We live in a world with an infinite combination of thoughts, opinions, and personalities; all co-mingling and feeding off others. Some might call this “joie de vivre.” I call this a constant reminder of why, when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, I’m going to double-tap first and say my whoopsies later.
Some people react to life’s little foibles with a calm, rational approach. And some people are irritated as hell at the depths of some people’s stupidity and see no point in shielding your frail ego from harsh, but deserved criticisms.
But then, you already know where this was going, didn’t you?
Undergrads make an unexpected detour to jaywalk in front of my oncoming car as I’m traveling in excess of 35 mph. (How much in excess is none of your business, thank you very much Mr. Lawman.)
How a reasonable person reacts: *leaning on the horn* “Watch it, Dumbass!”
How I react: *laying on the horn, hanging out the window and gesticulating menacingly* “That’s not a crosswalk, whore! Prepare to be road pizza! Yes, you! I’m gunning for YOU, BITCH!”
Here in the residential downtown neighborhoods, we have little red flags at the crosswalks for pedestrians to wave as they cross. One day, an old guy grabbed a flag and shuffled across the street without checking for oncoming cars because his bus was coming and he was on the wrong side of the street. Slamming on the brakes is the only thing between the wayward pedestrian and untimely demise.
How a reasonable person reacts: *Check rearview for traffic, make sure coffee isn’t spilled, shake head slowly and glare at old dumb bastard while he finishes his shuffling meander to catch the bus*
How I React: “God damn it, you crazy old Santa Claus looking mother fucker in a stupid hat! I will run your fat ass over and the children will fucking cry because there will be no presents next year!”
Husband texts me about how some dumb bastard was poking fun at him for ordering a latte.
How a reasonable person (like my husband) reacts: “So fucking what?”
How I suggested he react: “Do NOT fuck with me before I’ve had coffee or I will end your pointless, miserable life.”
Former tenant calls to demand that we refund a charge against her security deposit from where she practically sawed a solid wood door in half to run cable to her bedroom.
How a reasonable person would react: “I’m afraid you’ll have to schedule an appointment to meet with the landlord as he is the only one with the authority to refund those charges.”
How I react (and because there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that my boss is going to refund a penny of that fuckery): “Ha HA! When the rivers run in pure chocolate and all the porcine creatures of this earth sprout winged appendages and take to the sky before exploding into a glorious rain of bacon from the heavens; then, and only then will you be forgiven the atrocities that you have visited upon my property.”
A douchebag with bad hair plugs, driving a convertible, fails to take note of the fact that the traffic light has changed to green, and instead, blocks traffic whilst talking on his cell phone.
How a reasonable person would react: Lay on the horn until it becomes so difficult to hear that he can’t help but notice the green light.
How I react: Drive up the shoulder on his right. Stop next to his car, lay on the horn, and lean out the window screaming at the top of your lungs, “Hang up that mother fucking phone and get your pretentious piece of shit the hell out of my way, or so help me, I will shove that phone up your ass and skull fuck you with an icepick!”
On a winding mountain road with only a single lane in either direction, you get stuck behind an ancient married couple who insists on driving 12 miles an hour and refuses to use any of the slow traffic turnouts for TEN WHOLE MILES.
How a reasonable person would react: Lay on the horn. Flip them off when you finally have the opportunity to pass.
How I react: Lay on the horn continuously for 10 miles. Throw an empty glass Snapple bottle at their car when you finally have the opportunity to pass while simultaneously steering with your knee so both hands are available to flip them off.
Okay, after reflecting on the above, it would appear that I may have some minor road rage issues…
On second thought, fuck that. These are all perfectly reasonable responses. Go to hell. Or have a great weekend. Whatever.