Are you lost, confused, irritated or frustrated lately? Do you spend your days trying desperately to hide a dark secret? Have you noticed a recent surge in messages from people wanting to help you out with your LIMP BONER?
No? Just me, huh? Well, shit. I must have a problem then, because if my email inbox is to be believed,
I am a sexually deviant tranny with erectile dysfunction.
I mean, I was bestowed with honorary testicles some years back in order to be initiated to hang with the guys, but there was no permanent surgery there. I know my way around my own private parts and I am 99.999999999999999999% certain that there is nothing permanently affixed in that region that could be a penis. But I have to wonder if someone knows something that I don’t because when I purged my trash folder this morning, I deleted 3,257 messages, most of them looking like that screen capture up there.
Just when I start thinking to myself that 3000 totally legitimate internet pharmacists can’t possibly be wrong, I remember that it’s impossible to have a “limp boner.” Either you’ve got a boner or you don’t. And then I put my credit card away and close that window.
Filed under news of the weird, I have some non-student dick tenants for a change, only it’s really hard to tell the difference because they’re still acting like 15 year-olds, raging on an overload of pubescent angst. I’ve been trying to show their house for 2 months now because they’ve been hemming and hawing over signing their renewal, and it’s a lovely house – huge house, lakefront property, private dock, unobstructed view of the downtown skyline – or it would be a lovely house, except that it constantly smells like dirty diapers and bad sauerkraut. I’ve never seen the dishes clean, and the 2 year old girl has more toys all over every surface of that house than I had in my entire childhood. It’s also wallpapered in some hunter green and floral atrocity reminiscent of the early nineties with plush carpet to match.
I wouldn’t blame them for not renewing, but they won’t give us a yes or no answer on that, and they’re assholes to me and prospective tenants every time I’m there to show it. It’s sort of tucked away, so I had maintenance drive out to erect a for lease sign next to the road where we get a lot of turn around traffic. My maintenance tech went over to install the sign the next day. No sooner did he get it in the ground and got in his van to leave, than the tenant stormed out of the house, ripped it out of the ground, and threw it. My boss is being WAY too lenient with them in my opinion because I’d have put the fear of their orthodox Catholic god into them the first time they told me that they didn’t want anyone showing the house, but he’s got the kid gloves on trying to make them feel warm and fuzzy. Still, they’re pissed because they can’t get a two month lease extension while they think about it for 2 more months and they will probably disappear in the middle of the night, sticking us with a rental reeking of spoiled Ukranian food and dirty carpet that no one will want to rent. Because honestly – who moves into a lakefront house after the time to enjoy the lake has passed?
And finally, my husband linked me last week to an article in the local newspaper about how some guy signed in as a guest at the front desk of my former employer and then went around the building letting himself into random doors. At one point, he crawled in bed with some girl who was sleeping and groped her before she flipped her shit and told him to get out. A bunch more people said they had things missing. And I am almost positive that I know the moron who let him in because as long as no one interrupts his Netflix, it’s all good. I can’t wait to hear how much they have to pay out in the lawsuit.
I know I’ve been a little sparse with posting lately, but now that I’m finished with the hell that is baby shower crafting, I’ll see what I can do about being more entertaining. Meanwhile, feel free to submit topics for me to rant about. I can feel some anger and frustration simmering in my depths.
No, wait – that’s just an erection.