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Jul 12

MWF seeks honest, stable, good writer for LTR. Call you, maybe?

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I am in a long-term, obsessive relationship outside of my marriage. The romance was sweet while it lasted, but mournfully short. Lately it’s become hostile and exactly the kind of unstable that can only happen when you’re trying to juggle too many people at the same time.

I hate to say it, but Craigslist, I think it’s time to break up.

I’ve used Craiglist for the better part of 10 years to sell my unused/unwanted stuff, meet some good friends and other, um, good people, and score some sweet deals on some sweet furniture. But now, I’ve lost that loving feeling and it’s gone, gone, gone, along with any of the traits that made our torrid love affair great.

I’ve been trying to hunt down a new headboard for our bed and a decent office desk that would be large enough for the husband and I to use at the same time without having to share a pair of underwear. What with a move coming up and a desire to save a good chunk of change over the next year, I don’t want to buy retail. People get rid of this stuff all the time, right? Surely, someone is preparing to part with a suitable item at this very moment. Let’s turn to my classified lover and see what delights are in store for me this session…

Complete and utter shit. That’s what.

Like the disinterested boyfriend that quits trying to please us, you have pissed all over the bath towels, hoping that you’ll save yourself the trouble of having to break up with me first. You motherfuckers that comprise the Craigslist community are so callous as to have taken to just wiping your dick on the curtains outright.

But relationships are all about communication, and because we have too much history to call it quits without at least putting up a fight, I’m going to give you the rundown of things you should try to work on if you really care about me.

 

“Reclaimed” items

I know there’s a huge push to be more green in an attempt to conserve on our limited resource nowadays, but it seems like people are REALLY stretching that definition in order to capitalize. Good luck selling a rusted metal storm door, riddled with bullet holes and shellacqued with copious amounts of bird shit for $175 as “reclaimed.” I’m pretty sure that you could offer me $20 to haul it off and I’d still decline your offer. Picking through the rubble of the local trailer park in the aftermath of the recent tornado does not make the item “reclaimed.” It makes you a sanitation worker. Possibly a FEMA representative. Additionally, if that shit is made of MDF or any derivation thereof, you won’t even be passing it off as “vintage.”

Thank you for making “Vintage” synonymous with “rickety/ugly as sin.”

I blame hipsters for the burgeoning popularity of this word in classified ads. I also fault them for being the ones to use it incorrectly. Vintage is that funky old chair with the goldenrod velvet fabric or the dining table with the gnarled branch legs. What vintage is not, is your 80s art deco bedroom set with the faux marble laminate that’s peeling away from the plywood, and your mom’s secret stash of blow still taped to the bottom of the top dresser drawer. I’m certain that you were probably conceived on said dresser and it holds sentimental value, but no one in their right mind is going to pay the$250 you’re asking for the set, even if they snort the 30 year old cocaine first.

“Timeless” and “inflation” clearly do not mean what you think they do.

I’ve noticed a completely obnoxious trend in ads lately. Stop me when this starts sounding familiar:

“Timeless living room entertainment group, made of solid oak. Purchased from *out of business furniture store* in 2001 for $6000. In absolutely pristine condition! Asking $5750 firm. No delivery.”

Great. So you spent 4 months salary on heavy, ugly, out of style furniture ELEVEN YEARS AGO, that won’t even hold my 32″ flatscreen, and you expect that your depreciation was only$250? AND you expect me to come to your house with friends and a moving truck to move all 3,000 pounds of it while you sit back and count your cash? Where the fuck do I sign up? While I’m at it, make sure you shower before I get there, because when we’re done hauling your timeless trash down 6 flights of stairs, I’m going to come back and cook you dinner before I satisfy you orally.

“Practically new!”

“Super comfy couch in a tasteful orange plaid pattern. Minor wear on the corner where the dog’s been scratching his ass on it, but would be easy to hid against a wall! $80 or best offer.”

Well, the price seems right. Let’s say that I have a tasteful slipcover to mask the unfortunate color choice and any sordid reminders of Fido’s swollen anal glands. There’s still the matter of your clearly defined ass prints in every cushion, plus the very real possibility that your teenage son experienced his first premature ejaculation on that couch while messing around with his white trash girlfriend. Unless that herpes factory comes with an unexpired warranty and proof of purchase in the last two years, you’d have better luck labeling it as “vintage.” You may also want to consider throwing in a one month supply of penicillin.

“No Scammers/Spam!”

I was going to offer you full asking price on that sweet-ass purple velour beanbag chair, but it appears that my out of country cashier’s check is no good, so I guess I’ll have to pass. I’ve got to be honest though, it’s probably not going to stop me from emailing you about it at least 10 times to inquire if your items is still available. Much interisted. Your repsonse would be very pleasurable, thanks.

I didn’t understand a word you just said…

Spell check, motherfucker – do you have it? I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been perusing the list of ads just to find that something is so horrifically misspelled that I don’t even know what’s being sold unless they have a picture. Even then, there’s vast room for interpretation. If I’m looking for a dining table and you’re selling a “dinning” table, you’re missing out on a lot of business, and chances are good that the traffic you are getting is coming from the hapless rednecks who will offer you $10 for your $100 La-Z-Boy because it’s not their favorite color. The more you know…

 

What’s that? Of course I’m not trying to change you, baby! I just want us to be happy again, like we were in the beginning! Before started leaving your socks on the coffee table and wiping your ass with my washcloths…

*Sigh*

On second thought, if anyone knows a reputable place to find good classifieds, there’s plenty of Craigs in the sea…

 

11 comments

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  1. NATurally Inappropriate

    +5 to awesome for that rad fucking poster. Additionally, throat punch incoming for infecting my brain with that fucking stupid ass song. And lastly, craigslist is gross.

  2. admin

    Making the poster took longer than the post itself. Also, I have no idea what that song even sounds like. Haha, suckers! Your aural misery is your own throat punch, and I still win.
    Admin recently posted..MWF seeks honest, stable, good writer for LTR. Call you, maybe?My Profile

  3. Misty

    So sad to see a relationship end. You guys were so GOOD together. Have you maybe tried to take a little break? See some other people for a while and then try again? I know you two crazy kids can make it work. It’s like kismet!

    Oh yeah, and song firmly implanted in my noggin. Thanks a bunch. :p

    1. admin

      I’m not much of a blind date person, but I’m open to any option you care to set me up with.

      Also, you people have no one to blame for that song being stuck in your heads but yourselves. This is why you shouldn’t listen to terrible pop music.

  4. Ally

    I have a Craiglist problem. I’m addicted to reading the insane shit people put in the personals section. I have learned some of my favorite vulgar phrases from the m4m section.

    1. admin

      A person could get a really amazing, or a really horrific sexual education hanging out on those boards. Depending on where you live, of course. Here in the midwest, I’m pretty sure that even people in the kink section only wants missionary at a slightly awkward angle.

  5. Valerie

    The best part of Craigslist is the personal adds. 3 words: Tiny. Penises. Everywhere.

    Also, the “Missed Connections”…. “Hey, I’m a 3’5″ dude with a heart of gold. You helped me reach the top shelf at Target. I think we shared a moment. Call me!”

    There is no hope for humanity. At all.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  6. Jennifer

    For these exact reasons, I prefer not to use Craigslist. Hilarious post — I especially love the part about the spelling. That is something that drives me crazy!!

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