Ever spend too much time catching up on episodes of a TV show and then that TV show proceeds to rape your brain whilst you dream? No? It’s just me? I call bullshit. Obviously, I watched the show Raising Hope for the first time last night and it was so delightfully fucked up that I found the first season on Netflix and started watching from the beginning. Despite Ken’s indignant insistence to the contrary, this show is exactly how I see us as parents.
This isn’t baby fever, FYI. The baby is probably the least funny part of that show, what with it being all squishy and hairless and slow to make a joke.
If I wanted squishy, hairless, and un-funny, I’d get one of those shaky little mexican hairless dogs. Oh, but then the cat would try to eat it or hump it. Of course I’d probably write about it then, and it would attract attention from PETA, and I just don’t have the time to devote to driving those poor, misguided assholes to despondency and/or suicide. Sorry… I’m getting a little dark here. Moving on…
So after watching 3 hours of that show, I went to bed and spent the better part of the night dreaming about pushing a baby in a shopping cart around a grocery store in the clouds. I turned my back for 10 seconds to get a package of linguine and turned around to find an old woman stealing the baby from my cart because “it was unattended – finders keepers, bitch!” So I proceeded to beat the old bag down, take back my baby, and said to the kid, “Hell with this place. Let’s make some fuckin’ spaghetti, kid.” And we walked off into the clouds all gangsta ‘n shit.
I have no idea what that dream means, but sweet Carolina BBQ baby jesus, is there anything in this world more terrifying than the idea of me with a kid? I think not.
So it’s a beautiful day and we’re supposed to break some records for March with temperatures into the 70s. Luckily for me, I’ve got to drive my happy ass out to Sun Prairie, base camp of the Klassy Wisconsin rednecks, so at least I’ll get some time to enjoy it.
Even being in the car for an hour will be better than putting up with the random fuckery that walks into my office too frequently. Example: the local fuzz stopped by our office to ask some questions about an incident report for damage to a vehicle while it was parked in our lot for a basketball game. We have a security camera on the parking lot, so we went through the feed for the times indicated on the police report. Nothing, nothing, nothing, and then! Some random guy jumped off the roof of the building onto the vehicle in question, proceeded to write “I’m sorry” in the car window, and then ran off.
We have no idea where he came from or how he got up there, but that 60 seconds of video was brilliant. Getting yelled at by the guy parked here illegally overnight whose car he smashed? Not so much.
I’m should probably grab my lunch box and hit the road a little early before the pod people come in and eat my brain.