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Mar 13

How did you get here? Boobs, of course.

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Ah, Tuesday! Day after Monday, feels like it should be Thursday.

I have no idea what that means. I’m hungry, I’ve had no coffee today, and my brain keeps letting out a series of long-winded farts (Hah!) every time I try to type a cohesive sentence.

 They don’t smell, so I’m assuming the farts are actually raspberries that translate loosely to mean, “Screw you, Tolstoy. I ain’t typing all that.” Needless to say, today will be a short post, but I’ve added extra pictures and thrown in some cleavage to make up for it.

True to my word, Ken owed me a date night and Mexican food for dinner. I only had a salad which was meh, but I made up for it with the most magnificent margarita I’ve ever seen. It was 34 ounces of pleasure on my tongue. Not only did I finish the whole damn thing, but I also walked around with a wonderful buzz for the better part of an hour. If I could only talk my boss into Margarita Mondays, we’d all be a much happier bunch of misanthropes.

 

34 oz of panty removing love in a glass...

 We followed this lovely meal of alcohol with an evening at the symphony, or as I like to call it, Classy by Osmosis. I was sporting a lot more cleavage than some people would consider appropriate, but osmosis works best when you have more exposed surface area for absorption. Besides, it was the symphony and did I mention that Ken was with me? Much like some people pack a bag of toys to keep their kids occupied, I pack some fun bags of my own to keep Ken occupied. 

 

 

And if that’s wrong, well, you’ve clearly never dragged a bored spouse somewhere they don’t want to be.

I also brought my opera glasses and pointed out the violinist who sports some fantastic cleavage of her own, but we were sitting too far away to get good pictures of her, so here’s pictures of us behaving like jackasses instead:     

 

  

 

 

Last night, we had an opportunity to go to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner and a Top-Shelf Whiskey Taste. Apparently, it’s a pretty big thing because even at $65 a ticket, it was sold out and there were at least 200 people there. Thankfully, I didn’t pay for our tickets. It was fun and there was a metric assload of free booze from Scotch to Spiced Whiskey, to some locally brewed Rum and Brandy, but the restaurant wasn’t running the full rodizio menu and it was pretty cramped to try to sit and eat anyway. Plus, after 2 hours of walking around trying to balance a purse, a tasting glass, and a water bottle, my b0rked toe was killin’ me. Still not broken, but damn sure feels like it. This is what I get for trying to clean house. Will I ever learn?    

  

 

Since it’s been a tad on the slow side today, unlike yesterday when I spent most of the day in the car, I went and looked at my stats for the website. It stands to reason that when you feature the strange shit that I do that you will attract some special people during web searches. We are a special bunch ourselves. However, I can’t help but feeling that some of you landing on this site are either getting way more than you bargained for or not nearly as much as you were hoping for.

Au contraire, mon frere. You can't help but facepalm around here.

I honestly cannot remember – have I actually used the phrase “unicorn stabbing fucktards?” It sound like something I’d say, but if that came from me, I’m not using that phrase as often as it deserves.

Owl wearing socks? WTF? Owls don’t wear socks. They hack up bony little furballs and stand in those when their feet are cold. Duh!

Sugar tits? Why, yes, they are nice. Thank you for noticing, but Barbie anal? I think you might have the wrong idea. Regardless, the “bitch, you goin’ down” comment was a bit uncalled for. Besides, I have rage issues and you’re a dead man walking.

Anyone else have any strange search results in their stats?

 

9 comments

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  1. Valerie

    That goodness you put in a cleavage shot.. that toe scared the fuck out of me. It was a fine pallet cleanser.

    I’m gong to start using “unicorn stabbing fuckards” to describe people I loathe… thank you!!!
    Valerie recently posted..How Mannequin Hands Paid for Themselves in 24 HoursMy Profile

    1. admin

      Believe me, that toe scared no one more than me. Even with the bruising gone and the toenails newly dressed in French Pedicure Couture, it still hurts like hell.

  2. Dani

    You should go down in the Wife Hall Of Fame for packing cleavage to the symphony to keep Ken entertained!!! (Writing that sentence made me feel a little squeamish… I don’t know if I ever told you, but my ex-husband’s name is also Ken, as is my middle son, Kacey, who in Real Life is Ken Jr.)

    I’m so incredibly jealous of your Poor Decision Making Margarita…. I want one. Now.

    xoxo
    Dani recently posted..Strange Sex, Part DeuxMy Profile

    1. admin

      I wouldn’t call the margarita a poor decision. From my perspective, it was a damn fine idea, seeing as how I wasn’t driving.

  3. Misty

    Holy boobage, batman!! And what a wife you are. Boobies for Ken at the Symphony and margarita tipsy for his enjoyment later. Right?

    Yeah, I get some pretty crazy searches. I don’t check often, but when I do, I think people are pretty disappointed with what they find on my site. Did I mention that there is a porn star named Misty Laws? Yeah, so you can imagine. I don’t know how to screen capture either, so I never know how to show anyone those crazy things. Oh well, probably best to leave that alone. Yours are great, btw.
    Misty recently posted..Whip It, Whip It GoodMy Profile

    1. admin

      alt+PrtScn= months of hilarious blog posts to come.

      I would love to be in the heads of people doing searches for Misty Laws when they find themselves on a lawyer’s blog. Not a reflection on you, but that would have to be something of a boner killer.

      1. Misty

        Although I’m sure disappointing, I’m not sure that landing on my blog would lend itself to immediate realization that I am a lawyer. A person with some fucked up pics of people and crazy stories, sure. But I think you would have to know to know, ya know? :)
        Misty recently posted..Whip It, Whip It GoodMy Profile

  4. Charity

    Girl, you know I be havin’ me some CRAZY search terms.

    1. admin

      Your stats are always epic. I bow to your corner of crazy.

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