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May 29

Peace (and quiet) is a lie.

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I made an awesome dinner last night for the first time in a few weeks. We haven’t been eating out, mind you, we’re just doing a lot of leftovers and simple meal fixes. So as I was cooking up something tasty with lots of wine and cream, Ken came into the kitchen and told me that it looks like I’m losing weight. Not that he needed to loosen me up with flattery – I’ll gladly do the wifely nasty with him.
“Seriously though, it looks like you’re slimming down.”
“It’s because I don’t eat much lately.”
“Too hot?”
“No, I just don’t cook when we play the game. Starve Wars, FTW.”

So I was reheating my awesome pasta leftovers for lunch and tried to take a bite while I was walking back to my desk. And promptly dropped a chunk of molten sun dried tomato in my cleavage. So much hurt and fail. I also have issues with losing cheerios, strands of hair, and most recently, my headset microphone in there. I tried to say something while running a flashpoint with my guild, but had to repeat myself because no one heard me, followed by “Sorry about that. Mic got lost in the black hole of my cleavage.” Then an anonymous voice – “Great, now if it happens again, I’ll be thinking about that instead.” Apparently, my cleavage is a black hole for small objects AND concentration.

I apologize for our diminished raid mechanics from here on out. Here’s a titty-kitty by way of apology.

The long weekend was lovely, if not too short. It was also hot and windy and rainy, and thundery, and humid all the in same 72 hour period. We broke a record for heat on Sunday, which prompted us to install our window AC yesterday. And of course, prompted my tenants to install theirs. Except that they can’t. Physically incapable. Can’t locate a simple light switch, let alone handle basic maintenance or repairs.

It is a bygone conclusion for me at this point that a long weekend of peace and quiet begets a clusterfuck of epic stupidity come the next workday. Today is no different. BEHOLD! A snippet of my morning! –

“My refrigerator light quit working. Can someone come fix it?”
“Do you mean the one that comes on when you open the door? Have you tried replacing the bulb?”
” There’s a bulb? Where would I go to get a new one?”
*headdesk, headdesk, headdesk*

You were dim 20 IQ points ago.

“I think there’s a problem with our electricity. Half the power in the house is out and one of our dads told us to check the fuse breakers? But we don’t have fuse breakers.”
“Well, you don’t have fuses, but everyone has circuit breakers. Yours are behind the panel next to the basement stairs. All the switches in the panel should be facing the same direction, but one of them probably tripped. If you can’t tell which one tripped, turn them all off and then back on.”
“Won’t that electrocute me?”
*facepalm, facepalm, facepalm*

I wish, honey. How I do SO wish...

“When I turn on our light switch in the living room, the ceiling fan spins really slow.”
“You’ll have to pull the chain on the fan itself to switch it to high.”
“Wow! Neat!”
*sobbing*
Coworker, having overheard that hot mess: “Did you really just have to explain to someone how to operate a ceiling fan?”

And the piece de resistance from this afternoon:

“We tried to put an airconditioner in our livingroom window and it fell out. It also took the window with it, and I think it cracked our downstairs neighbors’ window. It’s on the ground and smashed beyond repair, and I’d like to know what you’re going to do to make up for it.”
“For starters, this is why you’re supposed to have renters insurance, because we will absolutely not be paying for an air conditioner that broke in the course of your unskilled installation. And while we’re on the subject, I hope your renters insurance is paid up, because you’re also going to owe for every broken window between your apartment and the ground floor, the replacement for your window frame itself, and clean up or disposal of the air conditioner if it’s still on the ground when I get there.” Then I hung up before they could argue. The AC made a lovely crater in the concrete and took out 2 of 3 windows underneath them. And they do not have renters insurance, which is why security deposits are equal to one month’s rent.

If it weren’t for this short week, I’d be in dire need of short bus by the end of this week because these kids are killing off braincells at an alarming rate.

 

8 comments

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  1. Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes)

    I have found cheerios, good n plentys, random denominations of coins, and midgets down my cleavage, but never a kitty. I’ma lil jealous.

    I’m supa happy you got your blog up and running but my offer still stands iffen you ever want to do a guest blog ala Facebooking From The Edge!!

    //madlove

    1. admin

      I couldn’t remember if it was supposed to be this past Friday, or this coming Friday, so I just said, “Eh, this Friday gives me more time to write something that doesn’t reek of misanthropy… Too much.”

  2. Misty

    Woo-hoo! New blog. Yay!!

    Don’t worry. The dumb toddlers will be gone soon. You’ll get a break at summertime.

    Oh, and I use mine as a shelf to catch all the food I drop. Works out quite well.

    1. admin

      The problem is that I can only take vacation in June and July. After that, company policy adamantly refuses to grant vacation in August/September because that’s when the next batch of twatbadgers moves in.

      Except that I can’t take vacation while I still have 10 unleased units.

  3. Valerie

    I really do believe that some hold all their stupidity in for the correct moment to throw it upon us undeserving people.

    But OH HOW I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN THEM FUCK UP THE INSTALLATION OF THAT AIR CONDITIONER!!!!

    … with a bucket of popcorn. Extra butter.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    1. admin

      Part of me wished that they hadn’t disposed of the unit before I got there, just so I could take photos. Unfortunately, the crater in the asphalt wasn’t too photogenic.

  4. Naturally Inappropriate

    Mandi, my dear…you need a new job, stat. You are liable to kill someone at your current place.

    1. admin

      Nuh uh! I just got a case of wine, remember?

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