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Mar 01

Random facts about me…now where’s my medal?

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I was supposed to do this yesterday, but I was actually pretty busy at work. I got a Liebster award on Monday from Jana at Shut the Front Door. Jana has been on my must read list ever since Charity linked to a post Jana made about dry humping her friend in front of an innocent taco chef. With stories like that, how were were NOT intended to be friends?

In the tradition of Liebster awards, once I’ve paid homage to the giver, I’m supposed to pass the honor on to 5 other bloggers whom I find awesome. Unfortunately, everyone I read pretty regularly got a Liebster and we’ve all spent this week gratuitously whoring out our blogs to such an extent that our readers sort of gloss over at the mere mention of the word Liebster. I like getting awards, but said award doesn’t come with a shiny medal.

Yep.That about fits the bill.

 

While I am honored that Jana finds me awesome enough to not only read and comment regularly, but to link to me, I feel that I owe everyone a real post. So as a thank you to everyone who reads regularly, and a huge thank you to the people who actually take the time to engage me in the comments (truly, that’s one of my favorite parts of any post), I give you:

 

Random (and mildy twisted) facts about me

I have an unfortunate cluster of freckles on my neck that resembles a fading hickey. I always rather thought it was a birthmark because it’s been there as long as I can remember, but my mother has been assuring me since the very first day she accused me of unsavory, whore-like activities that I was not, in fact, born with it.

I swear, I'm not a whore.

 

For as much as I love wine, I hate Chardonnay. If you find a bottle of it in my fridge, chances are that it’s a few months old and only used for cooking.

 

Everyone has that one problem area that seems to be the last one to shed the pounds. On me, it’s my massive rack. Not only is it always the last to trim down, but they actually get bigger when I first start losing weight. This might sound like a happy side effect for some people, but it is a legitimate fear anytime I cough, sneeze or arch my back that the levy will break and dozens will suffer horrible disfigurement from my exploding bra straps.

Millions will die in this blast.

 

I’m allergic to bananas. Hives and/or suffocation style allergic. Thankfully, I can smell them from 10 paces, so as long as I’m not congested, I seem to have a built in defense mechanism.

 

In addition to my day job as a super hero caliber warrior against the (should be) criminally stupid/property manager, I’m also a massage therapist and I specialize in deep tissue and active release techniques. I even have my own hot stone kit. So basically, I specialize in some of the most expensive massage modalities and folks, I do not mind telling you – I am worth Every Penny.

This is one elbow drop you'll be happy you paid for.

 

Random facts about me as relayed by my friends/family:

My favorite person with whom to attend concerts, Steve: Your taste in music borders somewhere between autistic child and downs baby.
He’s mostly kidding. I think.

 

My high school friend, James: “You’re a pervert and I’ve always loved that about you.”
When informed that I’d be posting that on my blog, he suddenly became interested and made his first trip down the perverted rabbit hole. And of course, it was on the day that I posted a bunch of sex toys, which gives a whole new meaning to “trip down the perverted rabbit hole.”

Dirty, dirty little rabbit hole.

 

My friend Jason: You are great at trolling people on facebook.
It’s true. I really am.

 

My college friend, Jon: Remember that one time we all went camping and you thought it would be fun to strap a weird Punk Rock Barbie doll we found to a fistful of bottle rockets? Remember how she exploded into 7 pieces and her head melted into a bubbling pile of poisonous gassy goo? Didn’t you barbeque a Barbie once? What’s with your fiery hate against Barbie?

The only good barbie is a barbie en flambe.

These guys know what I'm talking about...

 

My mom: When you were little and I’d make you girls lay down with me to take a nap, you used to rub my back and stroke my hair until I fell asleep and then you’d go watch cartoons or play.
Apparently, I’ve been a great massage therapist from an early age.

 

My friend Jenn: You’re the only person I know that sends hand made gifts in the mail for no reason whatsoever.

 

And my friend, Liz: Your blog makes me laugh so hard that I need my inhaler every time I read it.

 

Anyone else have a random (embarrassing) fact about themselves that they’d like to share (confess)?

 

12 comments

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  1. Dani

    I’m shocked, shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you… SHOCKED that someone would accuse you of being a pervert!!!!!!!

    Also? I’m way jealous of your horse’s ass award.

    Love you long time!!

    1. admin

      What can I say? It’s like he just gets me.

  2. Jana

    OMG…..I fucking LOVE hot stone massages. They are the absolute best!!

    Also, I feel for your Barbie, I have indeed experimented with the barbies and put several in my microwave to see if they would turn tan. It turns out they just melted into crazy versions of the Indiana Jones Lost Ark melty people. My mom was a little worried for a bit that I might be a serial killer. But when all the small animals around us survived, she was happy again.

    1. admin

      Hot stone massages are basically one of the only full body massages you can give yourself, and I still never set myself up on the table.

      I don’t think my mom ever had concerns that I was a budding serial killer. I had a perfectly acceptable relationship with My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite, and GI Joe. It was just that Barbie bitch I couldn’t stand.

  3. Mayor Gia

    Ohhh i want a massage! Discount for your readers?!? And equal parts “wtf” and “hahahahha” to that last picture…
    Mayor Gia recently posted..This Post is Short Because I’m Poor and it’s SadMy Profile

    1. admin

      The entire asshole Jesus meme is pretty spectacular.

      I do offer a friends and family discount on massage services, but you have to come to Wisconsin to get it and right now we’re blizzarding and I’m sick.

  4. Britt

    True story: I have a birthmark on the side of my neck that’s purpleish/pink and it’s about the size of a quarter and it most definitely looks like a hickey.
    My entire life I’ve resembled a slutty little skank. People have even yelled at me from cars and/or on the street to point this out.

    Also, trolls are my favourite.
    Britt recently posted..Eat That Beaver!My Profile

    1. admin

      It’s like we were branded to be whores… and judged for it.

  5. thoughtsappear

    Love that pic of the trolls roasting the Barbie! Congrats on the award!
    thoughtsappear recently posted..Assault With a Deadly SlushieMy Profile

    1. admin

      Thank you! When I finally rolled out of bed this morning, it made me want to tap dance, skip up and down the hall giggling like a 6 year old, and then run 10 miles.

      But I’m still sick, so I’ll settle for a cup of tea and a quiet, reserved “Eeeeeeexcellent.”

  6. Charity

    WTF happened in this thread? I don’t even know.

    1. admin

      You’re right. It’s not nearly as degenerate as some of the others. Someone’s been classin’ up the joint or something.

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