for all types of decor!

Dani is awesome and I don’t know that I’m possessed of an appropriate level of awesomeness to deserve such an award because the bitch out funnies me on her worst day. But being that she is my future self, it would behoove me to do what she says.

So apparently, I get to recognize a few more carriers of the versatility gene, so in no particular order, the award goes to:

Bri at BS & Cupcakes: Apparently, I have a thing for cupcakes. I’ve only been reading Bri’s blog for a few weeks, but I’ve not been disappointed so far. She has my same irreverent humor and I wish she would post more often.

Jaclyn at Nursery Rhymes and Curse Words: She’s got a very grounded world view, and despite some heart wrenching trials in her life, she’s still an upbeat and funny lady. And I wish she would post more often.

Heather at Desperate for Something: Never in my life have I ever laughed so hard at someone’s Tales of Thanksgiving from Redneck Tavern. I wish she would post more often.

Natalie at Three Remain: I know I’m robbing myself of a closing statement, but she needs to post more often. Natalie has this beautiful way of spinning the world into an endearing and whimsical place, which is no small feat when you hate the world as much as I do most days. The world needs more of her outlook and that’s why she needs to POST MORE OFTEN.

Amanda at IonaScribe: Amanda has one of the few blogs in the universe that I follow and read with rapt attention, but never comment on. She is super smart, incredibly artistic, and describes the world in such a way that seems to impart an immediate peace unto it. I enjoy the calm I glean from reading her blog, and like every last person on this list, she really should post more often.

So in addition to all the information about me that is all over the internet, I get to share a few things about myself that you don’t already know.

1. I have played violin for 20 years. I started when I was 10 and hated it, but once I could read music and hear my progress I really grew to love it. I’d love to learn how to play guitar, but I’ve been met with some opposition from my husband. I think he just wants me to avoid turning into an unshowered hipster douche.

2. I am the oldest of three kids and am both blessed and burdened with a brother and sister, depending on the day. In their own special ways, they are every bit as irreverent and twisted as I am.

3. Despite my intense dislike for most of the human race, I still harbor a truly baffling desire to someday run a bed and breakfast. Just…don’t overthink that one too much.

4. I love to cook, but I would never consider culinary school, even if my tuition were paid. Some twisted recess of my brain believes that a formal education in cooking would kill my desire to ever do it again.

5. I have every intention of writing a book and I even have a few chapters written. The only thing missing is an opportune time to quit my day job and get paid for sitting at my laptop 8-10 hours a day for a year or so.

And that’s it for me tonight, kids! The pillow beckons and I am powerless to resist…

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