«

»

Dec 06

Dear Paypal, I hope you choke on a cock.

Print Friendly

It’s been a while since I dusted off the old soapbox to rant about what’s wrong with the world, but this one happens to be near and dear to my heart. So I’m going to take a moment to hoist myself up here to sing loud and clear in dulcet soprano tones: Paypal, choke on a cock and suffocate in your own bullshit. (I know it sounds rather crude, but that’s because most of you can’t hear how it sounds coming out of my mouth in a gorgeous soprano.)

I happen to follow with rapt attention, everything that passes through Regretsy.com. As an avid crafter, it’s always amusing to see what people with no filter for appropriate-ness list as goods. It makes me feel like the Michelangelo of needlework. But more than just providing a daily laugh for me, Regretsy also has a strong history of doing some kick ass charity events.

The holidays are one of the most popular times for charity, and in keeping with the giving spirit of the season, Regretsy organized an event to help raise money for toys for underprivileged kids. They blew past their donation goal to such an extent that it was going to be possible to make a small contribution to the families as well.

And then Paypal decided to butt fuck the Christmas spirit, leaving it crying and rocking itself in the corner, while depriving these families of a truly awesome gift. I’m not going to go into all the sordid details since so many others have done excellent write ups, including Regretsy’s owner and principal blogger, April Winchell. You can view these articles here, here, and here.

Needless to say, in the season of giving, when everyone feels a little warmer and fuzzier, or at least a little more inclined to part with some money for a good cause, you shouldn’t fuck with the people heading up the charity. But Paypal has many well detailed stories of their exploits involving the brutal shafting of their customers without so much as a reach-around. Apparently, they felt the need to diversify, and here we are today with April’s fundraiser only realizing half the success it expected while Paypal just sits there drinking the tears of defiled virgins.

I coordinated the web effort of a similar charity drive a few years ago using Christmas ornaments and we donated the proceeds to a local children’s charity. In total, the web drive raised $2,500 in a little over a week, and donations were set at a minimum of $5. That’s 50 transactions a day totalling around $300 each day and I didn’t even get an eyebrow raise, so Regretsy’s $2 donations shouldn’t have been enough to warrant a red flag. Someone is on a power trip here.

I’ve seen a lot of idiots spouting a dozen permutations of what basically boils down to, “They should have just established a proper charity.” And there’s just so much idiocy in those statements that I have to wonder how these people haven’t autodarwinated, as they’re clearly not even special olympics caliber retarded. Jumping through the hoops to be set up as a “proper charity,” requires a herculean bureaucratic effort that could take you well into next Christmas before you get it approved and running. A lot of businesses just want to set up a quick fundraiser around the holidays to help people put food on the table or toys under the tree, and if a local business sets up a charity fund for such an event you can bet your piggy bank and your ass that they’re not going to go set up a non-profit. They want something easy and accessible to the general public, and there’s no shortage of examples on the Paypal website where Paypal sings its own praises to that end so much that they’re practically fellating themselves.

For Paypal to arbitrarily decide on a case by case basis that one website’s collection of donations is acceptable while another is in violation of an acceptable use policy that hasn’t been defined is heavy handed and unethical and at best they’re guilty of false or misleading advertising. I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that it’d be considered borderline illegal if the right group of attorneys ever got it in front of a judge. Paypal can pick and choose who and when they want to fuck with. They make your funds inaccessible and keep their cut of the fees whilethey grope your sister with one hand and give you the single finger salute with the other, all with practically no repercussions. Why do they feel justified in doing this? Because for the most part, there are no viable alternatives. Google checkout is a decent service, but it’s not exactly easy to set up your Ebay or Etsy storefronts to implement that. Ever shopped online and seen the option to use your Paypal account at checkout? It’s hard to find a retailer who doesn’t offer it.  Ever paid for an Ebay auction without using Paypal? If I have, I cannot recall. Paypal is the most convenient money grubbing cash handler that ever hated their customers. Paypal is a gold digger, and our collective ass is their excavating site. 

When you have as much control over a person’s or business’s money as Paypal does, then you are, in fact, operating as a bank. As such, it’s high time that Paypal be held to the same rules as the banks since they can’t seem to refrain from behaving like a petty, power hungry 13 year old girl when it comes to people’s money.

When banks pull the kind of shit Paypal gets away with, they’re violating half dozen consumer protection and banking laws. If banks freeze your accounts, they need a valid reason (and sometimes a court order) and then have to pay you interest on the funds. Your bank can’t stop you from withdrawing all your available funds because you want to donate it to Fraternal Union of Collegiate Keepers Of Fortune and Fame. Moreover, if your bank ever tried, you’d pull out faster than a frat boy with a pending paternity suit. It’s time for all of us to start doing the same thing to Paypal. People in abusive relationships will only put up with so much shit before they walk away yelling a hasty goodbye over their shoulder. For all intents and purposes, that’s what Paypal has become – the abusive lover in a relationship that was never terribly satisfying to begin with.

The time has come to pack it up and seek shelter somewhere else, people. You don’t have to sit back and take the abuse. I’ve already started deleting bank and credit card information and divorcing as many of my online shopping accounts from Paypal as I can find. I strongly encourage anyone else who’s tired of their shit to do the same. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to keep this soapbox available to shove sideways up Paypal’s cornhole if the opportunity ever presents itself.

 *UPDATE*
The Consumerist just confirmed via the Paypal blog that the internet community has been successful in shaming Paypal into doing the right thing and releasing Regretsy’s funds as well as making a contribution to their charity drive. I wouldn’t let that stop you from closing your accounts with them since I don’t expect that their change of heart is going to be universally applied to all users.

4 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. Paula @ thewilyweez

    I had no idea paypal did shit like that. I’m so glad they released the funds and made a donation though.
    Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..A Dildo Party In ReviewMy Profile

    1. admin

      Too little too late for me though. Especially after reading the “apology” on their blog and finding only “We fucked up, but we’ll be damned if we’ll admit it.”

  2. Charity

    So, I thought the title of this entry was “….suck a rock”, and I thought to myself, “Haha! That would be extra funny if it said ‘….suck a cock’. Then I took a closer look and saw that it, in fact, DID read ‘suck a cock’ and then I laughed like a lunatic.

    Also, I have a potato.
    Charity recently posted..Holy fuck. WTF are we talking about?My Profile

    1. admin

      Is the potato for Paypal’s ass? Because I can think of much better things to do with a potato…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>


*

CommentLuv badge