Jun 02

Old Navy, you’re a crusty skank.

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I’d spend a paragraph apologizing profusely for my lack of posts in the past many months, but many of you understand all too well (and some of you beat me to the punch), so I’ll just say Hello. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed blogging. Even though work has been ridiculously busy, I still find myself writing little snippets that get saved as drafts and never posted.

Truth be told, I find myself needing that outlet more and more lately. Working in an honest to god corporate environment, I just can’t get away with saying certain things (though it has snuck out on occasion, much to the chagrin of the person on the receiving end) but it isn’t exactly as though the snarky bitch can make over her personality, now is it? For example, I had the following conversation with someone today wherein I hinted that they might possibly be a chronic masturbater:

“Oh yeah? Well I have a kid that says otherwise. What’s your excuse?”
“No, congratulations on your fuck trophy, definitely. Meanwhile, I have a pristine vagina and disposable income. What else ya got for me?”

And I try so hard to be a good girl…

But onto the really important topic: what’s pissing me off today? Actually, it pissed me off yesterday, but I was still irritated this morning, so it still counts. With it being immediately summer, and me losing weight and being okay with wearing things that might show off my thighs, I decided I need shorts. However, I don’t want to spend a ton of money because I’m still losing weight. So I decided to go to Old Navy for some cheap clothes that I don’t care if I ruin inside of 3 months.


As I attempted to avoid the collective gaze of their super creepy, soul eating modelquins…

After an hour in that store, I wanted to punch the store founder in their proverbial syphilitic cooch. I left that store with 7 cami tops in different colors, 2 sun dresses, 2 clearance t-shirts, and none of the shorts I went in to get. It wasn’t for a lack of trying – I saw shorts, and it kept reminding me that I need to buy shorts, but they’re all three and a half inches long! I’m fine with baring a little thigh, but no one wants to see my ass cheeks and I’d like for my piercing to remain theoretical in the eyes of the public, rather than placing it on full display. The 2 pairs that I found in an acceptable style and length were PINK or size TWO.

But enough about their awful selection and creepy mannequins – would someone please, pretty PLEASE, tell me why it is that the shorts that I see on the mannequin are not located on the same display that the vacant, creepy bitch is standing on? They’re not even in the same quadrant of the damn store! Oh, no! I have to go find and interrupt the token gay man that every Old Navy store employs while he’s snorting a line of coke in the only available dressing room and ask him where they hide their stock. This is inevitably followed by him chewing on his own pinched little face in an infuriatingly condescending manner while he says to me, “How could you possibly be so oblivious to the fact that we keep them in the back of the store next to the bin of butt plugs that we so cleverly disguise as key rings?”

Old Navy, I want to shit in your heart.


  1. Sam

    Oh dear lord, I’m laughing so hard I pee’d. Full two drops at the least. Wish I’d have known about your blog before now. And, as a side note, please, for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, take a can of kerosene and a lit match to those mannequins. Seriously those will haunt my dreams.

  2. admin

    To be fair, I haven’t actually blogged in about six months, so even if you had known, it would have been very boring reading. It’s also pretty damn hard to churn out new content three times a week, so I think I’m going to cut back to twice a week.
    admin recently posted..Old Navy, you’re a crusty skank.My Profile

  3. Beth

    Oh my god I missed you. You were gone, one of my other favorite funny blogs got all Women’s Rights on me, and all I’m left with is Mommy Blogs……which are funny, as I have children, but sometimes you need funny that isn’t about baby shit and kids making a mess. Thanks for posting!!

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