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Mar 21

Meaningful Discourse from the Idiots Savant

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I spent half of today in the car, so I’m tired, cranky, and supremely unfunny right now. Luckily for you, my adoring/tolerant public, the archive is overflowing with our gems of exemplary conversational skills! So without further adieu, I give you another installment of weird/stupid/mildly offensive/borderline illegal conversations from the Ertel household!

Meaningful Discourse from the Idiots Savant

On choosing a Brewery name:
Ken: I don’t like Sloshed Scholar.
Me: Too hard to say when you’re drunk?
Ken: Yes.

Also hard to say when drunk: "Madam, please put those breasts away" and "I'm sorry, you're not my type."

Me: “You’re a nice guy, Ken. If I ever need a super sweet person to utilize extreme tact and courtesy, you’re my go-to guy. Meanwhile, I have yet to encounter a problem that I can’t solve using direct intimidation.”

“I need scholarships.”
“You’re too white.”
“But I’m a woman!” *Flashing boobs* “See?!?”
“They don’t have boob scholarships.”
*pouting* “They should. I would so win…”
“I know.”

“Kids — They need you to live for the first ten years of their life and then you’re charged criminally if you don’t take care of them the other eight.” –Ken

Ken again: “Eww… mucus. The miracle of life is gross.”

We like camping, but we haven’t been since we moved to Wisconsin, so I was doing some research on the internet regarding the local camping options.
Me: Listen to this – “Frontier Wilderness Campground – A nice indoor pool and huge recreation room.”
Ken: Pool and recreation room?
Me: Uh-huh.
Ken: Frontier Wilderness?
Me: Yup.
Ken: Great. “Now with wilderness simulation!”

faux camping

This is *NOT* camping.

 

Watching Big Bang Theory:
Me: Ken, if we ever have a child that socially awkward, it will be your responsibility to find the tastiest recipe for him.*
*Yes, I just threatened to eat my own hypothetical child. It’s the way of the wild, dammit.

 

Watching a Snuggle fabric softener commercial
Ken: I’m trying, but it’s hard to see that bear as anything other than…
Me: A victim of sodomy?
Ken: Yeah. Thank you, Robot Chicken.

Most disturbing Robot Chicken clip. EVER.

 

Ken, reading from an article in a parenting magazine: “Hide your jewelry because baby likes to grab at shiny things.” *Throws magazine on table* “Well, hide your nipple tassels and baby won’t yank on ’em all the time.”

See, now you're just begging for it.

 

Ken: “Damn, I forgot to ship my comic books back from California when I was there. Actually, it’s okay. They hang onto my comic books now; I won’t put them in a home later.”

 

Me: “Not only did we just make a Skyrim character in the likeness of our cat, but we named it after him too. We are the most pathetic nerds who ever lived.”

And our love is spehshul.

 

Amuse me, people! What shamefully geeky, yet noteworthy quotes have been uttered in your house lately?

10 comments

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  1. Jen

    The other day one of my short people said: “If our house burned down and we had to live in the forest and we had no food I would totally eat my brother first. I’d save you for later.” Umm. . .thank you?
    Jen recently posted..Office Skank Shenanigans, Huzzah!My Profile

    1. Misty

      Probably because he knows about your mad survival skills, yo.
      Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos: Part 2My Profile

    2. admin

      Hah! I’m telling you, if you’re even in Wisconsin and you need a babysitter, I would be friggin’ honored to spend some time with your short people. I eagerly anticipate all the bad habits we’ll teach each other…

  2. Misty

    Au contraire, mon frere . . . this is EXACTLY how camping should be done! Wait, was there a tv in that tent, right? No? Oh, nevermind . . . that is still too much “roughing it” for me, thanks.

    Posted about the wacky shit my kids said lately. Hmmm, can’t think of anything else right now. Sorry.
    Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos: Part 2My Profile

    1. admin

      Egads, woman…

      True story, I spent my lunch browsing a used bookstore today and I ended up leaving with a book about Wisconsin Camping “For campers who hate concrete slabs, RVs, and portable radios.”

  3. Angela

    A scientology commercial came on while the boyfriend and I were watching TV the other night and he says, “Hey, aren’t those the people that worship Cthulu or whatever?”. I responded, “No, honey, those are the ones who worship Giant Alien John Travolta.”

    1. admin

      Hold the freaking phone… There are COMMERCIALS for that shit?

      1. Angela

        There really are. I don’t even know what the hell we were watching that would have a Scientology commercial…but I’m pretty sure out here in the bible belt buckle of east Texas we’re likely not their target audience.

  4. Valerie

    Me (Upon telling my husband that we are going to an archery class on Friday): Eddie, do you think it would be weird if I wore my District 12 shirt to archery class?

    Eddie: I would expect nothing less from you…
    Valerie recently posted..Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs are making my ass fatMy Profile

    1. admin

      Little known fact about me, I have a gold ribbon in archery from summer camp when I was 10 years old. Pretty, pretty princess is also a great shot. I’m sexy-dangerous and I know it. *wiggle-butt dance*

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