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Jan 11

Because there was no one left to speak for the orgasms.

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I have a fucking soapbox, and by damn, I’ma gonna use it!

Ever since the first sheltered housewife became uncomfortably tingly in the pantyhose over Elvis Presley, the FCC has been around to tell us what content is decent for polite society. As the years have gone by, a few words and phrases slip into the acceptable standards of broadcasting, but by and large, they’re still censoring the shit out of my viewing experience.

*Literally* censoring the shit out of it.

To be fair, though, it’s not really the FCC’s fault. You see, they only came to exist because of that small, very whiny group of people who can’t turn off their television or radio whenever they see or hear something that they don’t like. These people think that our federal government has a responsibility to the American people to enforce their moral imperative on everyone else. Who exactly is this subset of inordinately hypersensitive twats? The Parents Television Council.

These PTC wank blankets have drop-down menus on their computers loaded with just about every profanity and dirty slang term imaginable.They have additional menus for violent and sexual content too. The job of these douche canoes is to have a bunch of delicate snowflakes with virgin ears wear headphones and monitor every network prime-time broadcast for offensive language, bleeped profanity, bare breasts, schlong, threesomes, dildo, and gore.

"Man, I can't wait to be offended by some shit!"

The council then goes to great lengths to document any broadcasts they deem too coarse, demand an adult rating for the shows and move to a later time slot. They also pressure advertisers to withdraw ads aired during these so-called offensive shows and they are hell bent on making the FCC provide a one-click process for viewers to file a complaint with the FCC. More than 1.4 million complaints are pending, and I surmise that no less than 75% of them are coming from these Stepford twats.

There’s some good news on that front, though time will tell how it plays out. The US Supreme court is now accepting oral arguments (huh huh…oral) about whether the FCC should still be allowed to tell us what is and is not decent on network television, and whether their continued prudish sensibilities are violating our constitutional guarantees of free speech and due process.

The Obama administration remains adamant that the FCC should have the power to regulate decency over the airwaves, with the Solicitor General issuing a statement saying “Generations of parents have relied on indecency regulation to safeguard broadcast television as a relatively safe medium for their children.” Great, so rather than requiring parents to step up and do some parenting, you find it more appropriate to tell the rest of the country what they are and are not allowed to see if it’s during Junior’s waking hours.

Whore, please. I’ve met 5 year olds whose colorful vocabulary shames me and the whole of the US Navy.  Even funnier than the image I’m sure most of you have of a doe eyed little girl in a pretty dress shouting “Cunt Woggle!” in the middle of Sunday brunch, is the fact that these are not just your children or my children, where their big, spongy brains are sure to come prewired with very colorful profanity. These are the very children of the PTC analysts as well.

"I'll show you obscene, cockhole!"

Clearly, for all their ranting and outbursts of impotent religious moral rage, the kids are still getting it from somewhere. Perhaps from daddy when he has a few too many cocktails with dinner and can’t perform perfect missionary with mommy later? Maybe mommy has a little to do with it when she’s dropping unrepentant F-bombs stemming from a lack of satisfactory orgasms.

And so the frustration festers until just like that, none of us are allowed to have orgasms. Or talk about orgasms. Or even make orgasmic innuendos. Forget cursing, KY commercials don’t even use the word “sex.” Trojan commercials don’t either. Advertisers can’t show vibes on TV, or anything of a phallic nature, for that matter. You can say “I want to stick my peeny in your hoo-hah,” but “I’m going to wreck you with my monster cock” is completely off the table. What message is all that cutesy talk delivering to kids? And even cable networks are hesitant to air unedited content because of the pressure they receive from advertisers who are in turn being badgered by the PTC.

You’re just thinking about the welfare of our children? I think not. Despite the propensity of you asshats to support abstinence only education and make your kids wear chastity belts until college, your kids are better educated about sex than you are. Don’t believe me? Ask them what a dirty sanchez or a donkey punch is. They might even teach you a thing or two you can use, I’m sure. The issue at hand here is that you’re so ill equipped to adapt to the changes of society that you’ve given up on trying and you’d rather have someone else tell you what to do, and it most certainly violates free speech.

Cursing you from beyond the grave, using words you can't say on TV.

What’s next? Blog censorship? In a roundabout way, we’re getting there with this ridiculous SOPA legislation in that we won’t have any idea that we’ve posted anything wrong until our sites have been shut down. It’s not a huge leap to imagine that they may require search engines to block sites which feature offensive things like curse words or sexual content.

Televisions manufactured since 1996 have been equipped with this nifty little doodad called a V-Chip which allows parents to regulate their household’s viewing habits by blocking shows with certain forms of content. Just because you can’t figure out how to use it does not give you the right to demand blanket censorship which infringes on the rights of your much more intelligent brethren.

The internet has special programs which you can get cheap as free to allow you to block websites with content that you deem unsuitable for children. Granted, most 8 years olds with a working knowledge of how to turn a computer on will figure out how to bypass it inside of an hour. In this case, if you’re concerned that your crotch spawn is smarter than you and you want to monitor every second of their internet use, there are administrative tools in your router software that let you specify when someone can log onto the internet in your home. Just because you can’t figure out how to use those tools and are too proud to let the 14 year old from Geek Squad do it for you does not give you the right to demand blanket censorship which infringes of the rights of your much more intelligent brethren.

The radio… aw, fuck it. Nobody listens to terrestrial radio anymore, so you can let them censor the hell out of that shit. But for those ass bandits that hear something they deem offensive on satellite radio and demand the FCC enforce their programming standards on my magical beams from space, I am magically bestowed with the right to bludgeon you to death with a broken lava lamp.

You do have the absolute right not to expose yourself and your family to content that you deem offensive. That right extends to turning off the offensive content via this nifty little feature they call a power switch. And from there, it’s your responsibility to have a frank discussion with your kids about why it’s inappropriate. If you leave someone else to censor out all the icky things for you, eventually they’re going to take away something you care about, only by that point there will be no one left to speak on your behalf.

If that’s a future you’re comfortable envisioning, you’re a fool, but you’re entitled to your idiocy nonetheless. I, on the other hand, will continue to stand on this soap box and shout cocksucker, motherfucker, cunt, fuck, piss, shit, and tits because I can.

6 comments

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  1. Misty

    Um, Imma gonna go with . . . Bravo! See, this ties in with my post today. I didn’t ask: “Hey, should they cancel this show so my kid won’t be exposed to it?” Or, “Should they only have it on at 10:00 at night so I can avoid having to deal with the issue because he is already in bed?” Nope. I’m all, is it appropriate, should I have him watch it WITH ME, and what does everyone else think about this. Don’t think I’m not going to make my own decision and if I do decide to let him watch it, have a conversation with him if I feel there is something inappropriate.

    Our society is way too puritan, but the problem is that it is the status quo and also the people making the decisions are mostly these puritanical, religious (yep, I said it), hypocritical douchebags. DON’T EXPOSE KIDS TO ANYTHING UNSEEMLY. Meanwhile, molesting the neighbor’s teenaged daughter . . . think that’s good for “the youth of America,” Mr. Pricklepants? Yeah, I’m not a big fan of censorship, douchebags, hypocrits or anyone who wants to tell me how to live my life or parent my kids.

    And now I guess I’m joining you up on that box. Hope it’s roomy enough for 2! :)
    Misty recently posted..The Biggest Loser: Is this safe?My Profile

    1. admin

      I don’t even have kids yet, but I have grave concerns about the state of the society they may be born into. On one hand, I feel that I have a biological responsibility to improve the gene pool. On the other hand, why the hell can’t we just sterilize the bad eggs?!?

      1. Lilscorpiosweet

        P.S. I am right there with you on that Soap box.. its gonna get crowded.
        Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Fun at workMy Profile

        1. admin

          Welcome! I made the soap box extra sturdy to accommodate either crowds of people, or several people with large posteriors on a first come, first served basis.

  2. Lilscorpiosweet

    Omg girly I couldn’t have said it better myself. The day they decide to censor blogs (God fobid that Sopa legislation goes through) I will have two choices.. A) Bomb the little bastards for taking my freedom away or B) move to Russia (Europe, or basically any country that isn’t puritanical).

    Bravo! I don’t think our country needs to “run back to Momma” every time something is disagreeable.
    Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Fun at workMy Profile

    1. admin

      If you want non-puritanical European country, I hear that Eastern Block countries like Estonia and Lithuania are so uninhibited that they show hardcore porn on cable. I don’t know this from personal experience, mind you, but my husband claims he saw it with his own eyes.

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