Mar 14

Babies in Shopping Carts and Granny Beatdowns

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Ever spend too much time catching up on episodes of a TV show and then that TV show proceeds to rape your brain whilst you dream? No? It’s just me? I call bullshit. Obviously, I watched the show Raising Hope for the first time last night and it was so delightfully fucked up that I found the first season on Netflix and started watching from the beginning. Despite Ken’s indignant insistence to the contrary, this show is exactly how I see us as parents.

The opening titles are amazing.

This isn’t baby fever, FYI. The baby is probably the least funny part of that show, what with it being all squishy and hairless and slow to make a joke.

Except this. This was awesome.

If I wanted squishy, hairless, and un-funny, I’d get one of those shaky little mexican hairless dogs. Oh, but then the cat would try to eat it or hump it. Of course I’d probably write about it then, and it would attract attention from PETA, and I just don’t have the time to devote to driving those poor, misguided assholes to despondency and/or suicide. Sorry… I’m getting a little dark here. Moving on…

So after watching 3 hours of that show, I went to bed and spent the better part of the night dreaming about pushing a baby in a shopping cart around a grocery store in the clouds. I turned my back for 10 seconds to get a package of linguine and turned around to find an old woman stealing the baby from my cart because “it was unattended – finders keepers, bitch!” So I proceeded to beat the old bag down, take back my baby, and said to the kid, “Hell with this place. Let’s make some fuckin’ spaghetti, kid.” And we walked off into the clouds all gangsta ‘n shit.

I have no idea what that dream means, but sweet Carolina BBQ baby jesus, is there anything in this world more terrifying than the idea of me with a kid? I think not.

Family Therapy

Future family therapy sessions in our household…

So it’s a beautiful day and we’re supposed to break some records for March with temperatures into the 70s. Luckily for me, I’ve got to drive my happy ass out to Sun Prairie, base camp of the Klassy Wisconsin rednecks, so at least I’ll get some time to enjoy it.

Even being in the car for an hour will be better than putting up with the random fuckery that walks into my office too frequently. Example: the local fuzz stopped by our office to ask some questions about an incident report for damage to a vehicle while it was parked in our lot for a basketball game. We have a security camera on the parking lot, so we went through the feed for the times indicated on the police report. Nothing, nothing, nothing, and then! Some random guy jumped off the roof of the building onto the vehicle in question, proceeded to write “I’m sorry” in the car window, and then ran off.

We have no idea where he came from or how he got up there, but that 60 seconds of video was brilliant. Getting yelled at by the guy parked here illegally overnight whose car he smashed? Not so much.

I’m should probably grab my lunch box and hit the road a little early before the pod people come in and eat my brain.


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  1. Charity

    I just missed you in bic chat.
    Charity recently posted..F*ck You Friday! (AND MOAR BEWBS!)My Profile

  2. Jana

    I struggle going to bed every Sunday after watching the Walking Dead….I so dream about the walkers I would fuck up and how I would keep the fam “safe”
    Jana recently posted..Houston…we have a problem I think your mystical fold has gone badMy Profile

    1. admin

      See, I love dreams where I’m fucking up monsters’ shit, but throw babies into my subconscious, and I’m a little skeeved out.

  3. Valerie

    I once Ninjaed my friend’s dads car when I was younger. All it really consisted of was me writing NINJA across his windshield in the frost of winter. Anyway, he woke her up early the next day panicking because he thought that the crackhead next door was leaving them some kind of fucked up message. Best 30 seconds I’ve ever spent vandalizing anything ever…
    Valerie recently posted..How Mannequin Hands Paid for Themselves in 24 HoursMy Profile

    1. admin

      I’ve drawn pictures in the frost on neighbors’ cars just to fuck with them. It’s awesome to watch their perplexed and annoyed looks when they come out of the house to find cock and balls on their back window.

  4. Transformed Nonconformist

    And the guy yelled at you? I worked at the Sheriff’s Office for a few years and it was amazing what people were willing to scream at us for, even when it had nothing to do with us. People are stupid. How did he come to the conclusion that you guys had done anything wrong?
    Transformed Nonconformist recently posted..Meet the ParentsMy Profile

    1. admin

      I get yelled at for a lot of things by a lot of people. After this long, they all fall into the same 5 categories, and almost always contain the phrase, “How do you sleep at night?” It’s a truly mind boggling job some days.

  5. Misty

    Au, contraire, mon frere . . . that means you would be an EXCELLENT mom. Anyone willing to give a beatdown to a baby stealing granny to protect their kid, then go home and cook pasta? Mom of the year. Start your procreating, stat!! :)
    Misty recently posted..In Honor of Bex . . .My Profile

    1. admin

      Aaaaaaaaand I’m skeeved out again.

  6. Charity


    Charity recently posted..Spanx. I’m not even fucking kidding right now.My Profile

    1. admin

      I don’t know why that’s funny without going back and looking at the post, but for some reason, it’s hilarious out of context.

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