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Mar 26

Babies and Temporary Lesbians

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Good thing: The tenants are on spring break this week and I only received 14 calls yesterday.

Bad thing: The boss is back from vacation.

Very bad thing: I have absolutely no work to do since I did it while he was gone last week, so I can’t even pretend to be busy.

 

On the brighter side (I guess?) I didn’t get a headache at all last week, though it returned 15 minutes after I got to my desk yesterday. Right there at the base of my skull and slowly squeezing until my whole head was fighting the urge to explode in gooey bits of brain and bone. That’s right – my boss cause migraines. Or maybe it’s the sexist bullshit and micromanagement and computer illiteracy and shitty pay that comes with him. Either way, can you get workers comp for that?

Only I won't get off early on Friday. I probably won't get fired either. Fuck my life.

Only I won’t get off early on Friday. I probably won’t get fired either. Fuck my life.

 

I’ve been working on a lot of baby crafts lately for people I know who are having more kids. I know it’s making me blind, but it may also be making me insane. I’ve slept terribly the last two nights and had baby dreams both times (the two may very well be related). It should be pretty well noted at this point that I’m not really into the idea of having kids. Unless I can have them and then stick them with a nanny and go on being myself, which I’m told is not the way that whole thing works. That’s not to say that I’m not a maternal person – I’d make an awesome mom – but I just have too many hobbies and interests that I’m not willing to give up, not to mention the necessity of working and the cost of diapers and daycare and onesies and whatnot. But my brain must subconsciously be thinking otherwise.

I also can't deal with this all over my house.

I also can’t deal with this all over my house.

 

Me:  I had dreams about babies last night. WTF is wrong with me?

Queen Inappropriate: It passes. You know, if I thought for a second that you’d enjoy it,  I’d be all, “Dude! You need 4 babies!” But honestly,  you’d be so fucking displeased with the entire pile of shit.

Queen Inappropriate: Crafting? Fuck you. You can’t afford it, and you don’t have time for it, and you can’t have that shit around the fucking baby because that crying bastard tries to put all the craftables in it’s mouth.
Gaming? Oh, fuck yourself. You don’t have time to sit down and game unless that green diarrhea-producing peckerface is passed out in your arms, or you’re currently breastfeeding it. Learn how to work the keyboard and mouse simultaneously with one hand. Good luck.
Cooking?  Yeah. Dream on. You don’t have time to cook the way you like to. By the time you finish cutting up your shit all fucking tiny and perfect (as i’ve seen you do), that little shit will already have it’s grubby little hands on all your good pots and pans as well as the liquor under the cabinet. Besides, you can’t fucking afford to cook anythign good because diapers cost roughly the same amount as a small home.
Me: I love you so fucking much that I would totally do you right now on my desk. Or your desk. Tongue, no tongue – it’s your call.
Queen Inappropriate: Excellent. I’m not sure what I prefer, honestly – you’d really have to ask Inappropriate Husband.
And that’s what’s going on in my subconscious wasteland today.  And possibly more recipe posts. Check the Fun With Food section if you haven’t already. It’s like food porn.
This image will stick with you all day, at least. You're welcome.

This image will stick with you all day, at least. You’re welcome.

6 comments

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  1. NATurally Inappropriate

    I’m still sad the world misses out on our hilariousness most of the time.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Chick Chat: Home DecorMy Profile

    1. admin

      I still don’t think people could really handle it.

  2. Valerie

    Drinking? He’ll no!! You’ve gotta be sober to watch babies. Or else you’ll end up on an episode of Cops with a mullet wearing a wife beater…

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    Valerie recently posted..This blogpost is brought to you by SmilexMy Profile

    1. admin

      I’m going to have to disagree here. I think you should have a drink every 2 hours when in the presence of children. To keep from killing them out of sheer frustration.

  3. Beth

    Yeah….I have a 10 year old….and I’m due to pop out my 2nd child in like 6 weeks. DONT DO IT!!!!!! In the name of all that is holy and good, keep your legs closed and DO NOT PROCREATE. Your life will be over. Your husband will NOT be amazing and helpful as previously thought. You will have to do everything and you’ll become a bitter, jaded, angry asshole when you used to be sweet and kind and……oh……I’m just talking about myself now. Anyway….I don’t recommend it.

    1. admin

      WAY ahead of you sweets. Let me know if you need me to send you congratulatory and/or coping wine for the new arrival.

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