Mar 06

In sickness and in Chocolate!

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I know, I know. I failed to post yesterday.  Bad cop, no donut. Eat me. I was actually out sick on Thursday and Friday of last week, so I spent all day catching up, and doing my usual Monday thing, and handling a few work orders as well. By the time I got home, I just wanted a coke, some soup, and a few episodes of How It’s Made.

I got to work at 7:30 this morning to finish a few things before the boss got here, only the boss was already in his office, and… well, fuck. Thankfully he was trying to handle his own shit before a meeting, so I was quite productive. I’ve filed paperwork, I’ve sent leases out for renewal, I’ve composed stern letters of doom to bad tenants, I’ve answered emails and scheduled appointments, and I even vacuumed and dusted the office! I am fast and efficient! I am a woman on fire! I am… out of work again. Shit, really? Okay, then, blog post it is!


This, and the fact that I work on the ground floor…

Aside from the whole sick thing, last week was a good week for me. First, my hubby bought me a new recliner! Now I’m old, and I have the pretty damask wingback furniture to match! I shall miss my La-Z-Boy easy chair, but after 10 years, 2 husbands, and countless boyfriends in between, it was time for a change. Next step: usurping my own throne, which Mowgli the Conqueror has already claimed for himself. If you’re reading this, you furry little bastard, I’m coming for you.

Then, on Wednesday, I was informed that I am a winner! Specifically, I won a ginormous bar of Chocolate from Misty for my uncanny ability to be the name drawn from a hat! I had completely forgotten about it after the initial announcement. Then I got home last night from a rough day of work, and I saw a thick envelope, lovingly addressed by hand, and bursting at the seams with Chocolaty goodness!

It’s like a little monkey hug!

I threw the rest of the mail at my husband and ran up the stairs with my bounty, tearing open that envelope of love to find the most hilarious, creepy cat EVER. I may have peed myself a little when I first saw it.

It was my fault for not going to the bathroom before I left the office.

But inside… words of congratulations and thanks, despite the fact that I should be thanking her for such an amazing pick me up to an otherwise shit-tastic day. And the Chocolate! Oh, the Chocolate*!

Sadly, there is no box for “All of the Above.”

I have not yet experienced the joy contained in this bar, but when I do, I am certain that it will make me immortal.

Thank you, Misty! You made my day, not once, but twice!

*You may have noticed by now that I tend to capitalize the word “Chocolate,” yet I cannot be bothered to capitalize the word “god.” And that’s because fuck you, that’s why. If god ever gives me the kind of religious experience that Chocolate does, then perhaps we can renegotiate his job title. Until then, Chocolate, FTW, bitches!


Friday was also a spectacular turn of events in my own personal March Madness. I’ve been a follower and supporter of Noa’s League of Funny Bitches for a while now, first as a lurker and now as an active participant in the intellectual debauchery. It’s long been a dream of mine to be part of the league, but I figured that it would take me years to achieve such notoriety. At the very least, I figured that I’d have to be set on fire by a rival blogger before I could generate that kind of publicity.

Apparently, you all are a better PR firm than I could ever pay for because I awoke on Friday morning to a dozen emails and texts, and a big ol’ red spike on my stats counter. It was a magical morning and I even made my husband read it. “Good job, baby! I can tell everyone that my wife’s a funny bitch, only I can say the funny part now!”

He shall have his comeuppance one day. Three words: nipple-tweaking incident.


Thanks everyone, for the best week of the year so far!



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  1. Misty

    You’re welcome. Glad I could brighten your shitty day.

    And why wouldn’t you capitalize Chocolate. Seems only natural.

    Good job, you funny bitch, you. (Oh, and my hubs STILL doesn’t think I’m funny, so don’t worry about yours. The hubs DOES think I’m a bitch, though, so at least we have that in common!).
    Misty recently posted..Spreading the Love (Not like that!)My Profile

    1. admin

      Oh, my hubby thinks I’m plenty funny, but he thinks he’s funnier. He also fears that I’ve already ruined his chances for any future political aspirations, so I’m pretty sure he’s just delusional all around.

  2. Charity

    I was SO fucking excited and proud (and maybe a little jelly) of you on Friday! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    In other news, I totally missed you while you were gone.
    Charity recently posted..Fuck you AND your fucking fish.My Profile

    1. admin

      I love being loved, and that much more when I’m sick. Although squealing with glee at being the funny bitch when you’re not secure in the pants is cause for minor alarm…

  3. Jana

    Totally shaking my booty for you! Woohooooo…..you funny bitch you!

    PS – Glad you are better
    Jana recently posted..BoobifulMy Profile

  4. Transformed Nonconformist

    Congrats on everything. Enjoy your Chocolate.
    Transformed Nonconformist recently posted..The Awards Fairy Came ByMy Profile

    1. admin

      Thank you!

  5. Norway

    Ohmygosh. Where did that Chocolate come from? I must buy some for my best friend. Check ALL the boxes!

    1. admin

      You’d have to ask the fabulous Misty. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful before it appeared in my mailbox.

  6. Andrea

    OOOOOOOH-that Chair is gorgeous (so much so that I thought it deserved a capital…not like Chocolate, but there are no medium letters). The rest of the post is super awesome too–congrats on the week–sounds like you deserved it after the last one.
    Andrea recently posted..Random snippetsMy Profile

    1. admin

      Now, the chair I can help with. I got that from overstock.com. It is a stepping stone to my next $900 La-Z-Boy recliner for when I become rich and famous.

      I must say, it is quite comfy!

  7. Misty

    Check this out:


    Not sure if they are anywhere but MD though.

    1. Misty

      This was supposed to be in response to Norway. Oops.
      Misty recently posted..Who You Calling “Cracker?”My Profile

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