May 29

Congratulations: you’re a social atrocity. Fix it.

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I received what is possibly the greatest voicemail of my entire life yesterday. My friend and I have a standing date at 6:15 on weeknights to go to the gym. Over this holiday weekend we’d gotten a bit lax and when she left after dinner on Monday she said “Gym tomorrow – no excuses!” I went through my day yesterday prepared for a workout after work, but around 4:45 I got the illustrious “Greatest Voicemail of All Time.”


“It’s Tina. I know when I left yesterday I said “no excuses,” but then *daughter* bled all over my workout clothes, so I’m going to have to bow out tonight so I can do laundry.”


I will be asking tonight at our rescheduled workout time about the infant blood spatter. (Given that she just started walking, my money is on ‘nosedive into the coffee table.’)

Meanwhile, the voicemail was A++. Would listen again.


I have a scar in the middle of my forehead from a similar faceplant.


It hasn’t all been slacking off, watching TV and eating bonbons, however. I did decide to plant a small patio garden this year to see what would grow in our limited patio sun. Part of this project ended up requiring a trip to garden center, followed by repeated lifting of bags of sand and river rock. I think I got a harder workout doing that than I have at the gym to this day.  But now I’m sore, and I don’t sleep well when I’m sore so I’m also tired. I’m quite short tempered and I daresay incredibly intolerant the past few days. More so than usual, I mean. This means that there is inevitably a group of people who is pissing me off. This post is dedicated to you, schmucks.



I’ve noticed an increased propensity for some people to explain away their bad behavior by saying, “Yeah. I’m an asshole. It’s just how I roll.” And you deserve to be punched in the face for it.


If you had any decency, you'd punch yourself.

If you had any decency, you’d punch yourself.



Here’s the deal: we’re all prone to bouts of dickish-ness. Dickiosity, if you will. That’s just a part of human nature and it is completely okay as long as you do what you can to keep it under control. Some people have a little bit of asshole in them. Some people have a lot of asshole in them.  Some people are just the whole ass.



I’m part of the middle category, in that I will say exactly what’s on my mind without a lot of concern for a person’s frail ego. Then there are the people in the third group who think it’s witty/edgy/funny to be a raging cock socket with no regard for rules or etiquette because some half-wit made the mistake of telling them that every little thing they do is magic, and your self-esteem demands that we acquiesce to your socially inept free spirit.


Fuck your self-esteem, dipshit.


You’re an asshole and that’s just how you roll? That’s not even a remotely acceptable excuse for behaving like a total jackass. Yes, you are an asshole. Congratulations on pinpointing the problem. Now put on your big kid panties and fix it, dumbass. If I wanted to coo and pander to some idiot with behavioral issues, I’d get a fucking puppy.



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  1. Ken

    “If I wanted to coo and pander to some idiot with behavioral issues, I’d get a fucking puppy.”

    A pug puppy to be exact.

    1. admin

      You and pugs – my GAWD, man. I hope my cat eats your face while you sleep tonight.

  2. PinotNinja

    This may have been the most incredible vocabulary lesson I have ever had — dickiosity and raging cock socket need to be in my regular rotation immediately.

    And, with that, I will go back to humming the entirety of the Police’s Greatest Hits album.
    PinotNinja recently posted..A nice, reliant automobileMy Profile

    1. admin

      Better that, than Carly Rae Jepsen.

  3. Valerie

    Ugh… I hate assholes. And I’m usually surrounded by them. They need to make some kind of spray to be rid of them. Like pepper spray, but deadlier.

    And this is also why I’m not allowed to carry pepper spray anymore. Apparently, civilized man frowns upon the yelling of the word asshole followed by the hosing down of said asshole in public… For no specific reason other than his stupid wife beater shirt.


    Valerie recently posted..I bring you all a Wall of Happy to brighten your day! Because my days have sucked.My Profile

    1. admin

      Yeah, it’s pretty much the same reason I can’t carry a taser. Even though I might get a super low voltage one anyone. Because stupidity should hurt someone other than me.

  4. HeatherRose

    Gardening, dude. Fucking AWFUL. I don’t understand how little old ladies do it. I spent about 2 hours pulling weeds and turning the worm jungle that was my front yard into a ‘garden’ of sorts, and I couldn’t move my arms for 2 days. Those perennials I planted better come back next year, because I am totally not doing that again.
    HeatherRose recently posted..The Big DayMy Profile

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