Jul 23

I’m going to bitch slap you so hard I get tennis elbow.

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I have become a science widow. The husband and his brood of mad scientist buddies are hosting the American Society for Virology this summer, and he’s been gone from 8:00 am to 11:00 pm all weekend and through Tuesday.

The cat and I spent a lot of time bonding this weekend and I even cooked food! For just me. That’s so sad…

I worked very hard on a craft project that I’m trying to finish before I leave for Texas on Friday. It will be the most gorgeous thing ever embroidered with the words, “Blow it out your ass.”

I did a little girl pampering this weekend too. My toenails still look like shit, but they’re trimmed and my heels are baby butt smooth.

Then I had to wake up at 6:30 this morning thinking that I had another day of weekend, when really, I had to be at work in 90 minutes. Fuck Me. I managed to get all my work done in about 2 hours, leaving me to sit on my ass and think about the fact that I have 4 more days until my trip. (This is what we call short timer’s sydrome, and it is a very debillitating disorder. No, seriously – I haven’t done shit since 10:00 am.)

The best part of this week is that while I’m out on Friday and Monday, so is my coworker. There will be no staff in the office to answer phones or emails, and all the doors will be locked. We’ll be putting a sign on the door to explain the situation to any witless ingrates visitors who may find themselves seeking our guidance, but I’m not feeling terribly patient (or professional) today, so here’s what I came up with:

You’re right. Too subtle.



Too much like an invitation to do their worst.



You have no idea how hard it is to find a picture of “Pressed Ham” that doesn’t show rectal probing.  Fucking Google, man…


But I hear some of you compassionate types in the background, mewling “But what if they really need help?” Fine. This one’s for you pussies:

Too brusque? Hi, have we met?


Ugh. Fine. How’s this:



“But what if they have a maintenance problem? Shouldn’t they know how to contact you?”
NO. They should know how to contact MAINTENANCE. And maintenance knows how to contact me. Believe me, they already tried to appeal to me on those grounds.


In the end, I think simplicity is the best course of action.


So? Did I miss anything?


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  1. NATurally Inappropriate

    Ok, some of those started out SOOOO good– and then they just fell to hell in a handbasket. Now, the main thing I want to know, is how the FUCK did ya’ll manage to close the whole goddamn office?
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..…and THAT’S why I have a giant ass!My Profile

    1. admin

      Hey, don’t blame me for the bad ones. Blame the people who expect me to pander to these idiots.

      Also, the office is closed because coworker has a very special family reunion, and you’re getting married. Remember, cousin dear?

  2. Jana

    HHHHAAAA…..boy, did I miss you guys!!
    Jana recently posted..Dear Twatbagders…..suck itMy Profile

    1. admin

      Apparently, you didn’t miss me enough to Draw Something.

  3. Misty

    Hmmm, I’m still not entirely sure you are getting your message across with all of those. Might be a bit too coddling. How about a simple, “Fuck you AND yo momma! We be closed, yo!” Simple, classy, gets the job done.

    And you had WAY too much time on your hands this week, huh? Hope the hubs returns soon!
    Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Heat WaveMy Profile

    1. admin

      Yeah, but I figured that the tried and true, “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck YOU, YOU’RE cool, fuck YOU, I’M OUT,” was a little played out.

  4. bluzdude

    I think the main reason there aren’t enought suitable “pressed ham” pix available is that it’s hard to get a suitable image with our smashing the scanner.
    bluzdude recently posted..Bluz on NuzMy Profile

    1. admin

      There was a Beavis and Butthead episode all about that very subject…

  5. NATurally Inappropriate


    Also, when you get here on Friday, let’s tell Jay how important it is to take a trip to the Kink Emporium and see what he says.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Light bulbs…complicated shitMy Profile

    1. admin

      I don’t know if Jay is ready for the deluge of amazing that is you and me under the same roof.

      1. NATurally Inappropriate

        Trust me, he knows how bad it will be.
        NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Light bulbs…complicated shitMy Profile

        1. admin

          Correction: He has an idea. And his mind will be blown anyway, right along with his sanity.

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