Feb 12

Fuck Kale.

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I’m not going to apologize for the extended hiatus. Life happens, quickly, and before you know it you’re 2 jobs and 3 years removed from where you were the last time you documented it. I had an unexpected change in employment late last year, took 2 months off, and am now working 2 jobs for slightly less money (and considerably less free time) yet I’m happier. Funny how that works out…

But just because I’m more content with life doesn’t mean I have nothing to rant about.

One of my jobs revolves around food. Specifically cooking classes. I’ve picked up a few tips and tricks for my own use, and I’ve picked up on a few irritating trends that need to die.

Travesty #1 – Kale

Kale is gross. It’s bitter and rough and the health benefits you may receive from it are completely negated by the fat and salt you are forced to drown it in to make it edible. As one of my favorite chef instructors likes to say, tongue in cheek, “as white people we have a genetic predisposition to eating kale, whether or not we actually enjoy it.” Everyone I’ve ever talked to does not enjoy it. They eat it out of a sense of obligation, to their health, not because it tastes awesome braised in unicorn tears and spritzed with balsamic vinegar. Seriously, stop trying to put it in all my fucking food.


Travesty #2 – Coconut oil

Fuck coconut oil. People are touting this as some miracle elixir, eating it straight from the jar, cooking everything with or in it, and feeding it to their damn pets. Seriously? It has literally more saturated fat than butter, bacon grease, and LARD. Who cares if it’s plant based? Arteries dangerously clogged? Oh, it’s just coconut oil. No big deal – we’ll reschedule your myocardial infarction on lard day.

And no, I won’t massage you with it. Leave me out of your food fetish fantasy, weirdo.

Travesty #3 – Essential Oil

Yes, I periodically use essential oils in my massage practice. They’re comforting to the clients and less flammable than a candle (which the fire department LOVES). But no, I’m not “prescribing” you a regimen of essential oils for your various and sundry disorders. I’m not a doctor, and those effects are psychosomatic at best. Ylang ylang doesn’t cure ringworm, and eucalyptus doesn’t miraculously cure COPD or asthma. If you’re the kind of person who recovered from a chronic disease or illness through the use of essential oils, chances are high you received your diagnosis from a cracker jack box. Or Dr. Oz. Kind of the same thing, really.


Some people will believe anything as long as it’s preceded by “studies show…” without reading any further than the abstract. It could have been written by a poo-flinging lab monkey for all the average reader knows, but if it gets published by some well known health blogger or low-rent health journal that’s all the more independent verification people need to glom onto it like the gospel according to Whole Foods. Want a great example of this? A research group did a study on gluten sensitivity and found that it was a thing, and suddenly everyone was “gluten sensitive.” The same researchers repeated that study 11 years later and said, “Wait, our bad – it’s not a thing after all!” That’s why coffee/eggs/beer/wine/soy is good for you today, but bad for you tomorrow, until 3 cups a day is the new standard for superhero healing powers.


I know there’s this trend toward becoming a healthier society, and some natural approaches are very likely to be preferable to the pharmaceutical bandaid that’s become so prevalent. But let’s get real for a minute – crunchy is not a movement. It is an adjective or onomatopoeia used to describe inanimate objects like leaves, cinnamon toast flavored cereals, and your brain under the effects of too much sun and fermented fruit juice. Instead, a sizeable portion of the population has taken to using it to describe their quasi-hippie approach to domestic issues, and they are truly awful.

I know it’s supposed to be hip or trendy or cute or whatever goddamnawful thing that means you don’t have to formulate and define your own personality or values or approach to living, but if smart is the new sexy, people need to put on some mental makeup. I have nothing against people who want to do clean/whole/holistic living thing. Most of us could probably stand to get back to basics in a few aspects of our lives. What I do have a problem with are those people who have no qualms about approaching you in the grocery store to lecture you about the toxicity of your bleach and the inorganic produce you’re purchasing. I have a problem with the people who are advising me that I don’t really need medical attention – I’ve just been conditioned to think I do and there are sooooo many great, natural ways to heal myself. I have a problem – and absolutely no tolerance whatsoever – for people who go and denounce the lifestyles of anyone who won’t conform to the “crunchy” way of life, and then turn and cry foul at anyone who does the same thing to them. It makes me want to tap dance on their windpipes until I come to appreciate the “crunch” that only comes from hearing their hyoid snap under my boot heel.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with a bag of pork rinds and a bottle of wine.

1 comment

  1. Nat

    Dude. Please link me another article that tells me how coconut oil is the miracle cure for everything. I want to punch my friends in the face sometimes. Some are way more annoying than others– but I’ve got a few that are the worst pontificating fucks you have ever seen. Ugh.

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