Oct 15

Full Bodied Threats, Empty Headed Whiners

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Mondays should be illegal in this industry.


Or perhaps a little Adderall?


Leasing season began in earnest today, although I’ve been showing apartments for 2 weeks now. Of course, I’m hyper aware of building appearance and which of my tenants have the housekeeping skills of feral pigs. And already I have concerns, and valid ones at that. Four police reports in 3 days, 100% neighbor complaints, tell tale signs of binge drinking (Additional deductions from style points for Natty Ice LIGHT), and a slew of passive-aggressive complaints and intentional breakage of plumbing. I rescinded their renewals because I’m not up for another year of this nonsense (and I’m pretty sure they’ll burn the building down) and they got worse out of sheer spite.


Last Monday, I had a showing at the building and arrived early to find a couch in the side yard, sans cushions, dining room table on the patio covered in cans and red solo cups, and the stench of pot and cheap beer inside and outside their apartments. Then it rained for two days, and the furniture still sat outside, owner nowhere to be found. By Thursday, I had maintenance haul it all to the curb for the next day’s trash pickup rather than leaving us open for a city citation. The owner couldn’t call me fast enough after that.


Gently used! And apparently missing its legs now…


The FIRST words out of her mouth were, “I know it’s a violation, BUT…”  and then she proceeded to go all sorosti-harpy, screaming about how we broke her table and we had no right to touch it and we should have called everyone to see who it belonged to, because she was “trying to sell it and now it’s broken.”  After telling her that she should have taken personal responsibility for the proper storage of her property, I told her to file a claim against her renter’s insurance.  They told her that the loss is her fault and they won’t cover it.

Color me absolutely shocked.

Her mother called and started screaming before I even finished saying hello, so I interrupted her and told her that I could not speak to her about anything other than her cosign status because she’s not the named lessee. At this point, I’ve been screamed at by so many ignorant parents, that I refuse to talk to any who won’t be polite.


But then her mommy called today demanding compensation because “it was worth something and you rendered it worthless, so you owe us fair market value.” Muahaha. Game ON, woman.

“We didn’t know who it belonged to, and it was outside in the rain for 3 days before we decided it was abandoned property and threw it out. If she was so concerned about keeping it in salable condition, she should have stored it properly in her apartment. She even admitted to being in violation of her lease agreement – four different provisions, in fact! Not only do I not owe any compensation, but she’s lucky I don’t charge her for removal since she admitted ownership. Read the lease agreement. I’m not arguing about this anymore.”

“We’ll see about that!”

We will indeed…


At the same building this morning, I opted to clean up some beer cans and random junk mail accumulating by the mailboxes. In the pile of junk mail was a box from Fedex for a house three doors down. It was open, so I looked inside to confirm that it was empty, but it WASN’T. Inside was a small bag, containing a prescription bottle. A full bottle. Of Adderall. The return address was from someone in North Dakota, mailing it to a different someone at an address two buildings away, full of a prescription for a third someone with an address in Illinois. All left on the ground in front of the mailboxes. Nope. Nothing sketchy happening here.



I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to discover that these are some form of roofies, or bath salts, or something. I think I’ll do my due diligence as a landlord under the law and hold it for the mandatory seven days before making a YouTube video of myself flushing one pill at a time…


  1. NATurally Inappropriate

    I just now, and I do mean JUST NOW noticed that you have an ENTIRE CATEGORY called ‘your mommy is a thundercunt’.

    I bow to you.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Texts with Jay are never boring.My Profile

  2. Valerie

    You should hire a homeless man to dress as a panda and hit them with wiffle bats every time they leave the apartment. I’m not sure if this will solve anything, but Karma’s a mofo and they kinda have it coming.


    Valerie recently posted..Like I really needed a God complex on top of all my other problems…My Profile

  3. Jana

    Your mommy is a THUNDERCUNT…..I am so stealing that!

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