Oct 21

I’m going to wake up one morning to find nuts stuffed in my tail pipe.

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Mother fucking squirrels. It got cold outside and now the furry little fuckers are everywhere, looking for places to stuff or bury their nuts.

Cute little buggers, aren't they?

I’ve been noticing in the past few weeks that there have been muddy little tracks along the trunk of the car. At first I thought it was one of the feral cats in the neighborhood, but they were too small and scratch-like. The epiphany came to me one morning as I was heading out to the car to go to work. Or rather, the epiphany tried to eat my face.

I had gotten in the car to find that the trash in the front seat was making me stabby, so I gathered it up and walked it the 20 steps across the parking lot to the dumpster. Of course, I left the door open behind me because it was twenty freaking steps. I turned around to witness a squirrel jumping into my car!

So of course, silly me stands there blinking like a cardboard extra in an episode of South Park, wondering if that really happened, before shaking it off and yelling an indignant “Hey, what the hell!” to the still morning air and three windows full of nosy-ass neighbors. I peeked my head in the door to see him sitting on the passenger side floor mat, puffy cheeked and hissing at me. Because clearly, I was the bitch for interrupting his breakfast. I ran to the other side and opened the passenger door, and out he ran, puffy cheeked and hissing all the way. I think I actually heard him say “Fuck You” from the safety of his tree.

Since then, I’ve seen the same squirrel tracks on my trunk all the time, despite heavy rains and gas station squeegies. So the little fucker is clearly stalking me, and I don’t honestly believe that I’m kidding about that at this point. As I was leaving the office this afternoon, I rounded the corner of the building and witnessed a squirrel stuffing a nut in my freaking tail pipe! Before I could even grab my phone to snap a picture, he saw me coming, grabbed his nut, and scampered across the parking lot. I got in the car and started the engine, again, slow to move toward any discernible goal because did that seriously just fucking happen?!? No way. So as I was leaning over to close the door, there he was.That fucking squirrel was sitting in the parking spot next to mine, staring at me!

What adorable may look like on Friday at 5:00.

It was an old fashioned stare down,neither of us moving. Barely breathing. And then he started weaving back and forth, ducking his head and shifting his weight from side to side, like a furry, rabid little running back. It was like last call at the bar and he wasn’t sure he was drunk enough to go home with me. I slammed the door before he could make up his mind one way or another and he went about cramming his nuts in some other unsuspecting chick’s dirty exhaust hole.

Yet despite their rabid and obviously anti-social tendencies, more than one of these furry little bastards actually attempted to invade my domicile. To come into my home where I house a maniacal, squirrel decimating madcat. And that is why squirrels will always be nature’s little speed bumps.


Fuck your geese, Dani. At least you can eat them when you get tired of being mind fucked.


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  1. Dani

    Fucking squirrels!!! There’s one that lives near me that gets his jollies out of playing chicken every time I drive down my street. He knows I’ll come to a screeching halt just to avoid flattening his furry little ass on the cold, hard pavement… because he knows I’m that kind of stupid who would endanger all others on the road just so that HE DOESN’T DIE.

    Mayhaps the geese and squirrel are in cahoots?

    Because I seriously feel like those cocky little rodents are laughing at me.

  2. admin

    That reminds me of that Geico commercial where the squirrels are playing in the middle of the highway and a car swerves and crashes into a tree to avoid them. The squirrels high-five each other, twitter maniacally, and scamper back into the woods.

    Alternate ending to that commercial- after the squirrels have run off, a flock of geese land on the windshield with enough force to shatter it, peck the driver’s eyes out, and then south for winter. And this? This would still be quite normal compared to our experiences this past few weeks.

  3. Andrea

    Nice. My area must be too low in the squirrel population to have that kind of ballsy move from a mammal with nuts in its mouth. We have to shoo away skunks, possums, and the town’s 14 or so feral kitties running around. But never from the inside of my car. That’s gross.

    1. admin

      I had another stand in front of my office door with something in its mouth and just sit there expectantly, waiting for me to let him in. What I’m taking away from this is that winter is coming. Soon. And it will be a rough one. *Shops for new winter gear*

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