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Sep 14

The Grumbles McRantyPants Guide to Human Interaction

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We live in a world with an infinite combination of thoughts, opinions, and personalities; all co-mingling and feeding off others. Some might call this “joie de vivre.” I call this a constant reminder of why, when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, I’m going to double-tap first and say my whoopsies later.

 

Some people react to life’s little foibles with a calm, rational approach. And some people are irritated as hell at the depths of some people’s stupidity and see no point in shielding your frail ego from harsh, but deserved criticisms.

Like me.

But then, you already know where this was going, didn’t you?

 

 

Examples:

Undergrads make an unexpected detour to jaywalk in front of my oncoming car as I’m traveling in excess of 35 mph. (How much in excess is none of your business, thank you very much Mr. Lawman.)

How a reasonable person reacts: *leaning on the horn* “Watch it, Dumbass!”

How I react: *laying on the horn, hanging out the window and gesticulating menacingly* “That’s not a crosswalk, whore! Prepare to be road pizza! Yes, you! I’m gunning for YOU, BITCH!”

 

Here in the residential downtown neighborhoods, we have little red flags at the crosswalks for pedestrians to wave as they cross. One day, an old guy grabbed a flag and shuffled across the street without checking for oncoming cars because his bus was coming and he was on the wrong side of the street. Slamming on the brakes is the only thing between the wayward pedestrian and untimely demise.

How a reasonable person reacts: *Check rearview for traffic, make sure coffee isn’t spilled, shake head slowly and glare at old dumb bastard while he finishes his shuffling meander to catch the bus*

How I React: “God damn it, you crazy old Santa Claus looking mother fucker in a stupid hat! I will run your fat ass over and the children will fucking cry because there will be no presents next year!”

 

Husband texts me about how some dumb bastard was poking fun at him for ordering a latte.

How a reasonable person (like my husband) reacts: “So fucking what?”

How I suggested he react: “Do NOT fuck with me before I’ve had coffee or I will end your pointless, miserable life.”

 

Former tenant calls to demand that we refund a charge against her security deposit from where she practically sawed a solid wood door in half to run cable to her bedroom.

How a reasonable person would react: “I’m afraid you’ll have to schedule an appointment to meet with the landlord as he is the only one with the authority to refund those charges.”

How I react (and because there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that my boss is going to refund a penny of that fuckery): “Ha HA! When the rivers run in pure chocolate and all the porcine creatures of this earth sprout winged appendages and take to the sky before exploding into a glorious rain of bacon from the heavens; then, and only then will you be forgiven the atrocities that you have visited upon my property.”

 

A douchebag with bad hair plugs, driving a convertible, fails to take note of the fact that the traffic light has changed to green, and instead, blocks traffic whilst talking on his cell phone.

How a reasonable person would react: Lay on the horn until it becomes so difficult to hear that he can’t help but notice the green light.

How I react: Drive up the shoulder on his right. Stop next to his car, lay on the horn, and lean out the window screaming at the top of your lungs, “Hang up that mother fucking phone and get your pretentious piece of shit the hell out of my way, or so help me, I will shove that phone up your ass and skull fuck you with an icepick!”

 

On a winding mountain road with only a single lane in either direction, you get stuck behind an ancient married couple who insists on driving 12 miles an hour and refuses to use any of the slow traffic turnouts for TEN WHOLE MILES.

How a reasonable person would react: Lay on the horn. Flip them off when you finally have the opportunity to pass.

How I react: Lay on the horn continuously for 10 miles. Throw an empty glass Snapple bottle at their car when you finally have the opportunity to pass while simultaneously steering with your knee so both hands are available to flip them off.

 

Okay, after reflecting on the above, it would appear that I may have some minor road rage issues…

On second thought, fuck that. These are all perfectly reasonable responses. Go to hell. Or have a great weekend. Whatever.

 

Happy Friday!

5 comments

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  1. Misty

    Has anyone ever suggested that you might need a massage to relax a bit? Or maybe a little therapy? All this rage can’t be good for you. Is there public transportation in WI? Might be an idea to look into it. Just for your own sanity. And the safety of those around you.

    And I think I need to talk to your hubs about hiding all the sharp objects in your home. How do you feel about bubble wrap?
    Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: An ExplanationMy Profile

    1. admin

      As a matter of fact, I have 2 prepaid massages waiting for me, but they guy is fully booked through the end of the month. Meanwhile, I happen to think that road rage is just a form of expressive therapy, and my knives and I remain happily in the kitchen where no harm will come to anyone as long as they stay out of my way while I’m cooking.

      As for bubble wrap, I finally got rid of the last of it, so I propose a moratorium on it and any other packing materials for a period of not less than 1 year.
      Admin recently posted..The Grumbles McRantyPants Guide to Human InteractionMy Profile

  2. -Vince

    I have installed a 120 decibel horn in my car for just occasions. I like it. My wife refuses ride in my car anymore.

    1. admin

      And I would insist on driving.

  3. Mark

    This is an older post, but I’d suggest, if you don’t have a ton of stuff to carry, commuting on two wheels. A 125cc+ scooter of a 250cc+ motorcycle. I started commuting on a 650cc motorcycle about 4 months ago. I was on a scooter for a couple of months before that. I get to work ready to go, relaxed, and energized and get home in the same mode. Yes, I get angry at times, but I don’t have time to stay angry because it might kill me. Additionally, I’m having so much fun that it outweighs the anger. My blood pressure is down and people have observed that I’m more pleasant to be around since I started getting around on two wheels.

    I’m an academic so I need to wear a coat and tie to work. I keep a week’s worth of such clothes hanging in the office. My saddlebags are enough to carry my books and briefcase. Studies have shown that motorcycling and scooter riding provides an endorphin boost. I do have a four wheels, but I only fill it up about once every 6 weeks. It’s only used on really rainy days, really cold days, and twice a week for hauling people around.

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