Commercials in our house tend to get muted most of the time, but for some reason, a toilet paper commercial was granted a reprieve this night. And because my dear husband is susceptible to advertising, we of course must have a conversation about it, as follows:
Ken: “You know, I’ve been pooping for many years and I have never gotten toilet paper stuck to me. Have you ever had that problem?”
Me: “It happens and I think it’s different for women. Lots more fluid secretions. And some pubic hair. Easier for stuff to get caught. If I could, I’d get rid of toilet paper altogether and we’d use nothing but wet wipes.”
Ken: “That would be weird.”
Me: “You’d get used to it. It would be like using a bidet in Europe. A handheld bidet.”
Ken: “I hope you never become wealthy enough to afford that. I couldn’t do it. I would buy toilet paper and hide it. I would hide it like a man hides porn.”
Me: “Why would you hide porn?”
We are THE classiest couple you will ever meet.
And on the subject of class, can someone tell me what would be the female equivalent of cock blocked?
Twat swat? Clam jam? Cunt shunt?
Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure I just did it to my mother. Now, I’ll grant that this may require some back story, so I’ll make it quick. My mother is a very classy woman, despite my siblings and my near constant attempts to corrupt her. Even at the risk of being labeled uppity or snobbish, she’s always taken the high ground and behaved like a lady. Since my father passed away and Mom is still a young, attractive woman, it stands to reason that she’d garner the attention of men. I take no issue with this and I wish her nothing but happiness as she truly does deserve it. I do, however, take issue with”men” who can’t conduct themselves with propriety and a hint of good breeding when interacting with her, particularly on a public forum.
Tonight on Facebook, my mom posted a recent picture of herself, and it was a very good picture of her.
Enter stage right some random troglodytic dick wagger:
Oh, no – you did NOT just do the online equivalent of caveman posturing at my mother!
So I posted another comment:
“You look lovely. As a result, it’s more important than ever to beware of creepy men making inarticulate comments about your sex appeal without such niceties as proper grammar or syntax.
Seriously though, very pretty.”
Two minutes later, his comment was gone.
I’m a bitch. But this bitch will cut you like government cheese if you get anywhere near my mother with that whore mouth.