Jan 03

Foresight vs. foreskin: All about New Years Resolutions

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What’s the difference between someone that wants to improve themself, their life, and their year in general versus a smegma laden foreskin on the penis of humanity?  Foresight. New year’s resolutions are balls. And the people who ride your ass about not making them or not publicizing them are dicks. Especially when you get to July 1st and realize that the dicks dumped their resolutions in February. Don’t misunderstand me here – Improvement is great. I just don’t see a point in keeping it all connected to some arbitrary calendar date. If you want to improve, do it, but there’s no time like the present. To get that appreciable improvement though, you need the foresight to prepare for all potential roadblocks.

I believe in having goals. The kind with an executable plan of attack. Be resolute in your goals. Don’t make resolutions. “But new years are ripe for a new start and new possibilities and blah, blah, blah.” Yeah, okay. After a long, arduous year, I can relate to a need to start on a positive note. I’m still not making new years resolutions. Resolutions fail. I am not one who sets herself up to fail, I am here to kick ass. To shoot first and ask questions later. I am John Wayne with tits! 

Save a horse, ride a cowboy indeed.

The whole of 2011 was a decent enough year, which is to say that I dropped my former employer like a teen mom drops her kids on their heads. My new job allowed us to finally start paying a substantial amount toward our debts and putting money into savings, with the aid of my nifty, amortized debt payoff spreadsheet. (Once you go accountant, it tortures your soul like a small, helpless animal with a propensity for doing math.)

Even though it was a decent year, I feel like I could have accomplished so much more. I only got back into maintaining this blog in September or so, and while I’ve tried to aim for 3 posts a week, I’m only averaging about 1.5. The blog was also meant to showcase my craft interests and a whole separate part of the site was supposed to be dedicated to cooking.  I’m telling you, gainful employment is really cutting into my desire to be a lazy ass with infinite blogging time.

Always just out of my grasp!

2011 was also supposed to be the year that I magically stepped out of my bloated carcass to reveal a 50 pound slimmer, gym spokesmodel. That one was entirely my fault. Somewhere around August, work got oppressively busy and it became a fantastic excuse to stop going to the gym 3 times a week like I had been. I suppose I should be thankful that I didn’t gain any extra weight, but I’m just disgusted. Disgusting? Either one. Both, really.

Then there’s that whole cooking business. See, I usually plan out our dinner menu during the last week of the month for the whole next month and we do our grocery shopping trip based on that list. This way, I can control how healthy our meals are and I always have leftovers for lunch, instead of eating out. Yeah, that meal plan happened exactly 50% of last year. Not doing it probably cost me some hard earned cash, along with weight that did not magically melt away.

The bottom line is that I want to 2012 to be a productive year, and I have the foresight to know that it requires not resolutions, but specific, attainable goals to make this happen. An actionable plan will be forthcoming by week end and spreadsheets and charts may or may not be involved (stupid accountant nature).  Let’s make it official, shall we?

I do hereby commit to myself and all 8-16 of my regular readers that I will perform the following duties to the best of my ability:

1. I will post 3 new blog entries per week.  
In the interest of meeting this goal and having adequate material, I will post A recipe review on Monday, a free writing day on Wednesday, and a WTF Friday post on or around Friday, since that bit was very well received, both here and on Facebook.

2. I will make the next month’s menu plan by the 28th of the month.
I will plan our shopping list according to this menu plan and apply any unused menus to the following month. To keep the plan from getting monotonous (and to keep the weekly recipe review interesting), I will try at least 5 new recipes per month from a combination of cookbooks, websites, and my 4 bajllion back issues of Bon Appetit.

Multiplied by 3, this is how many of these I need to go through still

3. I will start a workout regimen and work myself up to 3 workouts a week.
I’m not committing to losing weight. That’s a failure waiting to happen. I will create a manageable exercise routine, stick to it, and let the weight loss follow. My gym membership expires in March and then I will stop wasting money on it while I have a perfectly functional, newly upgraded gym in my apartment complex. Until then, I will make use of whatever classes/equipment will keep me faithful to that 3 day per week routine. I will also make use of the FatSecret blogger’s group that I created to help motivate and encourage others with similar goals while remaining accountable to them as well.
***Side note*** If you’d like an invitation to this group, join the FatSecret website (it’s free and I’ve never gotten spam emails from them), and then email me via the contact us link.


4.  I will share more of my crafting savvy with everyone.
I love to hop on Pinterest and look at all the neat project ideas and recreate them with my own special touches, but I never really share them after the fact. I will pick one craft related project per month, be it one of my own or one that I have found, and either showcase it here on the site or pin it to Pinterest for everyone to fawn over or modify or whatever.

This commitment comes with regularly scheduled performance reviews, wherein I will evaluate my progress 2 months from now to determine how well I’m doing and tweak my attack plan as necessary. Somewhere at the 6 month mark, I may add a new goal or two (Perhaps we’ll get the part of the website related to culinary bliss up and running?)

In the meantime, if there’s anything y’all would like to see featured here, leave it in the comments or send me an email and I promise to write it into the plan, so long as it’s not more illegal than a misdemeanor.

Stealing garden gnomes is a misdemeanor. A hilarious misdemeanor.

The ball is rolling, y’all. Here’s to not getting shafted this year!


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  1. Charity

    I’m pretty much always like, ‘fuck a new years resolution’. Your ‘changes’ sound awesome, but it’s too bad I’m far too lazy to even do half of that.
    Charity recently posted..Gamer chicks– we have boobs and aren’t afraid to use them…My Profile

    1. admin

      I also have a propensity for extended relaxitude in my aging years. That’s why I’m putting it in writing and setting my phone up to bug the shit out of me about everything. *Bzzz* Go to the gym, fatty! *Bzzz* Drop the coke and drink some water, fatty! *Bzzz* Stop lurking on Pinterest and go post a blog, fatty!

      I may smash my phone before this year is over.

  2. Heather Rose

    While you’re at it, burn some calories at the gym for me, too. Weight loss totally works like that, right?

    But seriously, I’m looking forward to the recipes. Having a fiance who eats as much as 3 people is great training for one day having kids, but I always need new options to add to my repertoire.
    Heather Rose recently posted..TSA: Truly Sick AuthorityMy Profile

    1. admin

      Really, you should come join fat secret with me and whatever other bloggers accept the invite. I set the group to private so that no one can see our semi-private shame…

      Also, I expect to have a recipe review up here shortly, by request.

  3. Charity

    Ya know, I’ve lost about 50 pounds since July. I’ve not exercised or gone to the gym once. I’ve also not starved, or gone on a ‘diet program’. This weekend I ate chicken fried steak and chinese food…

    I’m pretty pleased with myself and I’m still losing. It’s better, for me, to lose it very slowly and steadily rather than go to the gym.

    1. admin

      At the beginning of the holidays, I was eating very infrequently and doing a lot of running up and down stairs in my apartment buildings, so I was dropping weight pretty well without going to the gym. But now it’s winter break and all of my work has been at the desk, so I’ve stalled. I want to be a size 6 again. I won’t ever get there without going to the gym.

  4. Charity

    I’d be happy with a sixTEEN.
    Charity recently posted..Holy fuck- and other related postsMy Profile

    1. admin

      Let me know when you get there and you can have all mine. Assuming I don’t blow the ass out of them the next time I squat to get into the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet.

  5. Jen

    I suck donkey balls when it comes to resolutions. Instead I make goals like “get on a game show” or “learn to ride a mototrcycle”. Much more fun!
    Jen recently posted..Victim’s Rights? Wrong.My Profile

    1. admin

      I have a motorcycle license, but I now live in Wisconsin where there aren’t any helmet laws, so I refuse to ride here. As for getting on a game show, again, I live in Wisconsin. The best I’m going to get on that front is the next MTV Jersey Shore spinoff featuring the fraternities and sororities of UW-Madison. I’ve already pitched a name for it: Pimp my Sorostitute.

      1. Charity

        I have a motorcycle license and just happen to own my very own Harley. I rode it this morning. And was just whining on FB about how fucking nasty my hair looks.

        I love the bike. I fucking hate smelling like exhaust at the office for 10 hours.
        Charity recently posted..A buncha random shizz about nothin’ in particularMy Profile

        1. Charity

          What does no helmet laws have to do with anything? Why don’t you just wear your own helmet?
          Charity recently posted..A buncha random shizz about nothin’ in particularMy Profile

          1. admin

            The lack of helmet law is only part of it. When I ride, it’s in full, armored gear, for my safety if not comfort. This state in general is notoriously unfriendly to riders and unsafe as a result, and I say this as someone who learned to ride in California where lane splitting is legal.

  6. Misty

    Oh, shit. Why haven’t I been here before. You be one funny bitch, yo. And those garden gnome stealing things (what the hell are they?) are hilarious!! I’m hip to what you are throwing down, lady. (Do I sound cool, yet? Do you want to hang with me and Jen? Charity can totally come, too! :)
    Misty recently posted..Post Xmas Mall ExperienceMy Profile

    1. admin

      Hah! I stalk you on the regular, yo… I just don’t comment often.

      Come hang out anytime. I should have some good recipes at the end of the weekend.

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