Apr 13

WTF Friday: That awkward moment when fat fingers almost result in pregnancy.

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Fair warning for the boys – there’s some girl stuff here. Cover your ears.

I’d mentioned a few months ago how I got a new doctor and we went about doing my life story before moving on to my annual wellness exams.

Without going into too much detail, it basically became a fact finding mission to rule out sterility. Obviously, such a thing could be a problem later if we ever want crotchlings. After a battery of hormone panels, a few vials of blood and pregnancy tests (why on earth would I have to subject to four of those in a two month period?) the verdict is in – I’m defective, but I’m not. I just don’t follow a set schedule like normal women, and I don’t need no precautionary birth control methods. Which is awesome because all possible methods are irritating as fuck.
Ultimately, he said that it’s nothing to worry about, but every 3-4 months I’m supposed to take super-birth control for a week. Then, if we do ever have an interest in crotch spawning, there’s another pill he can prescribe to force my ovaries to punch out an egg or 5. Obvious side effects: the potential for multiple births. I could spawn an army, people. Be afraid. Very, very afraid.

I want mine with laser beams.

However, I am NOT about the kids right now…
…so all he was supposed to call in was pill #1. Apparently he fat-fingered the codes and called in the instant vagina army super pack instead. Imagine my surprise and confusion when I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription and the pharmacist pulled me aside to go over a long list of instructions including regimented sexy time and my brain was swimming back and forth like a gold fish following a tennis match, and all I could do was stand there going uhhhh…..hrm. I don’t think this is right. And a call to the doctor’s office confirmed that, “whoopsie! Our bad.” I mean, I know you’re an obstetrics/gynecology practice, but that’s not the most ethical way to drum up business.
If I were a dumber pretty girl, I’d probably be knocked up right now. You’re welcome, world.


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  1. Misty

    Lotsa baby talk around these parts, missy. Hmmm?

    I wonder if you had gotten knocked up from that pill, based on the doctor’s negligence and malfeasance, if you could get him/her to pay child support? I mean, it was the doc’s mistake that would get you preggers, so I think you could have a case. Just in case you wanna make a little extra cash is all.
    Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Beep Beep Vroom VroomMy Profile

    1. admin

      You’re the legal beagle, so maybe you could make that case in court, but retainers would eat up most of that extra cash, methinks.

  2. NATurally Inappropriate

    I think, had I gotten knocked up due to their fuck up, I woulda sued the FUCK out of those bitches.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Messes. Names withheld to protect the innocent– and not so innocent.My Profile

    1. admin

      The thought had occurred to me as well…

  3. Jana

    Holy Shit…..a Mandi army….the world wouldn’t survive!
    Jana recently posted..Loooooooosssseee BowelsMy Profile

    1. admin

      Mandi wouldn’t survive.

  4. Heather Rose

    Hmm… I’m thinking the doc was trying to tell you something. Bring on the crying/screaming/house-destroying blog fodder!
    Heather Rose recently posted..Day = madeMy Profile

    1. admin

      True story, I think that fodder would actually come from my husband as a result of being driven mad by an irrational child and frazzled wife.

  5. Eleanor

    Holy crap. I have a friend who works as a pharmacist assistant, and she was telling me the other day the frequency of things like that happening. Usually it isn’t the doctor themselves, but the overworked nurse they put in charge of calling it in.

    1. admin

      I’ve actually been given the wrong prescription before. Correct bottle, name, etc., but full of the wrong pills. They were beta blockers or something.

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