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Oct 01

The Peanut Gallery is Closed for Much Needed Renovations

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I have a metric assload of stuff to do today and I’m still a little frazzled from accidentally shutting off the alarm this morning and then waking up at 7:00, so today’s rapier wit comes to you as snippets of conversation with my friends and husband.

 

 

Ken: What do you call those black birds with the red wings?
Me: … Red winged black birds.

 

 

 

Me: I want to rip the head off a cow and use its head as a helmet while I feast on its slightly charred flesh. This. This is bloodlust at its finest.
Mom: Are you my child?!?
Me: If by this you mean are you somehow genetically responsible for my overwhelming and insatiable anemia? To this I have to respond with an unmistakable, emphatic, and resounding…maybe.

 

To my friend Steve at a concert:
My gum is stale and tasteless. Like this bitch next to me whose hair I’m going to spit it in if she doesn’t shut up.

 

Ken: I’m trying to be all romantic, because I love you and shit.
Jason: That sounds like a line from a show on the Insane Clown Network.
Me: Did you just call Ken a Juggalo?
Jason: If the clown paint fits…
Me: I don’t know if he even knows who ICP is…
Sis in Law: I know all about ICP.
Me: Then we, as your family, have failed you. I am so sorry.

 

Me: Wow. I’m just finding out that Atreyu covered You Give Love a Bad Name, and I’m still not amused.
A different Jason: I can’t believe you gave me shit about The Smashing Pumpkins and you listen to horrible bands like Atreyu.
Me: There’s a difference between listening to something because it comes on the radio and listening to something because you want to have Billy Corgan’s gay, awkward love child.
Different Jason: I find the man talented. I wouldn’t have his love child. If I were to go gay, it would be for Gavin Rossdale. That’s a hunk of man right there.

 

This picture has nothing to do with anything, but the rest of this post is full of fail, so here you go.

 

My friend Michael, describing me and two of his other female friends:
“When you use words, not one of you is a decent, sane person.”

 

Me, on the joys of a 10 year old vehicle:
For as much as I just spent on service for this car, this car should be servicing me.

 

Talking to my brother on the phone:
Brother: Did you guys get your Christmas presents?
Me: No…?
Brother: Well that’s bullshit. I mailed them out 3 weeks ago. I’ll track them when I get home.
Me: You should do that. If there’s presents out there, I want them.
Brother:  Well, looks like they’re going to be a tad late.
Me: Ya think? At this rate, you’ll be in time for our birthdays.
Brother: Well then, happy birthday!
Me: This does not absolve you of getting me a birthday present, just so you know.

**Still no Christmas presents. The gifts are a lie.

 

After I found an egg with a double yolk while making breakfast on Easter:
Me: It kind of looks like they never finished dividing.
Ken: Conjoined Twins!
Me: Only one tried to consume the other.
Ken, to the cat: Look, Mowgli! It’s an Easter miracle!

 

 

Discussing my disdain for facial hair on my husband:
Ken: It’s a good thing I’m not a Muslim.
Me: That goes doubly for me, since I’m pretty sure I’d get stoned. And not in that fun, psychotropic way.

 

Referring to a closed door meeting between my boss and our possibly-not-quitting maintenance tech:
Me: I’ve heard the F-bomb twice, “bullshit” countless times, and they’re yelling after only 5 minutes. Should I be expecting some slams?
Coworker: What would they be slamming?
Me: Heads in desk drawers? That’s how I’d play it…

 

Making clear my dissatisfaction at having to go to the library:
Ken: You don’t have to come inside; you can stay in the car. I’ll crack the window like you’re a border collie.

Best of luck with the coming week, people.

6 comments

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  1. NATurally Inappropriate

    BTW- border collies are annoying. Lulz.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..King KunterMy Profile

    1. admin

      I loved our Border Collie as a kid, but she was a little over-exuberant.

  2. Misty

    My head is in a fog from the sickies, so this all made perfect sense to me. Is that wrong?
    Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: YOU Strike Again!My Profile

    1. admin

      I’m glad it made sense to someone. Clearly I need to be hopped up on OTC cold medicine all the time to help me better communicate with my peeps.

  3. Valerie

    HAHAHA!!! The ol’ “your presents are in the mail” gag! Works every time!! Also good? “I forgot your present at home because I was rushing so I wouldn’t be late to your party. I’ll mail it to you..”

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    Valerie recently posted..Winning rhymes with WINNING!!!My Profile

  4. NATurally Inappropriate

    I JUST now saw the penis picture. Bwahaha.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..King KunterMy Profile

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