Jan 18

Enunciation, and Other Maxims of Communication

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Today is something of a momentous day for the internet with many widely known and visited sites like Wikipedia and Reddit going dark today in protest of the proposed SOPA and PIPA legislation. If you’re still not sure what the hoopla is a about, check out the Reddit blog. There was a very comprehensive piece written there in simple language, which should answer most any questions you have.

I’ve made my stance on the matter quite clear many times over many forums. As such, I’ll spare you the discourse today but to say that this legislation has the potential to adversely (and unfairly) affect anyone who uses the internet, but has some terrifying implications for bloggers and any other content creators.

In conclusion, If you haven’t already done so, I strongly urge you to write letters and emails to everyone you can think of to voice your opposition to the most blatant attempt at censorship this country has ever seen without so much as due process, all spearheaded by industries who refuse to grow and adapt with the technologies of our time.

And that’s all the more I will say on the subject, I promise.

Moving on to more fun topics…

Public service! Is there any profession more thoroughly irritating? I don’t know if it’s the scarfs bundled around people’s faces, an excess of recreational drug use, or a poorly measured combination of the two, but I cannot understand a god damn thing anybody says lately. Since people get pissed at me because clearly, I’m an asshole for not speaking drunken slur, I’ve developed this handy little guide to aid you in communicating with the smart people.

1. Phone calls

When you call my office, do not chew on or slobber into the handset when you’re speaking. You sound like one Down Syndrome kid making fun of another one and I either can’t understand you, or don’t want to. Likewise, if you leave me a voicemail message for which you expect a return phone call, you had damn well better speak slowly, clearly, and leave your fucking phone number! I will suffer no guilt for deleting a message from someone named Jennifer that doesn’t leave a number.

Other things not to do: take an extra hit of speed before leaving the message. If I can’t get your number, I can’t return the call. And even if I do manage to glean your name from your speed freak gibberish, you will have taxed my listening abilities in such a way that I cannot be convinced to decipher your call, much less return it.

Even this kid thinks you sound like a fuckin' tard.

2. Written Missives

I love email. It gives me the ability to peruse messages at my leisure to quickly pick out the details I need to plan my next steps. That said, if you send me an email that looks like Stephanie Meyer tried to pen another Twilight installment, I won’t be replying to that message until I’m bored, and out of blog ideas, As it relates to the (hand)written word, please print your name somewhere near your signature, and for god’s sake, write legibly! If your pennmanship looks like a dog drooled on the sticky not in ancient aramaic, I’m putting the paper straight in the shredder. And bitches who steal my pen get cut like government cheese. DO NOT FUCK WITH MY PEN.

3. Conversations

My final tip for you communication challenged – when addressing me, do not refer to me as sweetie, honey, babe, chica, bitch, or any other such terms of endearment. I know I have a cute phone voice. I even sound reasonably sweet as long as you haven’t pissed me off. But we are not that close. You do not know me, and most of you still call me by my predecessor’s name, despite the fact that she quit a year ago. Most of you have never even seen me in person! You don’t know that I’m not 4 feet tall and 350 pounds, crushing the bolts out of my office chair, using a smoldering cigarette to light a new one, and drooling the crumbs of a box of Krispy Kremes into my keyboard. I’ve got a decade on you and addressing me as any sort of sex object is fucking creepy. You’re less likely to garner my good will than if you’d called me a psycho hog beast.

And on that note, if you call to plead your case about a lease violation or fine, and it doesn’t resolve to your satisfaction, don’t waste my time just sitting there, passive-aggressively hemming and hawing and waiting for the conversation to meander in that direction. I’m not going to give you a segue. I love watching you squirm in uncomfortable, socially awkward silence, but it’s only amusing to me for so long. Say something heated. Angry. Offensive even. Just get to the fucking point and get off the damn phone.


  1. Jana

    I couldn’t agree with you more! Fucking spell check your shit before you send it too, there is nothing worse than getting an e-mail from some jack ass who looks like he typed it with his toes and a stick.

    Also, if you call and you realize you got the wrong number, just say that …don’t hang around breathing and then slam the phone down.
    On a side note, when my brother lived in Chico (where we both went to college), his phone number was one digit off the local papers number. People would call all the time complaining about not getting their paper. My brother was all nice at first and said they had the wrong number, blah , blah…then he got pissed and started to fuck with them. One guy called about his missing paper, and my brother was like, “oh, you mean that jackass Bob, he is so fucking fired I told him for the last time to stop masturbating in the papers and drinking on the job, his ass is fired.” Consequently, the paper posted its number in a inserted flyer to all its subscribers.
    Jana recently posted..Goodbye pink nipplesMy Profile

    1. admin

      If I weren’t already married, I’d probably take a whack at your brother… That sounds exactly like something I’d do.

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