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Mar 28

My carrot has a vagina and other pet peeves.

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As I was eating lunch the other day, I found a few carrots behaving badly. And I ate them anyway. I hate misshapen vegetables. It’s bad enough that eating vegetables already feels like a chore, but now they’re being perverts? Ew. That is definitely a pet peeve I didn’t realize I had until now, when I have too much time on my hands to sit and think about it.

    

Then there are the more obvious pet peeves that have decided to plague me all at once this week. In no particular order, the following people qualify for immediate immolation:

 

We don't need no water, let those motherfuckers burn!

TLC
Between litters of crotchlings spawned of the same clownhole, little people and their quest to raise crotchlings, crotchlings in pageants, pathological slobs, and cheap bastards, this has become the most worthless cable channel on television. Learning channel my ass. Die in a mother fucking fire. This channel caters less to learning and more to learning disabilities, not to mention the fact that it spawns the next kind of assholes…

 

Oh, how I wish I could take credit for this masterpiece. Call me, dude. I want to buy you a drink.

Extreme Couponers
Half the assholes using coupons don’t do it for the savings; they do it for the thrill. This begs the question – what kind of sorry ass life are you living if you’re getting off on getting $500 worth of groceries for 26 cents? Fuck right the hell off. I’m tired of getting stuck in line behind you twats. I hereby declare that anyone with more than 3 coupons be relegated to one specific checkout line that will only be open at non-peak shopping times.

 

Musical Elitism
We are a wide and varied group of individuals on this earth. We are predisposed to a variety of hobbies and interests, including different genres of music. Just because you dislike a particular artist or genre of music does mean that I give a shit about hearing your opinion on it.

I don’t care who was a better group before they became mainstream. I don’t care if you find pop music lacking in substance. I don’t care if you only like bands that play between the hours of 2:36 and 4:31 am on a full blue moon. Rap and hip-hop makes my soul try to claw its way out of my ears, but my husband still clogs half the seek alerts on my satellite radio with it. I may have dragged him to a Nickelback concert. You people listen to what I consider pop music atrocities on par with war crimes. Likewise, the music I listen to either puts you to sleep or causes spontaneous hemorrhaging from the ears. It’s okay. MUSIC IS SUBJECTIVE. You can like it or dislike it; just shut the fuck up about it.

 

Sexist men in the service trades
I spent an unholy amount of time this morning trying to get quotes for a new boiler system at one of our properties. Out of 6 companies, all of them had a woman answer the phone and proclaim, “I don’t know anything about that stuff. Let me send you to so-and-so.” Five out of the six men to whom I was transferred shaved several minutes off my already limited patience by talking down to me and assuming I didn’t know my ass from a manhole cover.  Take a long walk off a short pier into a lake of fire, Skippy. I’ve only overseen the coordination of this kind of work 2 dozen times in the last 2 years, and every word you speak in a condescending tone brings me one step closer to ripping your sack off like a paper towel and feeding it to you.

This shirt will also come in handy with parents at move in.

Craigslist Patrons
Don’t get me wrong – I love Craigslist. It’s a fantastic advertising tool for business, it’s a great place to look for housing or a roommate, and I’ve scored some sweet deals on new furniture/restoration projects as well as selling some of my gently used stuff. As the years go on though, Craigslist posters become seriously deluded assholes. I’m a little tired of browsing the for sale ads only to find that people are posting absolute shit and asking top dollar for it. My boss had me post an ad for an old receptionist desk he pulled out of a purchased property that was covered in formica and purple carpet.

Why, yes, that IS purple chenille pile.

Did I mention that he’s asking $150 for it? I must profess, I am shocked – absolutely SHOCKED I tell you- that we’ve had no takers. Even the kids in BiC Chat were perplexed indignant incredulous.

I concur - Prince IS too classy for this desk.

Sorry, boss man, there’s only so much turd polishing I can do before I’m covered in excrement and lies. The same goes for you, Johnny Dickbrain. No one is going to spend $200 on an entertainment center that won’t even hold a 32” flat screen TV, even if it is solid oak and you bought it for $500 10 years ago. Convert that shit into a bar, give it a new coat of varnish and then list it – I guarantee that some alcoholic college twat will spend their rent money to acquire that bad boy.

$200? Not even if it satisfied me orally.

 

Helicopter Parents
These assholes should be convicted of child abuse or neglect. You spend so much time involving yourself in your kid’s business that you’ve left him completely baffled by the real world, and lacking in any of the skills necessary to function in it. You come to their apartment showings. You question every item of their lease agreements and try to bully me into changing the things that you don’t like. You call their professors when little Jimmy gets a bad grade because he spent all night dipping his wick in strange poon instead of studying. You call his employer when he gets fired for missing too much work because he called in with a hangover 12 out of 15 workdays last month. I’ve even heard from hiring managers that people’s parents call to talk up their kid for jobs. I’ve got news for you- he’s not getting that job now. You’ve created a generation of young adults who have no independence, and no idea how to get it. They don’t feel the weight of responsibility or consequences, and they will never truly experience the joy of accomplishment. In short, they are becoming a drain on society, a bad example for future generations, and they will be suckling at the teat of your retirement fund well into their 30s. Enjoy your twilight years working at Burger King with your kid, the liberal arts major. But no whining – you brought it on yourself.

 

How’d I do, dear readers? Anyone you’d like to add to the list?

8 comments

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  1. Nick

    I love it, Mandi. TLC is the worst thing to ever happen to television.

    1. admin

      I had a hard time choosing between TLC and MTV, but I still have so many fond memories of MTV from back in the day when it actually had music videos.

  2. Charity

    So much awesome in this post. I can’t even count the ways.

    Also, the whole music elitism thing annoys me so much. Ugh. Unless, the elitism is bashing Lionel Richie. Then it’s fine.
    Charity recently posted..IMs with Jay: Lionel’s everywhere. Even in my country…My Profile

    1. admin

      I really only hate on people’s music when I can hear it through my apartment door, or as you’re driving by my office with your friggin’ car windows rolled up.

  3. Misty

    You ate the vagina carrot? Does that make you a lesbian now?

    Asshole drivers are still on my list. People drive badly. I’ve just pretty much come to the conclusion that they will always be driving in front of or beside me.
    Misty recently posted..The Ninth Circle of HellMy Profile

    1. admin

      Well, I do like boobs, but I don’t know that it’s enough to make me a full on lesbian.

      Also, I ate the sperm carrot too, right after I ripped off its tail.

  4. ArrogantSOB

    We may have been seperated at birth. Someone from my site mentioned yours, and suggested we have a lot in common. She was right. It’s good to be reminded that others are out there. (Full disclosure: I am a musical elitist. I would try to reform, but if I stop telling people how everything they think is wrong, and everything they do sucks really fucking badly, I would have to shut my blog down due to lack of content.)

    1. admin

      I don’t know about separated at birth since I’m fairly certain that I would have eaten a twin in utero, but I always welcome a brother from another mother!

      As long as you don’t try to tell me how much I or my music sucks, then we can still be friends.

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