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May 10

Auto Correct Has Left Me Handicapped.

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Once again, you won’t get any hilarious photos, comics, or captions for this post because there is nothing on the internet that would be even a smidgen as hilarious as the imagery that you will conjure without even having to try.

I would like to start by saying that I am so fucking over this whole leasing season. There will be a brand new installment of Adventure in Landlording this week because I feel that if I don’t post it as it happens, then I run the risk of wondering if I imagined it and then going stark raving madder than I already am.

My boss returned Tuesday from a week long vacation all rested and recharged, and completely oblivious to the fact that the rest of us have been here the whole merry week, fighting an un-winnable war against stupid, and thus lacking his restfulness. No, he just got to dumping piles of crap right on my desk. I’ve been so damn busy this week that I wake up every morning wondering where I’m going to fit a lunch break. The answer to that is something like, “Haha, bitch! It ain’t happenin’!” It’s only Wednesday, but I’m already Friday-at-Five exhausted, and that’s the monster that ate the Monday/Tuesday post. By the time I get this posted, it will have eaten Wednesday as well.

The nice thing about Wednesday is sleeping in an extra half hour because I have a physical therapy appointment in the morning. I got stretched and measured before being worked over for half an hour with an ultrasound wand and trigger point release. We found that while my legs are back to being the same length, I’ve got some alignment issues in my hips that’s causing the pain to migrate into my butt and low back.

I’m taking a week off from PT to go to a chiropractor that my therapist recommends highly. It’s been like, 2 years since I’ve had a decent adjustment and we now have a benefits package that covers chiropractic so I’m on that like a fat kid on a cupcake. Bring on the snap, crackle, pop! I called Dr. McRoberts who seems like a really nice, very competent guy. I made an appointment for Monday afternoon, and went to put the appointment in my Google Calendar via my idiot savant smartphone. Said idiot phone then proceeded to auto-correct Dr. McRoberts to Dr. McRiblets THREE FREAKING TIMES.

How does my phone even know the word McRiblets? Why is that in my dictionary? Who at Applebees/McDonalds is blowing the Android people to have this bastard hybrid of a quasi-meat product automatically included in the android dictionary?

As I was pondering this very thing, and walking to the refrigerator to put my lunch bag away, I ended up kicking the conference room door, which promptly ricocheted off the doorstop and smacked me in the face. I’m glad my boss was on the phone at the time because if he’d been watching the office security monitor, he would have had a fucking aneurysm from laughing so damn hard.

Then as I was walking back to my desk and chuckling to myself about how twisted it would be for a man to come back from vacation only to die of a ruptured blood vessel from laughing at one of his employee’s misfortune, I slammed my arm into that same god damn conference room door frame, bounced off, fell head first into the very door that smacked me in the face not 60 seconds before, and fell on my ass.

In full view of our accounts manager. Who laughed so god damn hard that he turned beet red and should have, by all accounts, had a fucking aneurysm.

While I laid on the floor pondering how on earth I am- A) still alive, and- B) still of above average intelligence.

If I can’t have a vacation, I’ll take a 72 hour psych hold at the state bouncy house. Lake view, happy pills, no chores… it’s a start.

 

11 comments

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  1. Misty

    Um, Mands? Methinks you need yourself a good vacation. Even if it IS at the psych ward. Don’t think I haven’t thought about how restful that would be numerous times.

    McRiblet? Is that even a thing? I thought it was the McRib? Maybe your phone is trying to tell you something about the yummy nature of this doctor. Hmmm?
    Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Head, Shoulders, Knees and ToesMy Profile

    1. admin

      Our bouncy house is on Lake Mendota. There are luxury hotels here that don’t have the bouncy house view!

  2. Jana

    BWWWAAAABBWWWAAAAAA

    I think I died laughing! Oh, poor Mandikins! That totally sucks. I have had those weeks before were you should just stay on the floor because your ass has already decided that is where you should be. I am sorry about all the jackassery that you have had to deal with lately. Just think – summer is almost here and at least the population will dwindle for a while.
    Jana recently posted..Beware the vagina apocalypseMy Profile

    1. admin

      I blame the PT. She had me all off balance and distracted with a new doctor.

  3. Ally

    I’m surprised you didn’t give yourself an aneurysm banging in to things like that.

    1. admin

      Yeah, you’re not the only one.

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  5. AndrewMap

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    Почему?
    Да потому что клиникам намного выгодней брать плату за каждое посещение.
    А если честный врач попытается посоветовать добровольное медицинское обслуживание клиенту – это сулит ему увольнением.
    Информация о ДМО уже спровоцировала много возмущений, сразу после того как информацию об этом распространил один врач.
    Его уволили , после того, как он предложил ДМО своему пациенту.
    Самое невероятное, что информация по ДМО присутствуют в открытом доступе, просто находили на эту информацию только случайные люди.
    Как отстоять свои права?
    О правилах оказания услуги и обязанностях клиник можно узнать, сделав запрос в Яндексе: “добровольное медицинское обслуживание”.
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