Oct 19

Friend? You use this word, but it does not mean what you think it does.

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Facebook has been a pain in the ass lately and this might be the day that I decide to be completely over it.

I’m not talking about the new layout, although it’s giving me way too much insight into the morass of stupid that is my friends’ friends. There’s something about seeing snippets of conversations that my friends have with people I don’t know that makes me feel a little bit dirty, and not in that nasty fun way.

I’m not talking about privacy issues either. Anyone who uses the internet has willfully surrendered their privacy and any illusions thereof. If you’re going to post every thought that pops into your head, you should be prepared that it will be seen, forwarded, and/or judged by a great many people. Not comfortable with that? Keep it to yourself.

No, I’m referring to all the passive-aggressive attention whores. The jackholes who lose their shit when their list of 12975723945 friends decreases by one. The cockbite who sends me a nasty message when I’ve ignored their friend request because I don’t know you/never liked you or unfriended them because they’re not the kind of person with whom I want to be associated. So in no particular order, here’s to you, Assholes!

Dear Jill Schmoe – college student,

To the best of my knowledge, you are not operating business or a music group. You don’t write for a blog (at least not one that I follow), nor are you some other kind of personality/celebrity that uses Facebook as a means of PR or advertising. Therefore, your quest to get 3213580735 friends is just weird. The fact that you got incredibly belligerent when I refused your invitation to become #3213580736 is a little Children-of-the-Corn-esque. Facebook is not a popularity contest, it’s networking. As my understanding of networking goes, I have as much a right to refuse to be social with you online as you have to refuse to socialize with your “friends” offline.

Dear Passive-Aggressive Angst-holes,

Your weekly routine of calling people out (they know who they are) for being an awful lot like you is old and tired. Every time I saw one of those updates, I wanted to shove my foot so far up your ass that you could taste my fine, Italian leather shoe. I had no choice but to remove you from my friends list because any true friend of mine has testicles, real or honorary, that they use to confront their problems head-on in no uncertain terms. You, on the other hand, are just a nutless wonder.

And to you, ‘Roid raging Cock Gnome:

You are the flip side of the passive-aggressive penny. Some disconnect in your ‘roid rattled brain has led you to believe that that you are welcome to unleash whatever foul belch of words escapes your booze hole at will. Free to exercise this option, you may be. Welcome, you are not. There are even rare occasions when you are fully aware that your behavior is inappropriate. And in true southern fashion, you will bash someone and then follow up with, “Bless his/her heart!” Takes the sting out of it, you know.

A few stellar examples of your idiocy:
“I’m just sayin’,” preceded by the most ignorant, obnoxious redneck statement imaginable. “Yer sister’s had quite a few paws in her honey pot. I’m jus’ sayin’.”
No, what you’re really saying is that you’re a sister-fucking hillbilly twat.

See also: “No offense.” Used interchangeably before or after whatever moronic comment you made that you wish you could unmake 2 seconds later. “The 8th Street Bakery called – they’d like their muffin top back. No offense.” No, none taken. How could anyone possibly be offended by so innocent and witty a gem as that? Bitch, please. The fact that you draw precious oxygen offends good taste itself. Please die in a fire, bless your heart.

 I have 85 friends on Facebook. They are family, friends, and/or are generally people whom I’ve met or have otherwise developed a close interpersonal relationship online. To me, this is the beginning of what constitutes a friendship. It’s not about bolstering my popularity. It’s not about who makes me look smart, pretty, or generally awesome to other people. You’re a friend because I enjoy your company, your conversation, and you as a person.

To all the people who like to measure your worth as a person by the number of acquaintences you have or the number followers you have on some online forum: your approach to life is rather sad and you’re going to be an angry, unfulfilled douche nozzle until you get over your inferiority complex.

So to review, people are socially inept dickwads and there is much merriment to be had by laughing at the multitude of ways that they insert foot in mouth. That said, maybe I’ll hold onto my facebook account a little longer after all.


  1. Jen

    After having my Facebook account hacked no less than four times I finally told Mark Zuckerberg to suck it! Most of those people weren’t my “friends” anyway. . .they’re just nosy bastards.

    1. admin

      The only thing that keeps me from telling Fuckerberg to suck it is that the way I’d phrase it woud almost certainly ensure that he would show up at my door to give me a live demonstration.

      There’s not enough eye or brain bleach in the world.

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