I spent half of today in the car, so I’m tired, cranky, and supremely unfunny right now. Luckily for you, my adoring/tolerant public, the archive is overflowing with our gems of exemplary conversational skills! So without further adieu, I give you another installment of weird/stupid/mildly offensive/borderline illegal conversations from the Ertel household!
Meaningful Discourse from the Idiots Savant
On choosing a Brewery name:
Ken: I don’t like Sloshed Scholar.
Me: Too hard to say when you’re drunk?
Me: “You’re a nice guy, Ken. If I ever need a super sweet person to utilize extreme tact and courtesy, you’re my go-to guy. Meanwhile, I have yet to encounter a problem that I can’t solve using direct intimidation.”
“I need scholarships.”
“You’re too white.”
“But I’m a woman!” *Flashing boobs* “See?!?”
“They don’t have boob scholarships.”
*pouting* “They should. I would so win…”
“Kids — They need you to live for the first ten years of their life and then you’re charged criminally if you don’t take care of them the other eight.” –Ken
Ken again: “Eww… mucus. The miracle of life is gross.”
We like camping, but we haven’t been since we moved to Wisconsin, so I was doing some research on the internet regarding the local camping options.
Me: Listen to this – “Frontier Wilderness Campground – A nice indoor pool and huge recreation room.”
Ken: Pool and recreation room?
Ken: Frontier Wilderness?
Ken: Great. “Now with wilderness simulation!”
Watching Big Bang Theory:
Me: Ken, if we ever have a child that socially awkward, it will be your responsibility to find the tastiest recipe for him.*
*Yes, I just threatened to eat my own hypothetical child. It’s the way of the wild, dammit.
Watching a Snuggle fabric softener commercial
Ken: I’m trying, but it’s hard to see that bear as anything other than…
Me: A victim of sodomy?
Ken: Yeah. Thank you, Robot Chicken.
Ken, reading from an article in a parenting magazine: “Hide your jewelry because baby likes to grab at shiny things.” *Throws magazine on table* “Well, hide your nipple tassels and baby won’t yank on ’em all the time.”
Ken: “Damn, I forgot to ship my comic books back from California when I was there. Actually, it’s okay. They hang onto my comic books now; I won’t put them in a home later.”
Me: “Not only did we just make a Skyrim character in the likeness of our cat, but we named it after him too. We are the most pathetic nerds who ever lived.”